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Old 10-18-2006, 11:27 AM   #1
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question for mamas with kids very close in age

Hello mamas!

As you probably know, we are pre adoptive foster parents. We just got a call for a newborn baby girl, still in the hospital. We are waiting to hear about her details, but as it stands all we know is that she will first go to a temporary foster home until a permanant, pre adoptive one is found. So I have a few days to think this through.

Part of me wants to say yes, and the other part of me thinks I am insane for even concidering this. Amira is not yet one, she is 11 months. Celeste is 7 with involved special needs. Dh and I both agree we want more children, but dont agree on it being now. He wants to wait until Amira is at least 2. I am open to suggestion

So what I am looking for is personal opinions and experiences. Yes, I am sure we could make it work, but do we want to is the question. Would we be happy or would we regret it? I dont want to make the wrong decision, I am sure many other families would be happy to give this baby a home if we are not able. DH is concerned about stretching ourselves to thin. He feels that we are at a point where our youngest is still a baby and needs us and that it would not be fair to either of the little ones to bring a new baby in the home, not to even mention poor Celeste. We just got home from a scary hospital stay, and dh is worried about how our family would have managed in the intesive care unit with Amira and a newborn. He feels that if Amira were older and slightly more self sufficient that a newborn would be much easier to manage, and that as a whole we would all enjoy our new addition that much more, as opposed to it being more work instead of more joy. That being said, I know my dh, and I know he will adore any child we bring home as much as he adores his current two. I know he will adapt and be happy with our family no matter how many children are in it.

I do hear his points and I think they are good ones. I also see a benefit to having sisters close in age, I think its an incredible gift to give each of the girls for the rest of thier lives.

So, can mamas of children about 1 year apart chime in and give me a reality check on how your lives work? Is there more joy and happiness than frustration and stress? In our situation, taking Celeste into account, do you think its rash to bring a new baby home, or do you think its wise to wait until our baby is slightly older?

thanks so much everyone
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Old 10-18-2006, 11:35 AM   #2
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

Well...my first two dd's are 16 months apart which is a bit more, but most people considered it pretty close..and I thought it was wonderful! they always got along so well and i did not find it too difficult. I pretty much had a new baby every 2 years after that till my last two, had a 5 yr gap after #5...and of course i don't have any children with special needs to deal with besides asthma, so that is something i am not knowledgable with..but I think that whatever you decide will be right, you are right, someone else will be happy to give that sweet baby a home I am sure( I would love to..lol) but if you decide that someone is you, I think you will get along fine, and your two little ones will be best friends!

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Old 10-18-2006, 11:51 AM   #3
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

I am worried about being streched thin as well when this one comes and mine will be about 18 mos apart. To me, 2-3 years is probably ideal, but I have not YET had the experience of raising them together...so I would hold off, but on the other hand, I have such a hard time saying no to a baby!!! I feel your pain mama!
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Old 10-18-2006, 11:58 AM   #4
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

I had three babies in three years. Yes, it's a lot of work. Some days I wonder what on earth I was thinking. However I love having them close. The two older kids play together a lot- built in best friends, ya know? I honestly don't think three kids is that much more work than two. We plan to adopt in the future as well and will probably begin the process when KB is 2. I would take a couple days to talk/think/pray with your Dh.

GL
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Old 10-18-2006, 12:53 PM   #5
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

My 2 are 15 months apart. At first I was devestated...but now I wouldn't do it any other way. I'm actually planning on doing 2 more 1-1/2 years apart in about 4 years! It was alot of work in the beginning but now that DD and DS are playing together it is great. They are the best of friends too!
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Old 10-18-2006, 01:09 PM   #6
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

Our 2 will be almost 15 months apart and a few people have told us that we will love it because they will be the best of friends and they will be so close, most people though think we are crazy.

I do think that your situation is a little different though than just having babies close together because of your DD's special needs.

Our DD has Epilepsy and I know that your Celeste also has seizures with other things and I know how hard it can be.

Honestly if I would have had a choice I would not have had our babies so close.

I am really worried about how we are going to deal with bringing DD to all of her appointments and tests with a newborn in tow, I am preparing myself for the fact that maybe I will not be able to go to all of the appointments at times.

