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Old 09-07-2010, 06:35 PM   #1
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Tired of saying 'no...don't...stop...' and 'You'd better...'

Please tell me this is just a stage and my child isn't a total monster psychopath? She's 2.5 and honestly she flat our ignores me when I ask her to do something, or not do something. I'm trying so hard with discipline but it just doesn't seem to go in. Sigh...

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Old 09-07-2010, 06:51 PM   #2
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Re: Tired of saying 'no...don't...stop...' and 'You'd better...'

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Old 09-07-2010, 06:53 PM   #3
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Re: Tired of saying 'no...don't...stop...' and 'You'd better...'

I wish I could say it gets better, but for us, it has only gotten worse. She's 3.5 and I can't believe I ever thought 2.5 was hard!!! Today is a great example. Refused to eat breakfast, refused to play quietly while another child was napping, refused to eat lunch, then wanted MY lunch, refused to nap, refused to be quiet again when someone was napping, hit her brother 3 times, continually antagonizing the dog, won't put away toys when asked.... yea, today was a headache.

Some days I'm just barely holding onto sanity with dental floss. Other days, she's a total angel. But everyday I love her through it and I try really hard to be consistent. Just when I've reached the end of my rope and think I'm a complete failure as a parent, she has an amazing day and is perfectly polite and does everything I ask her to without a fight. The next day, well, she's usually back to the independence struggle.

My motto is "pick your battles". Seriously. If she wants to go to the store in her pajamas, I don't care. If she wants to watch one cartoon before she naps (and she will actually nap if I let her), then she can. If she wants me to rock her and sing to her every stinkin time I ask her to lay down, it's ok. I just try to let the little things go, and let her have those little pieces of independence and individuality, but try to be very consistent about the other things - you CANNOT hit your brother, you MUST put your toys away, etc. - and, those one-in-a-while-days when she is wonderfully obedient give me a ray of hope that somehow what I'm doing is working.

I find that one on one time with her helps. She has a little brother who sometimes requires more attention than she does, so when I see that she is dying for my attention, I make a concerted effort to put down whatever I am doing and play with her, tickle her, chase her around, read her a book, whatever. Just to show her she is still very important to me. Also every night before bed (as I rock her!) I tell her "You are so special to me." "I love you very much." and "You are very important to me." I think this helps to emphasize that even though sometimes mommy is very busy she is STILL (and always will be) very important and special in my life. I don't know if it helps b/c I've always done it, but I'd like to think, if nothing else, that it is positive reinforcement that I will always love her no matter what.

Wish I had better advice. Hang in there mama!!!!
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Old 09-07-2010, 07:38 PM   #4
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Re: Tired of saying 'no...don't...stop...' and 'You'd better...'

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Originally Posted by Kiliki View Post
I wish I could say it gets better, but for us, it has only gotten worse. She's 3.5 and I can't believe I ever thought 2.5 was hard!!! Today is a great example. Refused to eat breakfast, refused to play quietly while another child was napping, refused to eat lunch, then wanted MY lunch, refused to nap, refused to be quiet again when someone was napping, hit her brother 3 times, continually antagonizing the dog, won't put away toys when asked.... yea, today was a headache.
See, this is pretty much how every day is for us at the moment! She still does things to her sister who is now 7 months (like today was poking her in the eye, with me sitting right there calmly saying 'No, Lulu, we don't poke people, it isn't nice'... and then she did it a further 3 times until I had no choice but to put her in time out.) If the baby is sleeping and I say 'Please be quiet' she actually goes out of her way to yell as loudly as possible, more than she was before, and go into the baby's room. It just drives me nuts! it is completely intentional!
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Old 09-07-2010, 07:47 PM   #5
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Re: Tired of saying 'no...don't...stop...' and 'You'd better...'

we've found that instead of using no (and other forms of don't do that), if we say what you can do instead, we have much better luck (although, still, sometimes ds just doesn't listen - which i think is normal age-appropriate behavior, so I try not to get mad and just redirect and teach). So instead of "don't poke your sister in the eye" we would say "honey, ouch, we don't poke people. it can hurt them and make them sad. we don't want to hurt people. we hug and kiss our sister or touch nice, like this (with an example of a soft touch)." You get the picture. But yeah, I think the concept of no is hard at that age - I think redirection is the way to go.
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Old 09-07-2010, 08:26 PM   #6
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Re: Tired of saying 'no...don't...stop...' and 'You'd better...'

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we've found that instead of using no (and other forms of don't do that), if we say what you can do instead, we have much better luck (although, still, sometimes ds just doesn't listen - which i think is normal age-appropriate behavior, so I try not to get mad and just redirect and teach). So instead of "don't poke your sister in the eye" we would say "honey, ouch, we don't poke people. it can hurt them and make them sad. we don't want to hurt people. we hug and kiss our sister or touch nice, like this (with an example of a soft touch)." You get the picture. But yeah, I think the concept of no is hard at that age - I think redirection is the way to go.
I agree with this as I have actually learned here on DS. We say nearly exactly what you posted as the redirection and he will get it at first and give his sister a hug but then nearly a few minutes later he does the same thing and even follows her around to hurt her. It is like a constant battle. sigh
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Old 09-07-2010, 09:21 PM   #7
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Re: Tired of saying 'no...don't...stop...' and 'You'd better...'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiliki View Post
I wish I could say it gets better, but for us, it has only gotten worse. She's 3.5 and I can't believe I ever thought 2.5 was hard!!! Today is a great example. Refused to eat breakfast, refused to play quietly while another child was napping, refused to eat lunch, then wanted MY lunch, refused to nap, refused to be quiet again when someone was napping, hit her brother 3 times, continually antagonizing the dog, won't put away toys when asked.... yea, today was a headache.

