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Old 07-03-2012, 08:17 PM   #1
trooperwife13
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Dilemma....

My husbands family lives 3 hours away. I love them dearly, but his mom drives me INSANE. She is so against me CDing she has bought me boxes upon boxes of diapers and whatnot....Well I talked to hubs last night and said I didn't want his parents staying with us when the baby gets here....they can come for a few hours each day, but stay somewhere else because I want US to get into a routine of newborn since its our first....But He is refusing to make them drive 45 minutes to stay with his uncle and refuses to tell them they have to stay at a hotel....So now I'm pretty sure we will have people living with us for a week after baby is here ...Especially because she wants us to raise kids HER way pretty much, and I know we're going to need help especially if it comes right before/after Hubs surgery. But any of you going through anything like this??? Is it easier to have people stay with you or harder??
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Old 07-04-2012, 05:58 AM   #2
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Hug. I find it harder. Id stand up and tell him he needs to be an adult about this. Visiting is okay but staying with you makes you uncomfortable in your own house.

Sent from my DROID X2 using DS Forum. That means my typing is probably awful. I'm sorry.
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Old 07-04-2012, 06:07 AM   #3
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Re: Dilemma....

Good luck, thats a time when you need to rest and bond with your baby, im expecting my first as well and i have allready told family i dont want people staying with us for extended peroid of time, i am ok if thy want to come over to let me rest but i wont feel like entertaining and adjusting to having a newborn in the house, its your baby no one can tell you how to raise your baby, things have changed since she raised her kids so her way is no longer the best way.
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Old 07-04-2012, 06:17 AM   #4
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Re: Dilemma....

Warn hubby that the post pregnancy hormones are uncontrollable. Therefore, you can't control what comes out of your mouth if MIL upsets you If they insist on being there, just excuse yourself and close yourself into your room or babies room and when people try to enter, tell them you are trying to nurse and need privacy to get baby to latch and for you both to get the hang of it.
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Old 07-07-2012, 06:00 PM   #5
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Re: Dilemma....

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Originally Posted by jakeysmama View Post
Warn hubby that the post pregnancy hormones are uncontrollable. Therefore, you can't control what comes out of your mouth if MIL upsets you If they insist on being there, just excuse yourself and close yourself into your room or babies room and when people try to enter, tell them you are trying to nurse and need privacy to get baby to latch and for you both to get the hang of it.
I like this post! Pregnancy hormones are definitely uncontrollable and unpredictable! Maybe DH should talk to other dads to get a better idea of what to expect. I'd only have the in-laws over if they are willing to cook and clean all the time. You need the bonding time and rest time with your newborn!
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Old 07-04-2012, 06:46 AM   #6
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My mother will be staying with me but she allows me to do as I want. If it were me if put my foot down with DH. Tell him how uncomfortable this is making you and how awful she makes you feel about your choices. Then if he still doesn't agree tell him that if your mil doesn't respect your choices and wishes you will not be polite or bite your tongue because this is not her baby. Maybe then he will get the point.
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Old 07-04-2012, 07:13 AM   #7
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Re: Dilemma....

Same thing happened with us after my 1st. MIL insisted on coming right away and staying with us (she arrived the night we got home from the hospital) and it was HORRIBLE. I was mentally unprepared for her visit and extremely hormonal. She too wanted us to do everything with our child that she did with hers and was so critical and unhelpful (ie: her view is that nursing is for animals only and she would say things that drove me insane, like "his baby acne is probably from your milk b/c none of mine ever got that"). Anyway, long story short this horrid visit drove a wedge in our relationship for at least 3 years.

I'd explain to your husband that you guys need to bond with the baby by yourselves for at least a few days and that you'll be super emotional--if he thinks pregnancy hormones are crazy he's not seen anything yet! If he's not going for that then make a list for yourself of your non-negotiables (cloth diapering, breastfeeding, co-sleeping) or whatever you feel strongly about that she may not agree with and why. You can give her your reasons when she challenges you or just smile and nod and take the baby out of the room when she gets on your nerves.

