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Old 05-30-2010, 04:34 PM   #1
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We're hitting a brick wall and need a new direction!

We need discipline help pretty much. I am an ap parent, my dh just does what I do. We have 3 kids. the boys are 8 and 5, dd is 3. She does fine. The boys, not so much. My 8 yo is the worst. They purposly disrepect dh ALL the time. Dh for most of the past, has just told them no a million times and they keep on. Or he looks for me to make them stop or throws his hands up, and goes outside. They purposly try to aggravate him and get on his nerves just to see him get riled up basically. Anytime dh does try to do something about it, the boys act like its a game and run off laughing. When I step in and tell them no they usually quit. But I feel like when I do that its not helping with the listening to dh. We have used pops on the butt in the past and still do once in blue moon. I prefer not to do that. Its the only think not ap parenting that we do and not often at that. Of course my dh gave me the whole speech about how he didn't dare act like that when he was a kid, because he knew what would happen. I don't think its right to create fear in our kids. Dh says well what we're doing isn't working. I think we've hit a critical point and something needs to change. My 8yo is downright disrespectful alllllllllll the time. for the most part we get the whole whatever and eyes rolling i don't care act from him. Or he will outright just yell at us. he does not get away with this stuff and never has. He was just grounded for 3 days last week. What do you do when they out grow time outs?
They don't really have any day to day responsibilites. They do help clean up there playroom or rooms when ask. Should we give them more consistant chores? would that help.
What do you do when your kids show disrespect?

I guess I should also tell you what I usually do. Giving them the 1 2 3 count works well most times, if its something physical they're doing, like throwing toys. or making them leave the situation, or making them sit out for a little while.

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Old 05-30-2010, 05:01 PM   #2
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Re: We're hitting a brick wall and need a new direction!

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Old 05-30-2010, 05:43 PM   #3
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Re: We're hitting a brick wall and need a new direction!

I'm not a counter myself, never have been. Why should they get another 3-4 seconds to keep being naughty as I watch? I tell you to stop, you'd better stop.
My oldest is 9 and I think they kindof go thru this thing where they start disrespecting. Our 9yo gets a stern "What now??" Like we heard him and are upset. He corrects himself 9 times out of 10 and says "Oh, I'm sorry dad. I didn't mean it like that." Which is all we want really. Think about what you are saying, because words hurt.
Now if he doesn't fix it and apologize or keeps argueing, then he gets sent off to be alone to think about how to treat people(as he'd like to be treated) or if he just isn't getting it(like keeps doing it repeatedly) then he just goes to bed. We tell him that since he's having a really bad day with others, that he needs to end it now so he can start fresh again the next day.
I don't want him to continually get in trouble but I also find that sometimes when you have a crappy day, it's just best to end it there. Why suffer anymore, you know?
Our boys are pretty good(actually, pretty great). I don't give them nearly enough credit.
When they are young(I do home daycare) we use tons of redirection and age appropriate expectations. And you know what my secret is? Change environments! If inside ain't working, go outside! If free play isn't working, do table time. Sometimes you just can't make certain situations work for whatever reason.
My hubby isn't home but in the evenings. I think I have the kids 95% of their waking hours during the week. He finds parenting much harder than I do. But we try try try to remember 2 things:
1. Unified front. I got his back, he got mine. The kids never see us disagree on parenting.
2. That his interactions(because they are much fewer time wise) need to be positive. If a kid is only in his dad's presence 5% of his waking hours, you either get a super positive experience or a super negative experience because of the sheer volume of time vs problem. 10 minutes of my parenting day is a much lower percentage of time vs dad's.

We are AP all the way. We try to use real world situation explainations of mistakes(dude, we all make them!). Give respect, you get respect. Family unit(kids need daily chores). Pride. Community.
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Old 05-30-2010, 06:07 PM   #4
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Re: We're hitting a brick wall and need a new direction!

So sorry you're going through this. I'm a mom too and have some bad days so know how frustrating it all can be!! I just heard of a book that's getting rave reviews (I haven't read it) but it sounds awesome and I want to get it. It's [U]Have a New Kid by Friday[U] or have a new kid in five days. Something like that. But I heard a radio interview with the author and it sounded awesome.
One thing I do have to say is that it is a lot easier 'disciplining' or teaching them when they are younger, than when they are older. So you HAVE to nip this in the bud. Can you imagine him acting like this at age 16, with a driver's license and a girlfriend!! Aggh! He really has to learn to respect you guys as his authority. When he's an adult, he will have to respect the authority of his boss, the law, a policeman, etc. so he has to learn to obey an authority now or their could be dire consequences and you as parents will be paying for it for the rest of your lives. I heard a quote once, "They'll either learn it in the playpen, or in the state pen." I don't mean to scare you, but you are losing precious time in teaching your son some very important fundamentals in life, like respecting the authority placed over him. He has absolutely no respect for your husband. That is sad and will affect their relationship. I wouldn't want to be around a kid that disrespected me all the time. Your son could be losing some very valuable teaching opportunities that his father can give him, like teaching and sharing with him his favorite hobby, how to fix the car or just hanging out with a man. Find books, see a counselor, do whatever it takes and take it very seriously. This is a lot more important and serious than 'just a phase'. The other thing dangerous about this is your two other children are watching it all and seeing him get away with this. They will pick the behavior up. We personally believe in spanking for willful disobience (disobeying when they know it and doing it on purpose) and for disrespect (disobedience in action, including bad attitude, bad looks, bad remarks, yelling at us, rolling eyes, spitting, we've had them all). We spend a lot of time with our kids and have established a very close and healthy relationship with them and have tried to earn their respect in that way, but kids, we believe need spankings sometimes. It could actually save their lives later.
Spanking aside, I would give your husband more control in this area and trust him. He really needs to work on his personal relationship with his son. Let them be, to work this out. We as moms tend to get in the way too much and mess this up. This is between father and son, man to man. Your husband speaks his language better than we can. Thank God you have a husband who can input into your son's life. I feel for mom's who have to raise sons on their own. It has to be hard. Let the man in your house help raise the 'little man' in the house. He may have some insight and instinct that you lack. Trust him more and give him more reign in rearing your son. Believe me, their relationship will get better, they will do more things together and your son will respect him (and you) more. Your son needs his dad and that's awesome he has one in the house. That's so rare nowadays. Also, you and your husband have to agree with eachother (at least in front of the kids). It's disastrous if they think they can put one against the other. Stand strong as a team and your kids will actually love it and feel more stable.
Good luck!!! It is sooooo hard raising kids , the right way!
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Old 05-30-2010, 09:48 PM   #5
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Re: We're hitting a brick wall and need a new direction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by diapermommy View Post
We need discipline help pretty much. I am an ap parent, my dh just does what I do. We have 3 kids. the boys are 8 and 5, dd is 3. She does fine. The boys, not so much. My 8 yo is the worst. They purposly disrepect dh ALL the time. Dh for most of the past, has just told them no a million times and they keep on.

