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Old 06-26-2006, 01:20 AM   #1
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Feeling uhhhh weird i guess LOL

As everyone here pretty much knows, the last few weeks of my life have been less than fun. Well, now i ma faced with alot. One of my kdis is really struggling with the death of her baby brother. She talks about it all the time and has started acting out a bit. i have no idea how to handle this. I am thinking of going into the peds office next week to talk and see what she says. this is my HN child, so that is no help either...
Well, I Go to agreat church where i have felt welcome from the day i moved into this area. now i feel like i have the plague. no one will talk to me after brok died, and i am sure they feel wierd or whatever. But that doenst help me at ALL!! i have a "friend" at church that is now like 3 months pregnant and she hasnt even told me yet.... And i was one tha took care of her after her tubal reversal.
So how this all relates to parenting. ( kinda an OT and parenting thread in one i guess)
I went out with someone at church for our monthly sisterly duties, and when i was droppping off my thsi one mama, she pretty much flat out told me I am a bad mom because i was young when i had my kids. She goes on to tell me she is a no nonsense mom who doenst take any trouble from her little girl. From the time she was born she decided if she wanted to cry herself to sleep or not, she tells me. and she says that she keeps everything orderly. She think i have such great "issues" with my kids because i was only 22 when i had samantha, and i just didnt know better. I didnt know that demand nursing was a bad thing, and that you should never put your babies in your bed. I also didnt know that i shouldnt have had another baby 13 months later. She says i cant keep anything under control becaseu i stared having kdis at 22 and she was 27 so she was much better at it.
nothing like sitting there with someone who is not supposed to judge me at all and she is doing nothing but. I so badly wanted to say, well, when you are a part time mom of one it is TOTALLY differnt from being a full time mom of 3 kids 5 and under, dealing with the death of a child, and trying ot move all at once. I guess she would handle it so much better...
She implied my children are misbehaved. They are soo not. For me they are little terrors most of the time. but i am guessing all the moms on the planet except this ONE has issues with their kids. But my kdis re very respectful, listen to others rules when in their houses, always help clean up. use kind words. share, and have respect for other ppls things. They behave very well in the store ( if it is before 3 pm for my HN child who goes into melt down after 3 LOL) and at church they walk with their arms folded. So in my opinoin they are good when it counts! then we get home and they break lose, but that is OK becasue they are KIDS.
What would posess anyone to flat out insult someone like that. I dont want to go back to curch at all. I overheard someone saying : "i told her to not use a mw and have a home birth, but she wouldnt listen" this was a lady who was telling me i would kill my baby if i did a home birth.Now she thinks she is right..
I walk down the hall and no one says hi, not even my bishop.

Sometimes i wonder if i am really screwing up my kids. I do try to be a good mom, but i will admit there are times i hide and ignore them to get a few minutes alone. I need to start reading more with my 5 yo. she is reading wuite a few words and i really want her reading books by the end of the summer.

Sorry this is a long post.... just venting. not expecting replies, just thanks if you read this far
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Old 06-26-2006, 02:07 AM   #2
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Re: Feeling uhhhh weird i guess LOL

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Old 06-26-2006, 02:09 AM   #3
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Re: Feeling uhhhh weird i guess LOL

Awwwwwww to you! Sometimes we really need to vent! What a horrible thing to have to go through and w/ a fellow church member no less! Almost all of us have run into this kind of opinionated, old school, know it all parent at one time or another. After the loss of your baby, I'm sure it's a very tender spot. You are NOT being a bad parent by nursing on demand or cosleeping. There's plenty of research to show that. If your children are graduating high school and still nursing on demand and cosleeping then we'll talk!

You are actually PARENTING your children 24/7/365. I have little patience for people who don't and try to tell me how easy it (parenting) is, or how easy I have it. Stay away from this lady!!! And as for church, go to seek the solace of the Lord and seek your support and friendship from warmer more welcoming places. Perhaps he will open up new doors, either there or elsewhere, but he is the great comforter!

And more for the road!

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Old 06-26-2006, 03:37 AM   #4
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Re: Feeling uhhhh weird i guess LOL

That's terrible.. I have no idea why some people feel the need to comment so harshly on others capabilities. I will give you my experience with this. I had Abby when I was 21..well it was a couple weeks before I turned 21, but whatever. Now, 7 years later, I am STILL being told that 20 is too young to have kids, and obviously I am *too young* to get that since I can't seem to figure out bc. Uh...my second and third were COMPLETELY planned, and I have no problem figureing out birth control. I had a miscariiage not too long ago, and although there weren't a ton of people who knew about it, I did actually have someone sya to me it was a good thing that I lost the baby, because I am way too young to have this many kids straggling behind me. Not the same as your case, but the loss of any child is NEVER a good thing...SO sad that some people can be insensitive and critisize even in one's time or sorrow There seems to be a big issue with younger moms in general. I think that is because our society is putting a big focus right now on self-sustainability and long-term educational plans, but none the less, we are still all free to decide what is right for us, and that's what I did...and so did you. In don't have any super advice, but I can sympathise. Be proud of the fact that you are doing an AWESOME job with your kids. Doesn't matter if you're 20 or 200, all that matters is that you are a super mom, you actively parent your kids and you are doing what is right for YOUR family. I've done breastfeeding counseling for WIC for years, and have seen some top-of-the-line parents who were 18, and some horrible ones who honestly didn't deserve to have their kids at 40. Age is just a number, it is the love and devotion we give out kids that count.
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Old 06-26-2006, 05:33 AM   #5
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Re: Feeling uhhhh weird i guess LOL

