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Old 08-06-2010, 02:26 PM   #11
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Re: Unconditional Parenting

sorry, I haven't read the book so I'm not familiar with the approach, but what are the "potential long-term repercussions" of time-outs?

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Old 08-06-2010, 02:30 PM   #12
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Re: Unconditional Parenting

I personally find Unconditional Parenting to be way too extreme. I also feel like it misrepresents every other parenting philosophy or approach. The idea that punishing your child or giving consequences means that your love is conditioned upon their behavior is just ludicrous. Kids aren't stupid. When they do something naughty and then have a consequence, I really don't think they immediately think mommy doesn't love them. They know that their behavior and the consequence are linked. Let's give kids some credit--they can connect the two without assuming you don't love them. Most of us grew up with some form of punishment or consequences for our behavior--did you honestly ever doubt your parents' love for you? I didn't. Why? Because the amount and frequency of positive, loving interactions I had with my parents FAR outweighed the negative. There was never a reason for me to question their love.

To be clear, I don't personally favor a punishment-heavy philosophy of parenting either. But one of the ways that the unconditional parenting philosophy misrepresents the rest of us is that it assumes that the only alternative is punishments and rewards. Punishments and rewards are part of an approach to parenting based strictly on behavior modification. Yes, strict behavior modification does kind of treat people like they're robots. But there are other approaches out there. I personally love the "Positive Discipline" approach (Jane Nelson). She isn't heavy on punishment either and she is big on preventing misbehavior, which I'm a huge fan of. I find that I don't really handle misbehavior very well so my best strategy is to prevent it by making sure my kid is rested, fed, and feeling included. BUT she still gets naughty sometimes and I believe that it needs to be dealt with (most of the time--some things are best ignored).

Oh, and I actually do think rewards and incentives have their place in parenting. It's good for kids to learn about them. Much of the adult world is driven by them. Who would go to work if they didn't get paid? Who wouldn't speed when they were running late if there weren't punishments for breaking the speed limit? The truth is that humans respond to incentives and punishments.

Is your son's behavior linked to your change in parenting? I wouldn't claim to know. But I honestly wouldn't be shocked if it was. I highly recommend "Positive Discipline" as well as "The No-Cry Discipline Solution" (Elizabeth Pantley). Both are very gentle, non-punitive--but effective--philosophies.
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Old 08-06-2010, 02:45 PM   #13
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Re: Unconditional Parenting

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Originally Posted by BootyGold View Post
Time outs work. Period. He's been a pretty easy going, respectful kid up until now. Of course he has his moments, but for the most part, he was cooperative, and liked being independent. I feel like I've opened this can of worms, and how can I go back to using time outs when now I know the potential long-term repercussions?
If you know time outs work well, keep doing them! If you want a gentler way to do a similar thing, have you considered time ins? This is where you or the adult caregiver sits with the child to talk about what's going on, rather than having the child sit by him or herself. This is especially effective, I have found, when the child is in the worked-up state and really needs to take a chill pill for a few minutes!
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Old 08-06-2010, 02:47 PM   #14
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Re: Unconditional Parenting

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Before, I would say something like..."We don't hit, that is not nice and you can hurt someone that way. If you hit again, you will go in time out."

Now, I say "That hurts me when you hit. Would you want someone to hit you and make you feel badly?"

He's not hitting out of anger, he just thinks its funny So he just laughs at me. That can't be good!!!



Time outs work. Period. He's been a pretty easy going, respectful kid up until now. Of course he has his moments, but for the most part, he was cooperative, and liked being independent. I feel like I've opened this can of worms, and how can I go back to using time outs when now I know the potential long-term repercussions?
The thing with time outs is that I use it as a break. Take a step back and evaluate your actions. 2 minutes on the stairs, in the hallway, in your room alone, where ever we are.

Is it possible he could be going through a growth spurt?? Developmental change? In addition to HALT, any chance can trigger a behavioral reaction. My DD's speech has really changed the last few weeks and the past week or so, her sleeping pattern was all screwed up, which then led to behavior problems. Of COURSE there are also the days when there is just no reasonable excuse and your child is just simply acting there age! Almost 3 is just SUPER some days...lol. GL mama.
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Old 08-06-2010, 02:48 PM   #15
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Re: Unconditional Parenting

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Originally Posted by Fire In The Disco View Post
If you know time outs work well, keep doing them! If you want a gentler way to do a similar thing, have you considered time ins? This is where you or the adult caregiver sits with the child to talk about what's going on, rather than having the child sit by him or herself. This is especially effective, I have found, when the child is in the worked-up state and really needs to take a chill pill for a few minutes!
I agree with this as well. Just trust yourself to know when your child needs you, or really needs the space to be alone.
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Old 08-06-2010, 02:59 PM   #16
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Re: Unconditional Parenting

We call time-out a "cool-down". That helps us use it the right way and it helps keep the focus on what I think the focus should be. I really think it's healthy and important for children to learn that sometimes they need to take a break from life to cool down. Adults need them, too, and not just from their children. We all need a cool-down period every now and then. The thing with kids is that they aren't as good at recognizing the need to cool down, so it's our job as parents to help point it out. I don't think we come by emotional regulation naturally. It's something we need to learn.
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:48 PM   #17
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Re: *UPDATE* Unconditional Parenting

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