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Old 10-19-2010, 05:16 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 16,561
Re: Still feeling guilty

i know the feeling. I still feel the guilt. I have a 34weeker and a 33weeker, both times due to PPROM. And it's still unexplainable. But my body failed to keep my kids in until they were ready and for that I feel guilty. My body forced them out on their own before they were mature enough to be born. They had relatively short nicu stays but each have had their problems since their births. And my 33weeker actually had really severe illness-induced asthma for a LONG time. This is the first winter we haven't been to the ER already and she's turning 3 this winter. She's finally maintaining on her asthma meds and not really suffering her way through winter with multiple bouts of pneumonia and bronchitis and croup. They are 5 1/2 and 2 1/2 right now respectively and now that the 5 1/2 year old is healthy and average-sized and at the top of her kindergarten class I am feeling less guilt. I still feel it with the 2 1/2 year old who needs breathing treatments nightly to stay well but it's less than it was. I don't think you ever truly get over it but it goes to the back of your mind at some point. And you don't realize it's heading there until one day you realize that you haven't freaked out recently. But little things will set me off again like illness in either girl, another kid will sneeze on them and I'll freak and run for hand sanitizer, or that hospital smell, etc. That smell from the soap you scrub with befor eyou enter the nicu lingers in my mind still. The sound of the apnea monitor waking me from a dead exhausted sleep next to my baby still lingers in my mind from 5 years ago. So it never goes fully away. But the trauma kinda fades and it's easier to keep it at bay eventually. You are probably just starting to get into a rhythm and move beyond survival with your twins and into processing their birth and the trauma of the nicu. Don't despair, I promise it WILL happen. But it just takes a little while. I'm sure you remember that the first birthday is hard, as is the anniversary of the due date. Both my preemies were due on the same day so we celebrate their individual birthdays and then we celebrate their due date with some cupcakes to remind ME of how far they've come and what they've accomplished. It's stupid to their dad but it means a lot to me so I keep up the tradition because I like to put that positive spin on it.
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