SIL dilikes my child. Cousins can't play.

[tmy237]

I'm so sorry about your mean SIL. She sounds very spoiled and ungrateful. It would seem to me that you & your family would be better off without her negativity and drama in your lives. HUGS to you and your daughter.

By the way, I'm in Oregon too (Salem)!

[descrstn]

Well first of all Sophie and A* would usually get off on the wrong foot because Sophie is super affectionate. She greets A* with a hug and she loves to say "I love you" A* does not respond to these she is stoic and stiffens up in Sophies arms and steps away. It hurts her feeling and sometimes she gets upset right off the bat and it starts some kind of fight, or Sophie will cry and A* will be confused. I always prepare Sophie and remind her that everyone isn't a hugger and thats OK, it doesn't mean she doesn't like her. After the greeting and initial argument they play for like 2 hours until one of them gets cranky. They are both firstborns/onlies and want to lead the play.

We teach Sophie both apologies and forgiveness, but SIL says they are too young to understand giving forgiveness and even their own apologies. Sophie said to A* after swiping something out from her hand "I am sorry can I have another chance?" And SIL was appalled that her 4 year old should be given the authority to forgive. "She doesn't understand that" she said "Neither of them can understand that". A* gives blank stares to "Thank you" instead of "Your welcome" again, she must be too young.

I said even if they were too young to understand, "Please, Thank You, Your welcome, I'm sorry, and forgive me" it is still good practice for when they need to use them when they are smart enough to get those concepts. We have been teaching these to Sophie since speech. And I think she understands them. I think the reason Sophie is the bad guy here because she gets all upset when A* doesn't respond to what Sophie thinks is normality. Its frustrating to her.

I thought public schooled kids were supposed to be more socially adept?!?!

*sigh*

[R055ANA]

hi there!

I am sprry that you and your family are going thru this tough situation. While I would have been deeply hurt by my SIL doing this I would try to keep in mind how difficult things are for her and her daughter.

You have the spouse, the sweet daughter and she seems to be struggling and all this comparing children might have her thinking that her child isn't up to par with yours.

Here are some things that I suggest:
-do limit your contact w/ SIL and A* but don't speak badly of either in front of your child. This will cause you trouble if SIL wants to make peace later on.
-offer your child the opportunity to get together with other children and if she asks about playing w/ A* say something about A* not being able to come over at this time.

The great thing about this is that you and DH are on the same page on this issue. I would try to see things form her point of view and just pray that things get better for her. I know things must be really tough for her.

Best wishes,
Rossana

[jamieism]

People say and do such ugly ugly things! SIL sounds like a deeply unhappy person, and for whatever reason (perhaps some of what the PP said) she is taking it out on you and yours. I think all you can do is keep your distance. Do what you can to help Sophie understand that it is not *her* fault, but A* just can't come over right now, you hope she'll be able to some day, and get her involved with other kids, other friends. If you can find compassion for your SIL, stay open to reconciliation, but not at the price of letting her abuse you or be nasty to or about Sophie.
One thing... kids are very resilient about relationships in ways that adults are often not. My DD1 used to have all kinds of drama at Day care - who wants to play with whom, who is "friends" or "not friends" with whom today. DD1 would also get very angry sometimes and say things to her friends (I'll never be your friend again, etc etc). Sometimes I had to put her in her room and close the door and she would still be yelling. Later she'd feel sad, but her first response was always anger. I think some people are just like that and as she has gotten older she *still* responds that way but has learned to control it much better. But at 4... well I used to get upset and worry about it (both in terms of her being hurt and also feeling AWful about some of the things she would SAY). But then I also realized that a little while later they were all fine and I was the only one still upset.
Point is, this seems to be your SIL's problem first and foremost and saddest of all for her as she is the one that loses the most. It is sad that Sophie doesn't get to see A* but she is and will suffer from it less than you, even if she does ask about her.
Hang in there and don't take it personally. No matter what SIL says, this is clearly not about you or Sophie. It's all her...

[RobynJ]

I am by no means justifying her actions. They were out of line. My sons is allergic to everything too. It makes you a little crazy to not always be able to protect your child. There are always reminders that your child (no matter how uniquely wonderful) is different. It does make you hover and treat that child differently. I know it isn't my fault that he has these allergies- but I still feel guilty. Sophie - in how great you are raising her- might be activating insecurities that your sil already has about herself and her child.

My son is smart, caring, and charming- but he will never be able to just go to a birthday party without phone calls ahead of time, special arrangements, etc. Every time he gets sick (he doesn't get anaphylaxis he wakes up screaming with stomach pains at night then horrible stomach problems for days after) I wish I could have done more to keep him safe that day. I think we can be the most vicious to our families... I am not saying she deserves a free pass. She has to live with this and be considerate of others... just saying- it might be more than what it appears to be.