Some days I'm just barely holding onto sanity with dental floss. Other days, she's a total angel. But everyday I love her through it and I try really hard to be consistent. Just when I've reached the end of my rope and think I'm a complete failure as a parent, she has an amazing day and is perfectly polite and does everything I ask her to without a fight. The next day, well, she's usually back to the independence struggle.

My motto is "pick your battles". Seriously. If she wants to go to the store in her pajamas, I don't care. If she wants to watch one cartoon before she naps (and she will actually nap if I let her), then she can. If she wants me to rock her and sing to her every stinkin time I ask her to lay down, it's ok. I just try to let the little things go, and let her have those little pieces of independence and individuality, but try to be very consistent about the other things - you CANNOT hit your brother, you MUST put your toys away, etc. - and, those one-in-a-while-days when she is wonderfully obedient give me a ray of hope that somehow what I'm doing is working.

I find that one on one time with her helps. She has a little brother who sometimes requires more attention than she does, so when I see that she is dying for my attention, I make a concerted effort to put down whatever I am doing and play with her, tickle her, chase her around, read her a book, whatever. Just to show her she is still very important to me. Also every night before bed (as I rock her!) I tell her "You are so special to me." "I love you very much." and "You are very important to me." I think this helps to emphasize that even though sometimes mommy is very busy she is STILL (and always will be) very important and special in my life. I don't know if it helps b/c I've always done it, but I'd like to think, if nothing else, that it is positive reinforcement that I will always love her no matter what.

Wish I had better advice. Hang in there mama!!!!
Did I write this about my 4 yr old son?!!! LOL, glad I'm so not alone. Struggle. He has meltdowns, some days worse than others. Frustrating! But he's a smart boy and I love his sweetness!

I too think that 4 is the hardest stage yet as far as him responding to me. The younger age is difficult too, but it's just different...My 22 month old can hold her own as well! Maybe this last one will be an angel all the time
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Old 09-08-2010, 05:51 AM   #8
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Re: Tired of saying 'no...don't...stop...' and 'You'd better...'

Explaining things to ds1 does not work for him. We have tried everything. SO we had to take a new approach.

It seems he only understood pain or hurt so bc we would never inflict physical harm on our child we decided to see if he understood consequences. Well he does.

He has certain toys which seems like he can not live without. We had explained to him that it is not his right to have these items but a gift or a reward. (we explained it to him in terms he understands) Well when he did behaviors we did not like, not listening, acting up, hurting ds2, we took the toys away from him and he was told he has to earn them back.

I know this may not be what is best for all parents but I have an angel. We still have our moments but it is less psychopath for us. It has been along time since we have had to take anything away. I am sure someone will talk about how I am creating a child who will only act a certain way to get what he wants but honestly my ds knows how to behave and he just needed something to give him that push.

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Old 09-08-2010, 07:27 AM   #9
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Re: Tired of saying 'no...don't...stop...' and 'You'd better...'

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Originally Posted by clb View Post
we've found that instead of using no (and other forms of don't do that), if we say what you can do instead, we have much better luck (although, still, sometimes ds just doesn't listen - which i think is normal age-appropriate behavior, so I try not to get mad and just redirect and teach). So instead of "don't poke your sister in the eye" we would say "honey, ouch, we don't poke people. it can hurt them and make them sad. we don't want to hurt people. we hug and kiss our sister or touch nice, like this (with an example of a soft touch)." You get the picture. But yeah, I think the concept of no is hard at that age - I think redirection is the way to go.
This is how they handle things at DS's nursery school, which he will start next week. It explained in the pamphlet that if they see a child running, instead of scolding and saying "no," the teacher will say "Please walk carefully." If that doesn't work, they will do redirection.

If that fails as well, then a short "time out" will ensue. It doesn't mean the child has to sit still for two minutes in the corner, it just means they are removed from the activity they are engaged in and spoken to nicely by the teacher. If they are of age, they will be told, "You know that running up the stairs is wrong. What should you do from now on?" This gives the child a chance to reflect on the proper behavior without being yelled at.

DH and I have been trying this with our toddler and it seems to be working much better than being told "no, don't, stop it."
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Old 09-08-2010, 09:01 AM   #10
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Re: Tired of saying 'no...don't...stop...' and 'You'd better...'

Some great thoughts here. I just wanted to add, don't forget to lighten up and have fun with your child so they can feel that unconditional love. I know it is really hard to show love towards them when they are doing things completely unlovable but I find that a majority of the acting up is from being tired, hungry, bored/unsupervised, or seeking attention. Being proactive about setting up a routine so you know none of these things are the case can help a lot. Giving choices helps a lot too. My almost 3 year old hates going to bed. Instead of mentioning anything about going to sleep, I ask her what books she wants me to read before bedtime. She picks books and heads to bed with her choices but if I just send her off to bed, she throws a huge fit. So a little bit of choices goes a long way. Another thing is that if she is really pushing every limit, I sit for awhile and hold her and we talk about how mommy loves her and needs her to follow the rules. We just talk in this case, no punishments or harsh voices. It allows both of us to calm down and me to remember how much I wanted kids and how much I love her no matter what. Just having this tiny reminder helps me see that somethings are not worth the battle as an PP said. Just savor those moments when she is cooperating and make a big deal of her doing right instead of only saying stuff when she is doing wrong. Try to find ways to encourage her to be a big girl and you can use fun stuff with you as a reward. My older loves to cook now so we use baking as a reward for good behavior. She loves to stir and show her masterpieces to Daddy later so this has been a great option for one on one time and something that makes her feel special. Hopefully some of these tips have helped!
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