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Old 05-11-2006, 05:21 PM   #20
MamaJenn's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Fredonia NY
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Re: Pregnancy Loss Thread...

Originally Posted by nothing_butt_cloth
I am not sure where to post this so I guess here is the best spot.

let me start off with TODAY SUCKS. I dont think there is a diaper out htere that can make me feel any better. I have this FEAR, i mean huge fear that I will finally birth my baby on mothers day. As this is approaching, i am very anxious. If it wwerent for mothers day I would be fine i think. But now I want to run for the hills.

It seems no one in my family cares but 2 ppl. I havent even tlaked to my mom on over a week. She jsut doenst want to talkl to me. This hurts so bad. She is a hospice nurse and her job is to comfort families who are going thru the grief period. But I am her daughter and she wont even call. For all she know I could have had the baby adn had the burial by now. I called her yesterday and she never called me back. What if i NEEDED her? My dad doesnt care, he sent me a one line email with no feeing at all. just sorry I hoped this would have worked out. No love dad, no call if yo uneed anything. NOTHING. This plain sucks.

I have great friends irl, and everyone online has been wonderfully supportive. I am am so grateful for that. I dont knwo what i would do without veryone here.

What is really getting me right now is I would be 20 weeks on sunday. So much happens at 20 weeks. All of a sudden in AZ at 20 weeks your baby matters. you get a birth certificate resluting in fetal death. Not a fetal death certificate. ( thanks to joanne caccitore of MISS foundation) You are not looked up on as wierd for burying you MC baby, but you have true sympathy for your still born baby. For some reason ppl think that the difference of a couple weeks makes a baby worth it. or real. So I dont know, is the baby considered stillborn if I carry to 20 weeks even though baby 2-3 weeks ago. Probably not. but I feel lik ei t should be becaseu I want my baby to matter to others. I feel like i am not allowed to grieve for the loss of htis lil one becaseu " it is only a miscarriage" I dont want to hear this is Gods will, that my baby is working in Gods Garden. It only makes me think that My baby is dead for slave labor. i am not ready to deal with the whys, I want to figure out HOW. How do I deal with burying yet another child. how do i explain this to my kids. And HOW on Earth am i supposed to want to ever get close to another baby, when there is a 50/50 chance i will put them in the ground too. ( going off of i have 3 living and 3 not)

I am sorry this is a long vent. i just dont know where to post it, so if you read this far, thank you,
Today jsut sucks... maybe this is finally hitting me that I will never hear my baby cry, or put my baby to my breast to eat...

Im here for you if you need me mama..hang in there. Im praying hard..this just totally sucks
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