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Old 05-27-2008, 08:19 AM   #27
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

Originally Posted by TestifyToLove View Post
It really breaks my heart when I hear adoptive families are scared of openness. Openness is healing for birthmothers. But, its more important for the children. Yes, there are many times in my heart that I regret my decision to place my bdaughter. However, I never have and never would allow my own emotions interfer with keeping her emotionally safe. And, that has always meant affirming that her parents ARE her parents. Its also meant that except for that one outright lie her mother told her, I have never contradicted her parents, even when I know her mother is manipulating and lying.

And, I don't know ANY birthparents who behave differently than I do. You cannot go through this experience and NOT put the needs of your child first. All its ever been about is what is best for HER and that didn't end when the adoption paperwork was signed.

My bdaughter's father actually offered to help me get the adoption overturned this year. I wouldn't do it. And, when he admitted he hadn't even spoken to HER about it, he realized it was a bad idea spoken out of concern about what her mother was doing. But, it was the WRONG solution to the problem just the same.

What really bugs me though is the concept of open adoptions which are supposedly 'legal' in several states. But, the most you can do if parents close the adoption is to request mediation. The reality is that once an adoption is finalized, birthparents have NO power. Everything we know and see about the children gave birth to is at the mercy of the adoptive parents. Its strange to me that the people with all the power in the relationship continue to fear birthparents.

Birthparents are not a danger nor a threat to children. Except in the case of unstable birthparents, most birthparents want nothing more than to know their bchildren are healthy and happy. And, they want those children to remain healthy and happy, which means they reinforce the role of the child's parents. Open adoption is NOT co-parenting. But, it is about helping a child know where they came from and knowing that they have roots of love from 2 sets of parents to secure them as they learn to fly.

As an adoptive mother, I have attempted to open ALL of my sons' adoptions. Thus far, we've successfully opened the adoption with our oldest's family, though its very difficult to get communication to W. Africa. We sent searchers to India to find our 3rd son's birthfather and they reached a deadend. We continue to try just the same. And, we've expressed VERY clearly to DCFS that we would prefer to open the adoption of our youngest son. We have even discussed that when this child approaches death, if it is his wish to see his birthmother, we will need to make sure we find her before he dies, and we have every intention of offering to fly her to his funeral when the day comes...and it will come.

These families are not a threat to our family. But, they can provide a great deal of comfort and love to my children. I deeply wish I could find my Indian son's birthfather. I know this man loved him dearly and broke his own heart to make the right decision for my son. I think finding him would provide a great deal of comfort and knowledge that he truly has always been loved for my son who struggles SO hard with abandonment issues and believing that he is truly loved.

I believe with all my heart that whether domestic or international unless birthparents are a physical threat to a child, openness in adoption is the very BEST thing for the children involved. And, learning to honor all who love these children is the best choice for the children. I teach my children they don't have to divide their loyalties. Its totally okay for my sons to continue to love and dream about their birthfamilies. Its okay for them to pine for them, to identify them as still their family and to long for them. And, when we have succeeded in finding them, the joy it has given that son as well worth all the effort to track them down. And, hearing his birth uncle inform my son that we are his family now and he was to bring honor to himself and to be an obedient son not only freed my son to fully love us, but assured him that his first family continues to love him as well. I only wish I could provide as much for my other sons as well
I'm not a birthmother or an adoptive mother (but I do have 2 sons of my own -- I hope this sentence made sense!), we hope to adopt in the future...but I just wanted to say that you've put tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I was also concerned about open adoptions and always imagined a closed adoption (out of fear)...but you've really opened my eyes. I hope to be a wonderful adoptive mother in the future.
Jenelle SAHM to Kain (01/27/04) Drake (08/22/05)
~*55 lbs lost, 25 to go!*~
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