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Old 12-09-2012, 06:07 AM   #1
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My daughter is 11 and is overall a very well behaved and respectful child. I've caught her lying a bit here and there lately and it's been over the dumbest little things. About 3 weeks ago she lied to us saying that the pile of dog poop on the side of our building wasn't our dogs. We KNEW it was yet she continued to lie for a while before finally coming cleaning. She was grounded for the week for breaking our trust and telling us bold faced lies without blinking an eye.

About 2 weeks ago I was talking to her in her bed and touched her leg as I was saying goodnight...then I noticed there wasn't any hair. I asked her if she had shaved and she tried to convince me that she hadn't. She came clean and I didn't reprimand her because I think she was just embarrassed. I know this is a hard age with a lot of changes. I just told her the next morning that I needed her to tell me the truth and if she had asked me, I would've taken her to get a new razor and shaving cream.

Fast forward to this morning. I asked her to take the dog out while I was cooking, to give him time to poop, and the take the bag down to the trash. She came back in afterward and said he did but that she left the bag by our building. Ok, no big deal...it's bitter cold outside. He eats breakfast and then within 2 hours from her saying he had already used the bathroom, he poops in the dining room. UGH! DH asked if he'd been out and we both tell him yes because I believed her. So I clean up the floor and take the bag outside, deciding the grab her bag as well. There's a decent amount of snow on the ground and yet there were no foots prints where she said she took him and of course no bag of poop.

DH and I sit her down and tell her what we have realized and of course she is sad because she knows she is in trouble and has broken our trust. She suggested no tv or no tablet for a week. I'm not thinking that's the way to go. DH thinks she should be grounded for 2 weeks (other than going places with us) and not be allowed to go to her favorite kid hang out place after school. They have art club, games, trips for the kids, etc...she LOVES going there. I'm a fan of keeping her home from there for now but I also think she needs something else added to her punishment.

Am I going overboard? What other punishments are there for this sort of offense. She really is a great girl but I want her to know how important trust is to everyone. It's hard to gain and easily broken.

ETA- I am not punishing her for the past lies, I was just giving the back story. Those situations were already handled. However, the fact that she was punished and continues to lie worries me.
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Last edited by napua; 12-09-2012 at 06:26 AM.
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:18 AM   #2
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

What punishments do you use for other infractions? I would only punish her for the most recent lie if you explained to her that there would be a punishment after you had time to think about it. I wouldn't save up lies over the course of many days & then after a certain limit issue 1 large punishment. I would be super irked about neglecting the family pet & forcing him to do something he knew was wrong & likely felt bad for - forcing animals to hold it for too long can also cause medical & behavioral problems, poor guy .
I'd suggest no leaving the house for 1 week, but I really don't knw how that compares to your normal reward/discipline system???
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:25 AM   #3
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

I love the punishment for broken trust that involves the child being by your side every moment of a full day

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Old 12-09-2012, 06:32 AM   #4
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

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I love the punishment for broken trust that involves the child being by our side every moment of a full day
This. Her unsupervised actions cannot be trusted, so she needs to be treated like a younger child needing supervision all the time. mama, I hope it doesn't take too long for her to figure it out.
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:32 AM   #5
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

I have a 10yo DS and while we haven't dealt with this issue in a while, when we do, the punishment is that he can't be out of our sight since he has shown us that we can't trust him. He still goes to school, but he has to be in the same room with me at all times unless he is sleeping or I am using the restroom. Even then, he has to stand outside the door and talk to me the whole time. If he has to use the restroom, he has to wait until it's a convenient time for me and keep the door open.

He gets frustrated really quickly that he can't just live his life the way he is used to doing. Things like getting a toy from his room or checking to see that his little brother doesn't undo his latest lego creation are a much bigger hassle for him, because he has to wait for dear old mom to finish folding her laundry or sweeping the floor or posting on DS.

ETA: Leslie, we were posting at the same time. I am just too wordy!
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:38 AM   #6
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

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ETA: Leslie, we were posting at the same time. I am just too wordy!
LOL you know I'm usually wordy but I'm NAK and typing left handed
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:07 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mcpforever
I have a 10yo DS and while we haven't dealt with this issue in a while, when we do, the punishment is that he can't be out of our sight since he has shown us that we can't trust him. He still goes to school, but he has to be in the same room with me at all times unless he is sleeping or I am using the restroom. Even then, he has to stand outside the door and talk to me the whole time. If he has to use the restroom, he has to wait until it's a convenient time for me and keep the door open.

He gets frustrated really quickly that he can't just live his life the way he is used to doing. Things like getting a toy from his room or checking to see that his little brother doesn't undo his latest lego creation are a much bigger hassle for him, because he has to wait for dear old mom to finish folding her laundry or sweeping the floor or posting on DS.

ETA: Leslie, we were posting at the same time. I am just too wordy!
This is BRILLIANT!!
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:38 AM   #8
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We have dealt with some lying when my 2nd was about that age (she did start menstruating around that time as well)

Here they would lose all privleges for a week (or 2) including no electronics, toys etc. it would be home and school and chores.

Hopefully a few days with no fun stuff will give her time to think about the lying.
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:43 AM   #9
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

I don't have a ton of advice because my kids are 4, 2 and in utero, and I haven't been there with an older kid yet. However, I don't think that you're being to severe. I think lying is a serious offense and the punishment needs to fit that. A week or two of grounding from something she really enjoys sounds appropriate.
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Old 12-09-2012, 10:01 AM   #10
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Re: I need ideas for the proper punishment for 11 y/o for lying

Lying here means loss of trust and the punishment is you cannot do the things older kids do - friends, facebook, computer, private time, etc. You get to be with me like a baby so I can watch you. If you need to go to sports, you call me when it is over and no hanging out before. You go when it begins and leave when it ends. My son rarely lies since I have done that. He values his freedom and social life.
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