In-Laws

[SchatziB]

My MIL is totally checked out from my existence and intentionally sends loud battery powered toys and huge plastic dolls that reek of fumes after asking for a detailed list of Chirstmas/Birthday presents because finding "No Battery, No Plastic" toys is just too hard. Otherwise we don't really register with her. In the end I know I'm getting off lucky!

[Salidwyn]

Originally Posted by juliabell So UGH. I wrote her an email explaining we are already planning one and she is welcome to help. Not what I originally wanted, but I kind of have to allow it at this point. I just don't get it. I think she's trying to be nice but it feels like a weird passive agressive thing. This family is kind of like that. We haven't really even broached the topics of circumcision, vaccinations, cloth diaper, waldorf school, etc. Well, sort of, I did mention to MIL and SIL that I haven't gotten the flu vaccine and they kind of freaked out at me. It was uncomfortable because I'm not good at explaining things when I'm being attacked. I do know that the more I have to defend myself the more I lean towards just saying - you know what, this is my child so whatever your opinion is can f*** off. Please tell me everyone else's in-laws drives them nuts too!

For the shower, we're having two but my family lives in Michigan while DH's family all lives out here in PA. There were almost some issues with the Michigan shower but I'm kind of staying out of it and letting them figure it out. My best friend threw my wedding shower, which turned out fantastic but I think a lot of my family didn't come because they didn't really know who was throwing it. With the baby shower, I really wanted my aunt to be a little more involved this time, so I told my BFF that her and my aunt could work together on it. My dad's girlfriend (who is a total sweetheart and I have absolutely no complaints about at all) also wanted to "help" (she's a do everything before you can even blink type of person) and has since really taken over the baby shower project. BFF is not really thrilled about this though I don't think my aunt really cares since she's been swamped with work and her three kids. I'm leaving it completely up to them though. I gave them a date and some general theme ideas (more colors... we like green) and am letting them all have free reign.

As for the bolded part... if you want my advice, considering what I've already heard of your in-laws... I wouldn't mention any of it at all. Honestly. Most people just don't get the idea of not vaxing and those are the people that come up with the loudest protests of why you're being reckless, careless, stupid, etc. It's ok for people to have an opinion and, if shared, to share it constructively. That hasn't been my experience with most people off these boards. I wouldn't mention circ at all either, but that might depend on the area you live in. DH stupidly (I was furious at him) mentioned that I was thinking about not circing if this was a boy while we were out at lunch with his best friend... I could have killed him, not so much because of the best friend's confused and negative reaction, but because we hadn't even talked about it between the two of us yet. Since that incident, I haven't said a word about it to anyone other than my OB, since she asked very objectively. We're just not going to say anything and not have it done (or if you're wanting it done, having it done) since people can't really say much after the baby is born without being extremely offensive. Not that it will stop them, but it might help?

Either way, my tactic has been to keep my mouth totally and completely shut and never volunteer anything. If they really press and they seem genuinely curious and like they want to know where I'm coming from, I'll explain. If it's anyone else, I'll evade a direct answer ("We don't really have any names picked out yet" "We haven't really decided yet" "We're still considering things")

I do love my ILs and I got pretty lucky. I love my MIL since she's very easy to talk to and while there are some things she doesn't understand, she doesn't judge me for not understanding but will ask questions if she wants to know and leave it be if she doesn't. My FIL would go along with pretty much anything since he's a very go-with-the-flow type of person.

My SIL, while I still love her dearly, is a lot more judgemental. We got into talking about baby stuff while we were visiting a few weeks ago and I was going to show her something, but couldn't think of exactly what it was called to search for on BRU, so I just had her go to my registry. Needless to say... I felt like she was critiquing every item I had on there, while I stood uncomfortably by her. "Why are you guys doing a mini crib instead of a full size crib?" Because we're planning on having the baby in our room and a queen sized bed, dressers, and a full sized crib are going to be tight, plus it converts to a twin bed later, which fits a lot of places better than a full. "Hmm...." "You need to put an electric pump on here. You'll NEED an electric pump for breastfeeding, especially if you're engorged" I'm staying at home so I can just use a manual pump or hand expression if it gets that bad so I don't really need to get an electric pump. "Oh trust me, you'll NEED one. The manual ones don't work well at all." Um, sure, I think we'll be ok....