You could also make a list before you have the baby of things that need to be done around the house and give her things to help with that keep busy and out of your hair like making DH's favorite meals and treats for the freezer, laundry, errands that take her out of the house for a while, etc.

Good luck and tons of hugs!!!
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Old 07-04-2012, 08:26 AM   #8
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Re: Dilemma....

To avoid confrontation, I have made lists of things that need to get done around the house. Included in that I put a little blurb like, "It is my job to care for the baby. While you may not agree with my parenting choices, I am NOT asking you for advice. Unless you have something nice to say, please kindly keep your mouth shut. I will NOT argue with you, but I WILL ask you to leave if you can't follow my rules."

My husband and I clearly understand the rules when people come to visit us (it happens a few times a year around here). The rule is that people get 1 warning that their behavior may result in us asking them to leave. It doesn't matter whether they drove 10 minutes or 10 hours to see us. If they push our buttons, they have to leave. We have the right to feel happy, good, and accepted in our home. I'll take a little of someone's crap in their home, but I can always leave if I get too annoyed. Since I'm not going to leave my own home, I have the right to kick people out.

For that exact reason, my mother-in-law has NEVER been to my home. I can barely last an hour visiting in her home before I leave. I leave before I blow up and say something I will regret. It is out of respect for other people that I behave that way. If the same things were to happen in my own home, I would feel that I had the right to say what I was thinking (which isn't generally good when it comes to my MIL) and then ask her to leave.

Perhaps if you give your husband a list of things you won't take criticism about and let him run interference, he will understand. Be sure to mention that you don't feel you have to hold your tongue in your own house. If he wants things to go well your MIL, he'll consider what that might mean long term. Unless he plans on being there the entire time, it is unreasonable to have them there with you for a week. Do remind him (and them) that you won't be entertaining anyone. You will eat, sleep, shower, change diapers and nurse the baby. That is it. It is their job to entertain and care for you. If they can't do that, then they should stay some place else.
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Old 07-04-2012, 10:07 AM   #9
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Re: Dilemma....

Unfortunatly I am already in "deep water" with them because I had my baby shower an extra 45 minutes from where we live, so it was over 3 hours for them to go...and they havent quite got over that yet either....gotta love in-laws....and I've lived with them for 9 months, and I've watched her help raise our neice, and a lot I dont' agree with....But I am going to talk to Jamie and put a limit on how long they can stay for sure....My mom doesnt know ANYTHING about cloth diapering, shes out of the "baby loop", and she is more supportive of whatever I want to do than anyone but I won't even let her stay for long....I'm thinking I'll tell him 3 days and 2 nights, but not the first night home....for my MIL this will be hard because shes unemployed and I'm pretty sure she's ready to come spend a week with us...and having a to do list is a good idea! I may have to make one of those up. I know you all say I need to put my foot down with hubs, but the only issue with that is when 2 openings for his job came up, one in his hometown and one close to mine, I told him I wanted to be by my family to raise ours....and he didn't put up a fight, but he did sacrifice being close to his family and our neice for me, so I find it very hard to stand up to him about certain things with his family.....
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Old 07-05-2012, 10:00 PM   #10
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Re: Dilemma....

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Originally Posted by trooperwife13 View Post
Unfortunatly I am already in "deep water" with them because I had my baby shower an extra 45 minutes from where we live, so it was over 3 hours for them to go...and they havent quite got over that yet either....gotta love in-laws....
Uhm, if YOUR shower was an extra distance for them it shouldn't matter... it was YOUR shower & about YOU & YOUR BABY, not how far or close people have to travel... they still had a CHOICE to attend or not... just my .

Okay, take this from a veteran mama here expecting #4... I have told DH NOT to allow his mother to come until the baby is AT LEAST 2 WEEKS old... AT LEAST... she will come from out of state, so she will want to stay for longer stretches (as in a whole day )... I am NOT having someone interfere w/US bonding w/OUR new baby & sibling to our other DC. An hour - 1 1/2 hour visit is what I will tell people they can stay for if they come before I am ready for longer stretches.