I just can't even belive that people are behaving like that. Like what you are going through and have gone through isn't enough. The age you choose to have your children has no refelct on your parenting. Everyone parents differently with different morals, values and beliefs that is what makes the world such an interesting place. I personally believe in parenting 24/7 but I am also a very orderly and kind of strict parent (blaming this on OCD). I feel my kids are pains sometimes but I am always complimented on how they act so I know I am doing a great job. Having a child at 22 is NOT a young mom in my eyes and you were an adult that could make your decisions and give your children all the love and attention they need. What business is it of hers if you feed on demand or co sleep? Is she at your home dealing with it? This just fustrates me to no end. I had my son when I was 16 and in the 10th grade, bet your booty I had some looks and under the breath comments but NEVER once did someone have the nerve to tell me I was too young to be a proper mother (I fed on demand, co slept and held my son ALL THE TIME). Did you say anything to her? I know I would've just gone off on her. While I am not an overly religious person I do know (at least at my church) that they are supposed to accept you for who you are and comfort you in your time of need. Making you feel like an outcast and a bad mother is just wrong. While I can't tell you what to do I know I would have a few things to say to a select few people and personally I would think about taking a break from that church if it continued. The last thing you need is to feel worse about being a parent and a person. I have first hand expierence that you are a very kind and generour person and there is no doubt in my mind that you are also a wonderul mother.
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Old 06-26-2006, 06:18 AM   #6
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Re: Feeling uhhhh weird i guess LOL

She is just rude! I was 17 when I had our first kiddo, so I don't consider 22 young at all! I can tell that you really care about your kids and you do fun things with them and obviously, you are doing AP which is great for your them, not bad!! Geez, doesn't she realize what you are going through! The issues she brought up are so opinions, and not even right or wrong (young mom, AP issues, discipline, ect.). I would avoid her like the plauge and might even stop going there for awhile or find another church. A church is a place to find refuge and focus on God, NOT be condemed for things that aren't even wrong! I think your family could really use a church right now for support, so maybe look for another church.

You are a great mom and you are dealing with a tragic issue and so is your family. We all deal with grief in different ways, so if your kids are acting out, that is normal for them. Is there maybe a counselor that your dd can talk to or maybe a family counselor that could see all of you? Maybe that would help. In our county, there are also grief support groups for parents that have lost a child through miscarriage, still birth, or older child. They also have one for kids. It is run by a counselor and is free. The counselor has lost 2 children herself. It might really help you to be around others that are going through the same thing and really know what you are going through. I'm sure there is something in your area.

Sorry that you are having to deal with these people on top of everything.
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Old 06-26-2006, 07:32 AM   #7
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Re: Feeling uhhhh weird i guess LOL

First, I want to say I am SO sorry about your son. I cant imagine how hard this must be for you. The loss of a child is such a terrible thing and I am sorry that you had to go through it.

I know this is not helpful, but I think what your dd is going through with loosing her baby brother is totally normal. I think the pp had a great idea, maybe get her involved in a grief support group with other kids. It might help her? I have also been to workshops for siblings who have lost their sisters or brothers, or who have ones with terminal illnesses (TOTALLY not the same I know!) and they always said that expressing themselves through art was very helpful for the grieving little ones.

As for the church lady, all i can say is WHAT A BUTT! Seriously, where does she get off? Your in a vulnerable position right now and she is taking advantage of that by cutting down your parenting choices! As many pps said, your a wonderful mom and you have nothing to worry about. If she cannot offer you support, and cannot say positive things about your family, then IMO she has no buisness being anywhere near you guys!
It also makes me sad to think your fellow church members are avoiding you. I tend to agree that maybe you should try and find a more welcoming church community? Or, if your not comfortable, maybe say something? Talk about the loss of your son, and mention that its not helping you to be avoided and thats not what you need. Sometimes people just dont know how to act so unfortunatley they act like jerks.

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Old 06-26-2006, 01:04 PM   #8
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Re: Feeling uhhhh weird i guess LOL

I don't know what to say to all of that! That's awful!

I think everyone worries they're messing up their kids but I *really* think the ones that don't worry REALLY ARE! Take care,
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Old 06-28-2006, 11:32 AM   #9
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Re: Feeling uhhhh weird i guess LOL

I am so sorry for your losses. I can't even began to imagine how you & your family are feeling right now... & I am so sorry that you are not getting the support you need from friends at church...

As far as people being so judgemental, talking behind your back & not saying hi, including the bishop... I wonder if you could talk to the bishop... If that doesn't work out, I wonder if you need to search out another church... God is at many churches... churches do get in ruts... maybe yours in in a rut & your family needs a change... & as far as the other members offering you parenting advice, I wonder if you could ask them not to offer unless you are asking... maybe they would be able to agree to disagree... of course not all mama's are able to do this... I just sadly had a blow out with a college friend after asking her 3 times that we not talk about our parenting differences! Some people just can't let disagreements go... those might not be the mama's that you want to hang out with... Searching out a new loving church might be the way to go... of course no ones perfect & no churches are either.... but the way these mama's are treating you makes me wanta cry...
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Old 06-28-2006, 12:37 PM   #10
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Re: Feeling uhhhh weird i guess LOL

I agree with Jennifer -- as a former clergy person, I would ABSOLUTELY suggest you talk to the bishop. IF your church can't be there for you in your time of grief and mourning, then something is terribly wrong.

There will be critical, insensitive people in every venue, and there will be super nice ones. Don't let the judgemental types ruin your life; find others there who will support you, and do your best to ignore those who have to give their own egos a lift by putting other people down.

I think if someone spoke to me like that, I'd stare them straight in the face and say, "I certainly hope nobody will speak critically to you at a time you are going through a grievious loss. That's one of the most hurtful things anyone could do to another human being. If you disagree with some of the times and choices I've made, I'd like to point out that there is a time and place to express those opinions, and right now, in front of me, is thoughtless and cruel. You should be ashamed of yourself."

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