Sorry, didn't meant to turn around and rant as well!! I guess that's what family is for! Remember, when all else fails, the smile and nod technique goes a LONG WAY!

"If you're going to be nursing, you'll NEED to use bottles."

[MomToMyMonkeys]

I actually prefer my MIL to my mother most of the time. My family is very "you only have 2 kids, you must vax, cloth is icky, all illnesses need meds, etc". While my MIL has 8 kids, uses holistic meds, and doesn't let my kids watch tv while they are at her house . My only issue with MIL is that she's not great about carseats.

[tamarak]

I can somewhat relate. We live in the same house as my inlaws, and it is very trying at times, especially when we disagree. When I first found out I was pregnant she asked if I would circumsize my baby if I had a boy and i said probably not (this is prior to the research I have done and have since decided against it). Well it was like WW3! She went up one side and down the other. She thinks she knows best about EVERYTHING and is drives me crazy. Thankfully my parents are the opposite, they give me their opinion but in the end are supportive of whatever decision I make for MY child. Not to mention with how much things have changed since she had kids, not everything that was done then is good now. She's a control freak to say the least and I just grin and bear it and try not to let it get to me. I would give anything for my boyfriend to agree to getting our own place so I have to deal with her so much!!

[juliabell]

Wow you guys are all lucky who got such good in-laws! I really shouldn't complain too much, they could be a lot worse. It's just a difference from my family who knows how opinionated, intelligent and independent I am and every since they learned that they go right along with my decisions because they trust me.

Andrea - I am with you on the trying not to mention things. The problem is my SIL comes right out with the questions - "Are you going to circumcise him?" And she isn't looking for an answer, she's looking for something she can judge. It's really difficult and she's so in your face about it. Kind of like what you mentioned about the registry. And then she'll preface something with "not to give unwanted advice" and then she goes on to give me just that! Ack.

It will get easier to deal with I am sure. But I think you're right in just not mentioning anything until they ask. And then try and evade as much as possible!

[Salidwyn]

Originally Posted by juliabell Wow you guys are all lucky who got such good in-laws! I really shouldn't complain too much, they could be a lot worse. It's just a difference from my family who knows how opinionated, intelligent and independent I am and every since they learned that they go right along with my decisions because they trust me. Andrea - I am with you on the trying not to mention things. The problem is my SIL comes right out with the questions - "Are you going to circumcise him?" And she isn't looking for an answer, she's looking for something she can judge. It's really difficult and she's so in your face about it. Kind of like what you mentioned about the registry. And then she'll preface something with "not to give unwanted advice" and then she goes on to give me just that! Ack. It will get easier to deal with I am sure. But I think you're right in just not mentioning anything until they ask. And then try and evade as much as possible!

Repeat after me: "We haven't decided yet." *smile and nod*
Thankfully, no one's asked anything direct (other than the circumcision thing that DH brought up, which backed me into a corner and I HAD to say SOMETHING) that I've had to answer if I haven't wanted to. And honestly, if she still insists on giving you unwanted advice... there's the whole in one ear and out the other. I know that's not as easy right now but she can give all of the "advice" she wants, it doesn't mean you have to take or follow any of it though. One thing I will suggest (just to give you MY unwanted advice ) is to keep your in-laws away from your birth. That's YOUR time and a time when you really don't need any advice from them at all, you just need to do your own thing. It might even be extremely helpful if you just didn't allow any visitors in the hospital at all and didn't start taking visitors until you're home and feeling up to it. It sounds like your in-laws can be very stressful to be around, which is NOT AT ALL what you need when laboring, giving birth, and bonding with your little one.