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Old 09-18-2006, 05:33 AM   #1
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Angry How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....

So, I need some advice on how exactly to handle this situation that has arisen. My 4 year old daughter went up north with my parents this weekend along with my ds and their (soon to be) cousin. When the kids arrived home I got my daughter in the shower knowing a weekend of camping was dirty. I noticed she was not wearing any undies under her pants and I asked her why. She said that she wet all of her undies (she has a tendancy to wait untilt he last possible moment before telling you she needs to go potty). I decided to talk with her about her "area" being private and to not let anyone see or touch it and if someone were to that she should tell mommy or daddy immediatly. She then blurts out "Jayson tried to touch my cucu and I told him that was nasty". She even showed me how he tried to touch her and yes, it was on her private area. I then (very calmly) asked for details, where, when and who was around. She said it was not up north that it was when she was over my moms a while ago. I know 4 year olds have no concept of time so I immediatly called my mother and then I found out this happened last week and OOPS, she forgot to tell me WTH??? Apparently Madison said that they were showing each other parts (made no mention of touching) and my mom said she talked to them (apparently not good enough) but failed to tell me. I am so upset, this is my baby girl. My "nephew" is 7 years old and knows better plus this is not the first time. About a year ago my dh walked into the room to see my nephew with his pants undone and my dd in front of him. We talked to both kids as well as my brother and his girlfriend. Since then I thought we were supervising well enough. I told my mom that she is not having Madison over if she can not properly supervise (she was aware of last years incident) and if she ever has the kids and Jayson arrives that I want ot be called immediatly.

Okay, so how to I handle this? Do I try talking to my brother and SIL again, make a report, avoid any and all contact between dd and cousin? This is making me sick, it is my job to protect my child and I feel like I failed her. I just want to take her and hide forever. Help, I really need advice
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Old 09-18-2006, 05:41 AM   #2
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Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....

To me it sounds like your nephew is just curious. BUT, that is completely unacceptable. I would have is parents have a looooooooong talk with him and set up some serious consequences if he were to do anything like this again. He needs to know it's okay to see and play with himself, but that showing others his penis and touching other people's private areas is very wrong.

And I would make sure that DD was never ever EVER around him alone.

That's a hard situation. He IS just a child still, but he is old enough that it all needs to be taken care of and he needs to understand that it's not right for him to be doing these things.

(And yes, I'd be very mad at the grandparents if they forgot to tell me something that important!)
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Old 09-18-2006, 06:03 AM   #3
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Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....

ooh I'd be livid, me personally I'd be having a very long talk with Gma & Gpa, AND bro & sil, and I'd never want their son around my daughter again (already it's not a first time incident kwim?)
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Old 09-18-2006, 06:44 AM   #4
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Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....

I understand kids are curious but this is MY daughter, she is only 4. I remember being curious as well but I most certainly was not 4 nor was my friend I was curious with (nor did he touch my parts, a little show me yours I'll show you mine thing). I am just so upset and don't want to overreact but don't want to brush it off. What if I ignored it and it got worse, it would be my fault then. I am so close to my brother and SIL and don't want to cut ties but if it means keeping my daughter safe then that's what I'd do. I don't know, I am just so upset. I think I should call my brother as I can be more myself with him (meaning saying exactly what is on my mind) than with SIL (she takes things way wrong). I feel sick........
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Old 09-18-2006, 07:05 AM   #5
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Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....



I'm so sorry that you are going through this...I know that it is an awful feeling and makes your blood boil. We went through this with DD and her stepbrother (at her dad's house) when she was just barely 5 and he was 7. The first time it happened I was really upset, but wrote it off as kids being kids and called her dad to tell him and make sure that he didn't leave them together unsupervised.

The second (and third and fourth.....) times I was livid. I think that by the time a child is 7 they should know better, especially after being talked to about it. I understand that a 7 y.o. is a child...but I do feel that if their parent is responsible they can clearly understand right from wrong and make a proper decision...especially regarding something like this.