[descrstn]

Originally Posted by R055ANA hi there! I am sprry that you and your family are going thru this tough situation. While I would have been deeply hurt by my SIL doing this I would try to keep in mind how difficult things are for her and her daughter. You have the spouse, the sweet daughter and she seems to be struggling and all this comparing children might have her thinking that her child isn't up to par with yours. Here are some things that I suggest: -do limit your contact w/ SIL and A* but don't speak badly of either in front of your child. This will cause you trouble if SIL wants to make peace later on. -offer your child the opportunity to get together with other children and if she asks about playing w/ A* say something about A* not being able to come over at this time. The great thing about this is that you and DH are on the same page on this issue. I would try to see things form her point of view and just pray that things get better for her. I know things must be really tough for her. Best wishes, Rossana

I never thought she might think A* wasn't up to par with mine. Thats sad. Because I never brought up their differences. It makes me sad that she'd be looking to compare them. I didn't compare them until after the meltdown (looking back) because I think thats mean. And now I'm upset that she has encouraged me to compare them now.

I think she hates men because all this was said to my husband, and they used to get along wonderfully until her divorce. She only complained about HIS parenting. She thinks I'm a saint apparently because she didn't/wouldn't say this stuff to me. She even praised my CDing this new baby saying she wanted to CD A* (allergies) but her then husband wouldn't let her (no wonder she hates men). The thing is DH and I are a united front and we do parent almost the same, so a qualm with him and my child IS a qualm with me. So apparently I am great and I am trying really hard, she thinks I shouldn't have got out of the Navy to SAHM though because we made good $$.

[descrstn]

Originally Posted by RobynJ I am by no means justifying her actions. They were out of line. My sons is allergic to everything too. It makes you a little crazy to not always be able to protect your child. There are always reminders that your child (no matter how uniquely wonderful) is different. It does make you hover and treat that child differently. I know it isn't my fault that he has these allergies- but I still feel guilty. Sophie - in how great you are raising her- might be activating insecurities that your sil already has about herself and her child. My son is smart, caring, and charming- but he will never be able to just go to a birthday party without phone calls ahead of time, special arrangements, etc. Every time he gets sick (he doesn't get anaphylaxis he wakes up screaming with stomach pains at night then horrible stomach problems for days after) I wish I could have done more to keep him safe that day. I think we can be the most vicious to our families... I am not saying she deserves a free pass. She has to live with this and be considerate of others... just saying- it might be more than what it appears to be.

I know the allergies are bad. I was accomodating to them I showed her the idea of food "rotating" menu so she doesn't get allergic to MORE things (her allergy list will grow if she relies on any one thing too much, like she became allregic to soymilk after too much usage so now its rice, almond, hazelnut, hemp on a 4 day rotation)

I know things are hard for her and I used to know her before being a mom, so she has changed a lot. She wasn't this uptight, and now man-hating. It makes me really sad. I thought we could help her out though. I still do feel bad for her even though my feelings are hurt too. Her life is kinda unfair and hard. But sometimes its like she doesn't WAN'T anyone else in her life.

Hopefully things get better by the holidays.

[crunchymom2b]

Wow, your SIL must be so miserable. I'm sure her actions are being motivated by a deep self esteem and resentment issue, now knowin her past with men and dealing with all the allergies and whatnot. However this is no excuse.

The person I feel the worst for is her daughter. Her daughter is being very affected by hermoms actions and what her mother is teaching her. Even if a 4 year old can't fully understand what "thank you" and "your welcome" and forgiveness are, she certainly can teach her that saying such things is the right thing to do then go from there.

Sophie is lucky to have a great mom like yourself. Just tell her the truth, as much of the truth that she can handle at least (like A's mommy doesn't want her playing right now" or something similar) and explain to her that it's not that A doesn't like her, etc.

I know you said you live in a small town, but are there any bigger cities within drivin distance? Usually larger towns and cities should have some sort of playgroups. What about local libraries? Do they have any story times or play groups? And what about the other kids in Sophie's class? Has she made friends with any of them?

[descrstn]

Originally Posted by crunchymom2b Wow, your SIL must be so miserable. I'm sure her actions are being motivated by a deep self esteem and resentment issue, now knowin her past with men and dealing with all the allergies and whatnot. However this is no excuse. The person I feel the worst for is her daughter. Her daughter is being very affected by hermoms actions and what her mother is teaching her. Even if a 4 year old can't fully understand what "thank you" and "your welcome" and forgiveness are, she certainly can teach her that saying such things is the right thing to do then go from there. Sophie is lucky to have a great mom like yourself. Just tell her the truth, as much of the truth that she can handle at least (like A's mommy doesn't want her playing right now" or something similar) and explain to her that it's not that A doesn't like her, etc. I know you said you live in a small town, but are there any bigger cities within drivin distance? Usually larger towns and cities should have some sort of playgroups. What about local libraries? Do they have any story times or play groups? And what about the other kids in Sophie's class? Has she made friends with any of them?

We have Sunday School, Library class on thursday and the park when it doesnt rain. so thats at least 2X a week sometimes 3 for socializing. Coos Bay has about 30k people and its a half hour away. Might be worth googling stuff

[Jenfrogmomcpst]