Is this a phase?? any BTDT mamas?

[hlstevens]

DS1 has been so angry and defiant lately. He used to be so polite and he listened well. A lot changed after DS2 was born, and I expected that. I can take acting out from time to time, getting jealous and all that...but lately if you tell him no, or if he doesnt get his way he just screams and screams, and gets so angry I dont even think he knows what he is doing! The past few days, I've had to put him in his room and close the door. He just goes insane. He threw himself in a fit yesterday and bashed his head on the wall, he wont let me touch him w/o flailing and "dont touch me" but yet he screams when I leave the room and wants me to stay. Today he lost his voice and made himself throw up, all because I told him he could have a drink of water, when he wanted juice. We *never* have juice, and I bought it this one time b/c of a playdate so now it's all he asks for.
I dont want to give in to him just for him to stop, but it's sooo tempting. I dont know where this defiant behavior came from, but I'm hoping it's just a phase? (he's 3 yrs old.)
I know he's not getting the attention he craves, but I'm doing the best I can. And even when he does get to have a fun day doing all sorts of fun things he still acts this way so I dont know. I'm at a loss, I've never been more upset with him.
Any tips from you ladies would be helpful. All my parents say is maybe he needs a good swat and I really dont want to do that, b/c I think it will just lead us down a dangerous road w/ our anger

[SilentJ]

Oh my, I can totally relate and you have my sympathies completely. He's not psychotic -- it really is just a phase! When I saw the first few lines of your post I thought, "hmm, a 3.5 yr old boy?" Ours was so similar at that age, and he also had a new sibling. Their personalities just seem to shift so suddenly. My new theory is that they are internally conflicted because they want more independence but they are also clinging to being your baby, and sometimes they just can't take it and out comes the rage. It seems to be this age (I just ran into a harried mother at the supermarket in the middle of the same age and the same behavior.)

As to how to deal with it, the best thing we found was just to try to ignore the rages without ignoring him, i.e. go about your business as if it weren't happening and let him get it all out and tell him (without anger, if you can muster it) that you will be able to talk to him when he's done. It didn't make his anger go away, but it kept us from getting wrapped up in it. It was really key for us to not show any anger and not betray at all how much it was ticking us off. Also, we offered LOTS of choices, even ridiculous ones ("Do you want Lightning McQueen to sleep in this box or in the other one?" "Do you want to pee before brushing your teeth or after?"). It seemed to give him some control he needed.