Of course, in DD's situation, the parents weren't helping. The kids were constantly left together unsupervised...this was happening in the basement, under the stairs, while DD's dad (my ex) was shut in his bedroom watching TV and smoking. When it became obvious that he wasn't going to do anything, I did wind up calling DSS...because it was the only thing I could do. I couldn't refuse to send DD for visitation, but somehow it had to stop. In the end, they all wound up getting counseling, and the situation has stopped.

I would definitely call your brother. See what his response is. I don't know him obviously, but there is a chance that he will be just as upset about it as you are. I know that my DH would be very distraught in his shoes and would do everything possible to "fix" things.

I do think you are right to be concerned...I have a good friend who was molested by his cousin all through his childhood. He never told his parents because his (older) cousin told him not to. I haven't researched it myself at all, but his therapist told him that cousin-cousin molestation is very common...they feel that it is close enough to be "safe" but not so close to be "wrong" (like a sibling would be).

Also a thought...I know that we took DD to a counselor for a while who emphasized that private areas were private and what to do when someone violates her body privacy. Obviously these were things that we had talked with her about many times, but I do think that having a 3rd party talk to her really drove the message home.
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Old 09-19-2006, 04:07 PM   #6
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Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....

OH Dawn! I'm SO sorry you are going through this! It is absolutly NOT acceptable and I would NOT let my child around him again. Even if he is just curious it doesn't mean that he can be curious at your DD's expense...no way.

If you've already talked to everyone then it sounds like talking isn't going to work. Its so sad too...but the only thing you can do is protect your DD from being molested. I just found out last week that my friends almost 4 yr old has been being molested by a 13 year old boy for almost a year. It makes me completly completly sick and I am hell bent to protect my children from something like that happening to them.

And you mother didn't find telling you something like that important? WTH is wrong with her?!?!? That is soooo serious and I would be so mad ast my mom for not telling me something like that. I would not let her watch my children again. Protecting Madi and Lilly is far more important that hurting an adults feelings.
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Old 09-18-2006, 07:07 AM   #7
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Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....

If they were both 4, I'd be concerned but honestly, he's 7 and 7 year olds do have concepts of what's right and what's not-- this world can be sick and weird. I have seen kids molest other kids (please don't think I'm saying this is what's happening) --

I would not let my child be alone with this cousin-- and I would talk to his parents and the grandparents to let them know why you're not comfortable with it. I am over protective, but hell, it's my child.

I'd also be concerned about his behavior in the where did he learn it. Or why he hasn't learned that it isn't appropriate.

((HUGS)) to you mama, that would just horrify me.

Last edited by MamaMegan; 09-18-2006 at 07:09 AM.
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Old 09-18-2006, 07:12 AM   #8
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Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....

Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaMegan

Honestly, I'd also be concerned about his behavior in the where did he learn it. Or why he hasn't learned that it isn't appropriate.
This is a very good point. My DD's stepbrother had been "exposed" to some pretty disturbing stuff at his biological father's house, and in counseling it all came out. Obviously I'm not saying that your brother or his gf are doing anything wrong with him, but there are still babysitters, neighbors...etc. Of course, that may not even be the case in this situation, but it is a possibility and it would be very worthwhile for him to go to counseling. Even if he hasn't learned it from somewhere else, it would help him learn appropriate behavior.
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Old 09-18-2006, 01:43 PM   #9
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Re: How do I handle this? Disturbing to say the least....

ETA I just read that you talked to your brother sorry I was too fast to post rather then reading first


I am sorry I am sure I will get flamed but my Ex boyfriends son was touching my nephew who was he same age and also his own sister who was 6 years younger like I am talking a baby! this is NOT cool I would put a stop to it right away. I broke up with my ex so he could and would have any reason to be around my nephew!
If I was in your place I would not allow the children to be together PERIOD!

IMO something has happened to this boy for him to be doing this at his age and from what I am getting more then once. I would look into this if I was you and keep him away from my kids regardless of them being boys or girls!

Sorry I am just very passionate about this!
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