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Old 12-06-2012, 01:59 PM   #1
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your inlaws (for me just fil) invited themselves to visit every year for your kids birthdays, without asking if its alright?

(I mean, week or weekend visit per bday.)

I have underlying issues with fil that I just dont know how to deal with, so I don't know if Im off here in being aggravated.
FIL came last year for dd and ds bday, and it it looks like hes doing the same thing this year, I talked to him this morning and he lmk hes coming for dds bday.
He comes from 14 hours away so he stays in our home for about a week.

It's starting to bother me that IDK when the next time will be that dh and I can spend our kids actual birthdays with just them

eta he will be flying so he wont have a car. Our car only seats our family so that means we cant take dd anywhere for her birthday unless we leave him here, which dh would have a problem with and consider it rude.
Also, fil invites someone else to come with him, almost every time, without asking us if we have space or if it's a good time, or ANY thing. Just assumes whatever he wants to do is fine by us.

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Old 12-06-2012, 02:02 PM   #2
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Re: Would it bother you if..

I think that because he stays for a week it is rude of him that he doesn't discuss it with you first. Good luck
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:05 PM   #3
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Re: Would it bother you if..

Could you spend some time with the kids for their Bdays maybe the week prior, or just after? Or could you ask your FIL to come the week prior or after?

I also have issues with my FIL, so I have a very difficult time sifting through my feelings to see his intentions and motives clearly, without imputing anything bad. I just can't help it. So I do understand that feeling.

But I would think this is something he is doing b/c he loves your kids. And that would make me happy. Regardless of your relationship with him, he is making an effort to be a part of your kid's lives, and that is AWESOME!

I think I might just say something kindly.... "oh! We're SO excited to see you!!! Next time, let me know in advance when you will be here so we can plan something fun okay?!"

My ILs have visited us a total of 3 times in 7 yrs, and that was after us begging them to come see the kids. They live 8 hrs away. So despite all the issues I have with them, I would probably fall over with heart palpitations if they called to say they were coming without us having to beg them to do so.

It's hard to put your feelings aside, I know. But try to look at the great effort he is making to be involved. That is something to be happy about, even if it IS an inconvenience.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:07 PM   #4
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Re: Would it bother you if..

I would actually be a little offended if my inlaws didn't want to spend my kid's birthday with him. I'm assuming there must be other issues going on though for you to be hurt by this.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:07 PM   #5
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Idk- I'm from the be grateful others love your kids that much. We do almost every holiday 'alone' and since we are always alone/ spending birthdays with family, year after year would not be an issue, for me. :/ idk
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:20 PM   #6
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Re: Would it bother you if..

Well he did give us notice this time, her bday isnt until February.

My issue is specifically that he assumes he can be here for every kids birthday every year, and thus DH and I don't get time alone with our kids on their bday. Also that our car doesnt seat more than the four of us, so that means we cant take dd anywhere special for her bday.

Yes theres a lot more going on than just this. I have a hard time with FIL.... I feel awful about it but I have anger towards him and have trouble respecting him. Almost everything he does makes me angry and I dread his visits. IDK how to get over these feelings.

Im totally open to the fact that Im wrong here. Just not sure how to deal with it.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:37 PM   #7
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Re: Would it bother you if..

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Originally Posted by RainandRedemption View Post
Well he did give us notice this time, her bday isnt until February.

My issue is specifically that he assumes he can be here for every kids birthday every year, and thus DH and I don't get time alone with our kids on their bday. Also that our car doesnt seat more than the four of us, so that means we cant take dd anywhere special for her bday.

Yes theres a lot more going on than just this. I have a hard time with FIL.... I feel awful about it but I have anger towards him and have trouble respecting him. Almost everything he does makes me angry and I dread his visits. IDK how to get over these feelings.

Im totally open to the fact that Im wrong here. Just not sure how to deal with it.
I think the fact that he does not ask but tells you he's coming is extremely rude. But in our family, DH deals with his family and I deal with mine. I've had to tell my mom 'no' once or twice when she invited herself somewhere. She lives in town with us. I'm grateful my family loves my children, but you don't get to just say "Hey, I'm coming to stay with you for a week at X time, see ya then!".
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:39 PM   #8
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Re: Would it bother you if..

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Originally Posted by RainandRedemption View Post
Im totally open to the fact that Im wrong here. Just not sure how to deal with it.
I don't think you're wrong.

I think it's wrong to invite yourself to stay at someone's house for a week. So, so wrong. I wouldn't be as upset over sharing the birthday as sharing my HOUSE. For a WEEK. With no consideration for my feelings or schedule. Blows my mind, really.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:48 PM   #9
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Re: Would it bother you if..

We live 3 hours from both sets of grandparents. They will often let us know they have a weekend free and that they plan on coming down to visit. Doesn't bother me.
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Old 12-06-2012, 02:50 PM   #10
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Re: Would it bother you if..

It wouldn't bother me at all. In our family, birthdays aren't meant to be spent with just your parents and siblings. It's a whole family thing. I struggle to not let it upset me when the grandparents schedule something around their birthday that ends up being a clear conflict or they just decide not to come because it's a long drive. But, that is how I grew up. We all celebrate birthdays and holidays. Everyone is always invited, even for an extended stay if they are from out of town. No one needs a formal invite for that kind of thing or for anything really.

I can see it being different though because he stays for a week. But, even so, in our family we wouldn't wait for an invite for a week long stay. We would call and say, "I want to come X week (whoever's b-day or Mother's/Father's Day or whatever) are you free that week?" We invite ourselves and we would assume if they were free it would be totally fine. And, in our family it would be totally fine.

My husband's family is a little different and sometimes it causes problems for us because we don't assume we need to actually formally invite them to things. Oops!!

Bottom line to me, I think it's what you are used to. Some people are going to agree with you that it's rude and others, like me, aren't.

As for not being able to go anywhere, I would tell him you are planning to do X and he needs to rent a car to come along if you don't have another car. I wouldn't let him not having a car and not having space stop me from going somewhere for my kid's b-day if that was what we wanted to do. Or, do something out of the house the week before or after.

Sorry he is upsetting you. Good luck!
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