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Old 02-12-2013, 12:48 AM   #1
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Can't leave DD

So DD is 5 months old and I basically can't leave her. Around 3 months we went on vacation to visit family and she was tired of all the contact and clung to me, cried when anyone else had her.

Now I leave for more than an hour and she searches for me desperately and cries her heart out. She was exhausted and almost 2 hours past bedtime but would not fall asleep with DH. I got home and she wasn't hungry didn't want the boob, just wanted me. I held her and she was instantly fine. This is not the first time this has happened but both times its been close to bed time so maybe that's part of it.

She is high needs (spirited) and fights sleep like none other unless she is nursed to sleep or I'm wearing her in the wrap. She will cry until shes hoarse. No big deal to me but DH blames her behavior on me. I'm not ready to take away the nutrition she recieves from her bed time feed either. And he won't put the wrap on.

Bottom line what do I do? I know DH doesn't spend enough time with her but when he's home it seriously seems like he holds her for 5 mins at a time before he's ready to put her down to do her own thing so he can do his. Or he hands her off to one of our eagerly awaiting neighbors. I know he doesn't do well with small babies but still!

Do I just not leave her? Does anyone else have this problem?
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Old 02-12-2013, 01:12 AM   #2
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Re: Can't leave DD

I really can't offer any advice but wanted to tell you I am in the same boat. My baby is 14 months old. She just started tolerating dh at about 12 months old. He would try but would give up easily and hand her over. He would tell me to just put a boob in her mouth. I left her with a sitter for the first time last month. I was out for 8 hrs and had to come home because she was crying for me at 11 pm.

Everyone says its my fault she's so attached. I've been a sahm since she was born, co-sleep, bf, and wear her in a wrap. It can be hard on me sometimes but I just deal with it. I love my baby and I'm happy she can depend on me.

Good luck mama!
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Old 02-12-2013, 02:26 AM   #3
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Re: Can't leave DD

My baby is also 5 months today, and I totally understand. She won't take a bottle, and eats all the time (though it's finally slowing down) so I have to be around. DH is great, he cuddles with her for a while, but like yours, puts her down to do her own thing and I can't imagine him ever wearing a wrap. He's a great dad, he just doesn't really know what to do with a tiny baby. Dads aren't made like moms. There are some super nuturing guys out there, but I think they are the exception. Most are, I think, like ours. And for the first year, babies are really dependent on their mommies. But man oh man, once your DD gets a bit older, that Daddy-Daughter thing really clicks in. My oldest DD is 2.5 and she is a total daddy's girl, but for her first year, I was really worried. It's very hard not to get a break, I know. Last night I was joking about giving up the winning lottery ticket for JUST ONE day alone. LOL. I just want to encourage you that this is totally normal, and it's hard. It really is. One thing that has helped with DD2 is not having night be my DH's time with her - they are both cranky. So, in the morning I give her to him while he's in bed, get myself and DD1 ready, and they get a bit of cuddle one-on-one time. Sometimes he still sets her to the side and plays with his phone, but they're still together, and it's something we've all started to treasure. We can only do it 3x a week, so it's special. Also, I don't really "ask" him to hold her "for me" any more. I hand her over, say, "I'm going to (fill in the blank)" but make sure they are short things. Like change over laundry, brush my hair or teeth, etc. and then go get her again. Short breaks help. Being able to do things with 2 hands helps. Not as good as long breaks, but helps. Basically, I just want to give you a virtual and let you know that you WILL get through this.
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Old 02-12-2013, 04:20 AM   #4
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Re: Can't leave DD

Have you tried leaving her during the day with DH instead of bedtime. None of my kids do well the fiirst few years at bed time. Is this your first?

However my DH just figures it out. He is home with them every monday. It has taken him a few years and 3 kids to be super comfortable with babies. I clearly remember the first day I went back to work and DH was home. They were both still in their jammies and in the chair. Pretty sure he sat there and held the baby all day except to warm a bittle and change diapers. LOL!!!! Fast forward 3 kids later and he took DS2 and the baby to get his drivers licence renewed yesterday.

Basically he just needs to keep trying. It will get better. He will figure out the best way to comfort the baby. It may not be the way you comfort the baby and that is okay.
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Old 02-12-2013, 05:56 AM   #5
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Re: Can't leave DD

My seconds was this way, I worked 2 days a week, I HAD to leave him, but he cried most of the time while I was gone.

He cried when DH (or anyone else) held him until he was 18 months old. But it was good for him and for DH for them to spend time together. We talked about it (while he was asleep and not crying for reminder ) and set up a plan of times he would hold the baby. Like once a week while I went grocery shopping. Not long, but enough time that they would start to get used to each other.

Around 18 months DS2 was stuck to DH like glue and wanted to be with him all of the time.

I got involved in other things and DH now has the kids alone for about 8-10 hours a week. It's good for everyone.

