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Old 08-15-2010, 06:57 AM   #11
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Re: Anyone else feel like their kid is invisible to their family?

Is it because this is your fourth child and the nephew is the first for her? I know that doesn't make it okay but maybe they are just excited for her and her first child and not even realizing what they are doing. I know its hard though. My older is favored at times but it is more due to personality. She is smart, verbal, sassy and has a bright personality. The younger is clingy, very slow to "blossom" (barely crawled at one year old) and unfortunately, compared to big sis a lot of the time.

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Old 08-15-2010, 08:12 AM   #12
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Re: Anyone else feel like their kid is invisible to their family?

No advice really but I know it sucks from experience. My brother sister and I were the ignored kids while my cousins were doted on. They spent lots of time with my grandparents and were provided with new school wardrobes every year (while we wore thrift store hand me downs, not bad to wear but we did feel left out) thrown birthday parties ect. And let me tell you it is hard to be thankful for the pair of jeans you got for christmas when across the room your ousin gets a new computer and a basketball goal.
sorry got carried away
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Old 08-15-2010, 10:09 AM   #13
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Re: Anyone else feel like their kid is invisible to their family?

My grandmom always favored my mom (I've heard) and she really favored my brother and me and now she favors my kids. She completely ignored my cousins growing up- would get them MAYBE one gift at Christmas but would bring bags of gifts for my brother and myself. And now ignores my cousins kids. It annoys me and I don't allow her to do it because I saw how unfair it was to my cousins and how hurtful it was to my aunts when my cousins were being ignored. I can't tell you why your family ignores your baby but it's not nice and he will soon begin to notice and will be very hurtful as he grows up. Your sister is out of line IMO for what she said to your sons about the baby being 'babied'. IDK what to say though because really, people aren't going to change their ways unless you say something.
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Old 08-15-2010, 12:02 PM   #14
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Re: Anyone else feel like their kid is invisible to their family?

The family is closer to my sister, no doubt. She was single and available to them for many years while I was busy with three young kids in a bad marriage and out of state. I get that, but I have been back for four years now, and I would think that we'd have reconnected by now. I do try, but it is hard for me to reach out, because my life is crazy. They know that, and often don't even ask me to do stuff because they assume I can't or won't want to. I have told them to ask me anyway and let me decide and they are getting better about it. But its been a big source of hurt to hear about later a shopping trip or even a vacation that they planned and didn't include me/us.

I think that maybe deep down my sis might resent my DS a bit. I got pg as her first was born, and it wasn't planned, though we were very happy. But still, I was the one who had the kids all these years, and now it was her turn to be in the baby spotlight and her baby is less than a month old and we are announcing a pregnancy!?! I was really worried she'd be mad. She acted happy and thought it would be neat to have cousins close in age, etc, but IDK, maybe deep down it bugged her. She is one who hides her feelings and it comes out to bite you in other ways. Maybe the whole family feels the same way.

Aunt K was DN's nanny for the first two years of his life so she is a lot closer to him too. And Gma and BIL's mom are best friends from childhood, so they fawn over DN together, though BIL's mom is really good to my kids too bless her heart. But they still just love how their families are now connected and DN is the very epitome of that connection.

And then there is the whole issue of us being "crunchy". I mean, we are not a typical family! We have four kids, three of whom have Aspergers, we avoid processed food, we CD, have backyard chickens, live simply, limit TV, buy second hand, I stay home even though we can hardly afford it, DS is intact, unvaxed, etc. I think they just don't "get" us.

The worst of it is that I live next door to my sister, and have watched over the past two years that we have lived here the family comes to visit her and not us. Even if we have a party here, people will park in her driveway, go in her house for a while and then come over here together. I think our home is comfortable and inviting, I try to make it so anyway, but they seem to gravitate to her place. I have spent a lot of time feeling upset about it, but after talking with them (they didn't notice they were doing it apparently) and having it make no difference, I find it easier to just accept it now and try to ignore it. I am sure the same thing will happen if I bring the issue with DS up.

But I can't accept this ignoring of my baby. I mean, as you mamas were talking about gifts, I realized that Gma bought DN a sand/water table for his 1st bday and bought DS a puzzle. For his second bday DN got a play kitchen and DS got nothing, because Gma didn't get the message about the party. I really don't want to keep score, I don't, its shallow and petty and not me. But its just so in my face its like I am being hit over the head with it. And Aspies keep score like nothing else if you know any so even if I try to ignore it my older boys won't let me. DS1 is madder about it than I am.

And unfortunately, my family is *it* as far as family because DH's family all lives far away out of state and we never see them.

I am thinking to just start opting out of family stuff, or keep it super short and sweet, come late and leave early. Its just too overwhelming, the kids don't do great at family gatherings anyway, and I always leave feeling like @#$%. Its so not worth it.
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Old 08-15-2010, 12:21 PM   #15
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Re: Anyone else feel like their kid is invisible to their family?

I have that with my child now, she is 6, all she has is me, for the first four years she had a Dad that I handpicked for her, we had been together and we got married and he doted on her. My family never really paid much attention to her, and I think because she was not biologically his his family did not do much for her, now they tell me that he would not let them spend more time with her, but who really know the truth. Two years ago he walked away, just didn't come home from work, now lives with this girl that I had been helping for over 10years, she had baby no where else to stay, so who took care of her and her baby me. She moved in and out of my house for years with daughter, never worked one bad man to another, then I believe she told him that she thought I was having an affair, my mom was sick for a long time, she passed and a few months after that boom he was gone and with this girl I helped get her kid back from foster care, blah blah blah.... It has been two years not even a phone call? She still has issues when I leave her to go to Bible study, and she has virtually no family but me, and I have a grown daughter who loves her, but no aunts uncles grandmothers, she is looking for Dad and family. I would avoid large family gatherings go for small group and please be thankful that your baby has brothers and /or sisters and a Dad. I think my Mother might have done this to my sister years ago with my older daughter and I didnot reconize it as it was not happening to me? Maybe talk to your Mom about it? And Pray for wisdom on how to handle this and for your child to remain unaffected however it goes?
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Old 08-15-2010, 01:12 PM   #16
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Re: Anyone else feel like their kid is invisible to their family?

I have no advice for you but you have opened my eyes to these type of family isues.
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Old 08-15-2010, 01:53 PM   #17
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Re: Anyone else feel like their kid is invisible to their family?

my mom was the black sheep, cause she had to work 3 jobs to support her family I guess. So she has always been treated differently, and so were we, and now that myself and my cousins have kids. My cousins kids play together have parties that my kids arent invited too. So theres 9 greatgrandkids kids under 5, 3 of them are mine and there the only 3 left out of everything.
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Old 08-15-2010, 02:45 PM   #18
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Re: Anyone else feel like their kid is invisible to their family?

That does seem unusual. And sad. We don't have the exact same thing going on, but my ILs favor my oldest child because she looks like them (dark skin, dark hair, big eyes.) The other 3 kids look like me (far east Asian.) And my mom--she randomly picks one kid of mine to favor but it's different every time. Like she buys this special kind of candy from the Korean store and says it's for one of my kids. We don't see her that often so it's not a big deal.
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