It just seems that right now with our DD there seems to be a lot of unknown with regard to how she is and how stable she is at any moment so I am worried about having to deal with another baby while going through all of that.

I also don't want to take any attention away from DD or DS and I worry about having time for both of their needs so that neither gets the short end of the stick. I'm more worried about dealing with DD's issues and then feeling like DS is lacking in some way.

I have no doubt that it can be done and it can be dealt with and both will get equal time and love but it's just IF I had a choice this is not the "ideal" that I would have chosen.

I just think that you need to consider your situation and what you are capable of and go through how you would handle something happening with Celeste and then what you would do with the other 2 when that was going on.

I always think it's best to look at things ahead of time and try to work things out and then see if it is really something you can deal with.

I have no doubt you will do what's best for you and your family, I can't imagine how hard it would be to be offered another little miracle and have to think about the possibility of saying no.

Just remember that there are TONS of families that would also jump at the chance to have this little one so if you do decide that it's not what is in the best interest for you and your family you should not feel badly.



Your family are always in our thoughts and prayers.

So is Celeste feeling better?? I was so worried and have been thinking and wondering how everything was going from your post about her being in the ICU. I had my DH read your posts and he was worried too.
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Old 10-18-2006, 01:24 PM   #7
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

Personally, from one foster mama to another, if you and your dh agreed to wait, I'd follow through with that and wait. I know it sounds corny, but there IS a home for that baby, and if you're not 100%, then it might not be yours, kwim?

That said, right now our boys are 7 (May, 1999), 6 (July, 2000), 4 (Jan/02) 1 (March/05) and 1 (April/05). The 7yo and the April baby are our bios; the 6yo is our stb-adopted son (we've had him since 2003), and the 4 and 1yo's have been with us since April/May -- came to us 2x and were RU once for 5 weeks.

So, if you do take this baby, I'm right there in the loony bin with ya! You should see the looks I get from people when they ask if the babies are twins, and I say no. Then the "How far apart are there?" "Three weeks!"

Talk to your dh and look waayyyy inside to see if this REALLY is the right baby and the right time for your family.

GL!
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Old 10-18-2006, 06:44 PM   #8
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

My first 2 children are 13 months apart and honestly at the beginning it was hard. My oldest didn't walk until she was 18 months old so I was carrying around 2 for a bit. HOWEVER, I will say it wasn't unmanageable. They are sometimes best buddies now, but also, I need to be real creative in separating them as they do need their own space - often it is just too much that they are together all the time, in the same level activities, etc. But I'm not trying to discourage you, I wouldn't change it. You are in a unique situation and it could be a whole lot different. By the way, I'm in the far northwest suburbs of Chigago. We could be closer than we know!

Erika
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Old 10-18-2006, 10:17 PM   #9
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

mine are 12 months apart. i was nuts still am! i LOVE having them so close together, they are my little twins. people asked me if it is hard having them so close. yes and no. yes its hard going shopping and getting private time.... its not hard because of a built in playmate and everything that comes with it. my motto was that god wouldnt give me more than i could handle and i would think of that during the rough patches. hugs to you momma and i hope you are able to come to a good decision for your family.
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Old 10-18-2006, 10:32 PM   #10
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

my brother and I are very close in age and I LOVE IT!!!! He is my best friend in the whole world and I love him to bits and pieces!! He has always been there for me when we moved alot when we were little in those new elementary school days and made me feel better during those lost junior high school days and hung out all the time during the great high school days. We even went to college together after I graduated...I graduated after him! If you didn't know us, most people think we are twins and we laugh. I can finish his sentences before he says them and we laugh at jokes we don't even have to tell.....ANd the best part is my dh and him get along great too!! So he is always welcomed around here for as long as he wants to stay...But he moved to AZ for a job and I still live in WA. But he fly's up almost once a month to come visit and see his new nephew!! I would not trade having him so close for the world!! And just when I thought I was the onlyone who thought this way, his girlfriend tells me he says the same about me!! Built in Best Friends----gotta love siblings...My baby is about 9 months old and we have been tryin to get preg for 4 months now cuz I want mine close together too!! GO FOR IT!
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