Luckily DH wasn't resistant to it, he wanted to help out, but couldn't figure out the best way to do it. Talking through a plan put us on the same page so he knew I was okay with the baby crying when I wasn't there, and it didn't mean he was doing something wrong, that was just what was going to happen for a while.
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:11 AM   #6
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Re: Can't leave DD

IMO...it means you leave her with DH regularly. Go to the groccery. Go for a walk. Go get a coffee. He needs to learn to deal with her, and she needs to learn that he can care for her too. He will learn her cues and to comfort her.
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Old 02-12-2013, 03:38 PM   #7
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Re: Can't leave DD

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Originally Posted by luvsviola View Post
IMO...it means you leave her with DH regularly. Go to the groccery. Go for a walk. Go get a coffee. He needs to learn to deal with her, and she needs to learn that he can care for her too. He will learn her cues and to comfort her.
I have to agree with this. I have a Velcro baby and for his first 6-7 months he wanted nothing to do with anyone. I got some advice on here and in a local group that really helped in encouraged me to allow ds and his father to struggle sometimes. At first SO would try to hand him back to me so I would take really long showers or take the dog for a walk or go grocery shopping. I would make sure ds was fed so that he didn't need me for that reason, but then I would hand him off. was hard but SO is every bit as much ds's parent as I am and even though I am a SAH bf'ing mom they needed their time too (without me looking over his shoulder). Sometimes when I would come back ds would still be crying and I felt really bad for both of them, but now at 9 months ds is excited to see his dad when he comes home and wants his dad to pick him up immediately. I hated leaving him knowing how quickly I could "fix" it but I need time alone too. DS is still a barnacle but is willing to be with his dad sometimes too.

It's absolutely nobody's fault that your LO has a preference and you shouldn't discourage baby needing you and feeling safe with you, but in my minimal but very recent experience it will help to do what luvsviola is suggesting.
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Old 02-12-2013, 04:31 PM   #8
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Re: Can't leave DD

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Originally Posted by luvsviola View Post
IMO...it means you leave her with DH regularly. Go to the groccery. Go for a walk. Go get a coffee. He needs to learn to deal with her, and she needs to learn that he can care for her too. He will learn her cues and to comfort her.
This is what worked for us, too, but I'll add the caveat that if you want to set them both up for success, you should time your outings carefully at first. Don't leave just before bedtime when everyone's tired and frustrated; leave right after she's woken up from a nap and nursed and is in a happy mood. Start with being gone for shorter periods of time, and work your way up longer outings.
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Old 02-12-2013, 05:07 PM   #9
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Re: Can't leave DD

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This is what worked for us, too, but I'll add the caveat that if you want to set them both up for success, you should time your outings carefully at first. Don't leave just before bedtime when everyone's tired and frustrated; leave right after she's woken up from a nap and nursed and is in a happy mood. Start with being gone for shorter periods of time, and work your way up longer outings.
Yes, this. Some kids are just more attached and need mama more, some take to being cared for by Daddy a little easier. It will make your life a LOT easier if you gently start working on this now. This doesn't mean she won't still be an attached baby wanting to be worn all the time though. I say this as I'm sitting here with my very snuggly 3yo squished up against me lol. He was like that too, but eventually we encouraged him gently that Daddy time was great and also encouraged healthy sleep habits. He is still a very attached little boy and would probably love it if he still coslept and was worn (which we haven't done since he was a year). We are definitely an attachment parenting household...but we do set limits so that mama doesn't go crazy

It is totally okay to take care of your needs. That helps your baby too
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Old 02-14-2013, 01:11 PM   #10
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Re: Can't leave DD

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Originally Posted by luvsviola View Post
IMO...it means you leave her with DH regularly. Go to the groccery. Go for a walk. Go get a coffee. He needs to learn to deal with her, and she needs to learn that he can care for her too. He will learn her cues and to comfort her.
yup, this.

She won't die, she won't starve, and she will eventually fall asleep if she NEEDS to sleep.

Conversely, he won't melt, he won't explode, and he'll figure her out enough to be able to manage her without your help.

Babies involve a lot of learning, and sometimes that's not fun, but it's necessary (IMO) and just part of the territory.

My DS was also high needs. I co slept with him for his first 2 yrs of life b/c he NEEDED me.

But I also needed to leave. To not be constantly holding him, feeding him, rocking him, wearing him, nursing him, etc. It was just as important for ME to go have some time away as it was for him and DH to have some time without me around.

As far as your DH putting her down, I am not sure that's a bad thing. I think it's totally fine, and even GOOD for babies around your DD's age to learn to preoccupy themselves for short bursts of time. That's ok. As long as she's being properly supervised in a safe place with appropriate toys, it's totally fine, normal, and GOOD to put her down and let her explore on her own while your DH chills out. That's part of parenting, too.

Last edited by Kiliki; 02-14-2013 at 01:12 PM.
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