So there is no consequence other than being told to stop? They need some sort of consequence. Time alone in their room. A time out. 8 is not too old for a time out. A loss of a priviledge. SOMETHING other than just a "stop that."

Or he looks for me to make them stop or throws his hands up, and goes outside.

This is the relationship between father and son so really, your DH needs to take responsibility for the relationship and not you. If he chooses to allow it, then that's on him. If he feels the need to correct them and give them a consequence (you can discuss the consequences ahead of time) then HE should be the one to do it. Looking to to or just giving up (going outside) simply tells the kids that your DH doesn't really have any authority over them.

They purposly try to aggravate him and get on his nerves just to see him get riled up basically. Anytime dh does try to do something about it, the boys act like its a game and run off laughing.

So what does he do? What is keeping him from following through?

When I step in and tell them no they usually quit. But I feel like when I do that its not helping with the listening to dh.

I am fairly certain you are right on the money here. Every time you step in, it reinforces the concept that your DH isn't an authority and you are.

We have used pops on the butt in the past and still do once in blue moon. I prefer not to do that. Its the only think not ap parenting that we do and not often at that.

Don't worry about adhering to some random label for the sake of the label. Parent YOUR child.

Of course my dh gave me the whole speech about how he didn't dare act like that when he was a kid, because he knew what would happen. I don't think its right to create fear in our kids. Dh says well what we're doing isn't working. I think we've hit a critical point and something needs to change. My 8yo is downright disrespectful alllllllllll the time. for the most part we get the whole whatever and eyes rolling i don't care act from him. Or he will outright just yell at us. he does not get away with this stuff and never has.

If he does it all the time then he is getting away with it. If he has to be told multiple times to stop then he is getting away with it. I'm sure it was a gradual progression and didn't happen overnight though.

He was just grounded for 3 days last week. What do you do when they out grow time outs?

Well, I still put my 8yo DS in timeout.

They don't really have any day to day responsibilites. They do help clean up there playroom or rooms when ask. Should we give them more consistant chores? would that help.

I don't know that chores would help the disrespect much. They can do chores and still be disrespectful. It might help them to take some pride in a job well done and give them something to do rather than act up though.

What do you do when your kids show disrespect?

We start at a very young age. We ask our toddlers/preschoolers to repeat what they want to say in nice voices. We listen to them and then thank them for using their nice voice and tend to their requests.

My 8yo DS can sometimes be disrespectful. Usually it is in the tone of voice he uses or he sighs about being asked to do something. We point out his disrespect. We (try really really hard!) do not get loud or angry sounding with him. We simply tell him, "try that again" or "say it nicely" or something along those lines. If the attitude persists, we calmly but firmly remind him of WHY he needs to do what we ask. Usually if it's a chore, we remind him that we are a family and that we all pitch in to help. My husband tends to point out all of the things that others do for him to reinforce the idea that we all take care of each other.

If it is something that requires him to stop doing what he was wanting to do, we DO acknowledge it, "I understand that you were really enjoying playing with your legos but now it's time to set the table." Something about acknowledging his feelings diffuses the attitude and anger. It's like he realizes that we aren't just being big ole meanies and our goal is NOT to make him stop having fun.

We also acknowledge when he does things nicely and cheerfully and allow him to go back to what he was doing if it's feasible. "Thank you for setting the table. You can go play legos for about 10 more minutes until dinner is ready."

We also always try to address the underlying problem for the disrespect, but we address the disrespect FIRST. "I understand that you are upset, but talking to me like that won't help your case. Try to tell us politely."




I guess I should also tell you what I usually do. Giving them the 1 2 3 count works well most times, if its something physical they're doing, like throwing toys. or making them leave the situation, or making them sit out for a little while.
I think another mama addressed this, but 1 2 3 just gives them that much more time to misbehave. Toys that get thrown around here go to time out after a warning. Yes. The toys do. If the kids can't play with them nicely, they don't get to play with them.

I hope this helps. I think you are already on the right track in a lot of ways!
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Old 05-31-2010, 10:46 AM   #6
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Re: We're hitting a brick wall and need a new direction!

If you are able to check out these two books from the library, I think you will find them tremendously helpful (or at least they were to me) when it comes to discipline, mutual respect and overall family happiness.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Families (this one is a bit boring to read, but the 7 habits have helped us!)

Unconditional Parenting (can't recommend this book enough - it changes everything)
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