We also have food sensitivities now, so I don't want people expecting ME to cook/buy food for them... yes, that REALLY happened after #3!! People came over & expected US to provide a meal... for a 2 hour visit after I HAD A BABY!!! One even had the nerve to insist we spend an extra $5 on cheesy garlic bread... we have never even indulged ourselves on a $5 order of cheesy garlic bread & would NEVER dream of telling someone they HAD to order it for us... DH was dumbfounded & ordered it... he just honestly didn't even know how to handle it/what to say, so to avoid a blow-out in our home, he bit the bullet, but I can assure you, NOT again!!

Also, I will NOT leave the room to nurse as I am in MY home & can nurse in stealth mode now , but I honestly never did w/#1 either even when I was learning the ropes... I only had so many places to go in our house & if people came over I wasn't going to hike the stairs when I was supposed to stay put just so they would feel comfortable.

Not to sound snarky, but honestly... MY house, MY new baby, & I was supposed to rest & not be going up & down stairs... I had (& will this time too) my little "mama nest" set up in our family room on the couch... whomever comes over will be entering MY nest/MY zone, so if they don't like it, they can make their visit even shorter, I guess.

I found/still find it especially irritating when people come over & tell me how I am screwing my baby up by nursing as needed, changing dipes that "just" have pee in them (yeah, seriously!), keep my newbie in my arms and/or at my side pretty much 24/7 (or in DH's arms) for as long as WE see fit as the PARENTS.

Also, stay in jammies... that has been the best advice ever!! You can also throw a robe over your clothes if you'd rather, but it helps remind people you are relaxing & recovering.

It really sounds like you have a fantastic DH, who may not always stand up to his parents, but it sure sounds like he adores you & really, truly wants to put your wishes 1st (I say that in response to his job choice & how you felt about it)... so I think if you really talk to him & give him time to really think & digest things, he may wise up. I know this because I have an incredible DH too... he used to not be able to stand up to his mother AT ALL... now, after many years of marriage, he is WAY better at it. He told his mother on his own, that she needs to wait until at least 2 weeks after the DUE date to come visit when baby comes... I then extended it to at least 2 weeks after the BIRTH, which may be harder to handle because babies come when they will & she needs to book her plane tix ahead of time, so I am going to tell her not to come for a good 4 weeks after my DUE DATE, so if I go 2 + weeks "late" again (please, no!! LOL), we will still have a buffer... & while I want a full 2 weeks alone for our family, I do understand she has to order her tix, so I will try & not be impossible, yet I will be firm.

MY MIL INSISTED she was coming in for the birth of #2... she asked when she should come in & I told her (40 - 40 1/2 weeks)... did she listen?!?! NOOOOOOO!!!!! Not even close... she came in 2 weeks BEFORE my DD & the pressure to have the baby was horrible... I knew she was staying for 2 weeks, so I thought 40 1/2 would give a few days before baby would come as our doc said most babies come at 40 w & 6 days...

Anyway, MIL left at 40 w & 6 d... guess who went into labor AS MIL WAS GETTING ON THE PLANE?!?! YEP, I sure did... 40 weeks & 6 days I went into labor at the same time she was boarding her plane... I really think the pressure to perform was gone & baby felt the pressure relief, so she decided to make her debut!!

Follow your intuition & I'd get advice from veteran mamas because they know the needs, feelings, etc. a new mom (whether it be your 1st or not, but especially your 1st because you'll feel awkward enough) will experience... I WISH someone would have told me about wanting to bond for 2 weeks when #1 came... we had SO many visitors & 2 weeks later was Christmas... I bawled my eyes out on Christmas because everybody kept holding the baby & it was the 1st time she was away from me...I was overwhelmed... I spent her 1st Christmas stuck in a freezing cold bedroom the size of a closet somewhere else so I could nurse so everybody ELSE would feel comfy... not again... DH walked in to find me in the dark because someone shut the light off not knowing I was in there & I couldn't tell them I was in there because I would wake DD who was sleeping in my arms... I didn't want to wake her & have people take her away again.

Best wishes & try to explain things to DH... he has nothing to compare it to either, so he just doesn't "get it" right now!! My DH was the same way... but he sure GOT IT after #2 was born... LOL. Maybe you can reach a happier medium w/your DH for #1 .
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