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Old 02-14-2011, 03:50 PM   #111
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Re: No idea how far along I am (UPDATE in OP)

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mama...i'm so sorry

I went through this too for 2 years...I already had a beautiful son ... had no problems getting pregnant with him...

and then bammm harder time getting pregnant and then staying pregnant.

come on body I now you can do it...you've done it before!
It took me 10 years to have DS... I can't wait another 10 years for another baby

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Old 02-14-2011, 07:59 PM   #112
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Re: No idea how far along I am (UPDATE in OP)

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I am having an awful day. I've had 3 trips to the ER, with no resolution (and one severe allergic reaction... yay heart attack...). I'm cramping and bleeding, but not enough to be considered having a 'progressive' miscarriage. I have an appointment to see my OB tomorrow, and I don't want to go. Why can't they just schedule the surgery and get it over with? Why do I have to come in?... so the OB can gloat about being right? I totally don't need that right now. Just schedule my surgery, give me my lab slip, and I'll sign the release papers when I get to the hospital. I'm SO done with this. There will be no baby...just clean me out and let me go on my merry way.

Work is stressing me out completely, and I just found out that 4 of my relatives on DH's side will be coming to visit at the same time! What is wrong with people? I don't want to deal with 4 more people in my living space... I don't want to have to cook for eight people for four days... I don't even want to get up in the morning anymore, but I do. I get up every day and zombie my way along in order to keep the peace when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

I'm at the end of my rope. I live with 2 males that have no idea what I'm going through and seem to think that that makes it okay to ignore it like nothing is wrong. I look at my son and it makes me want to cry. I love him so much...he's so perfect and wonderful and every day it kills me more and more that I can't make a sibling for him. I'm angry at my body for killing my babies and I'm angry at my life which won't give me any time to process what's going on.

I am an admitted alcoholic, and even though I have been doing great at avoiding it for 2+ years, everyday I find it harder and harder to find reasons not to drown myself in a bottle of Captain Morgan. Sipping Martinelli's out of a wine glass just isn't doing it anymore. I feel angry all of the time that life just keeps on going and I can't have time to grieve because things need to be done and I am the only one that can do them (at least if I want them done right).

Most of me just wants to let go, but I know if I do, I may never come back from it.

I just want my baby... just one more... why?... why can't I have my baby?

There are plenty of crack whores, and mean, horrible people having babies all over the place... what is so wrong with me that I can't have one more? What have I done, in this life or another, that justifies this torture?

I wish someone had an answer.
Oh mama I don't have the words... I'm so sorry.
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Old 02-14-2011, 08:19 PM   #113
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Re: No idea how far along I am (UPDATE in OP)

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If anything he's relieved and that is something I don't want to hear. I think he only agreed to one more because DS and I want it so badly. When we thought we were having another, he was moody and horribly all of the time. As soon as the doc said my pregnancy wasn't viable, he perked right up.

I can't talk to him about this because he's ignorant and he doesn't care about how I feel except in how it effects his life. As long as I go to work, make dinner, listen to him whine about school, and put DS to bed, DH could care less.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
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Old 02-14-2011, 08:36 PM   #114
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Re: No idea how far along I am (UPDATE in OP)

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Soo sorry for your loss and the way you are feeling.

Do not...do not..pick up the bottle. You've dealt with this so far, you can continue and carry on. Talk to your dh...maybe he is hurting too, but feels like he has no right...perhaps y'all can grieve together.
I am so sorry for everything you are having to deal with Mama. I can't imagine all of the stress.

I agree with above though. Don't pick up the bottle. You have come so far. And I'd talk to your DH as well. I thought my DH didn't give a darn about our losses and when I finally talked to him about it, I realized how much he had been hurting (just hiding it). So I'd definitely talk to him.

ETA: Nevermind. I just went and finished reading the posts and saw what you said about your DH. I'm sorry you don't have his support through all of this. What about a close friend? Is there anyone you might be able to lean on?
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Old 02-14-2011, 08:48 PM   #115
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Re: No idea how far along I am (UPDATE in 107)

Oh my goodness Mama! I am so sorry that you're going through so much right now!
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Old 02-15-2011, 07:29 AM   #116
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Re: No idea how far along I am (UPDATE in 107)

I came home from work yesterday and DH had gone out to Edible Arrangements and bought me a bouquet of chocolate covered strawberries. I can't even imagine how much that cost, and how much it must have pained him to pay for it LOL. It was a nice surprise, to say the least.

I ended up giving him a massage before bed, since I hadn't actually gotten anything for him. We don't normally celebrate Valentine's Day, and with the way things have been going lately, I didn't even bother. When I told DH I felt bad for not getting him anything, he said "First of all, I hate Valentine's Day. Secondly, I honestly wouldn't buy me anything either. I'm thankful enough when I wake up in the morning and you and the baby are still here."

After having such a crappy day, week, month, new year... it was nice to end a day on a good note.
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Old 02-19-2011, 10:39 PM   #117
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Re: No idea how far along I am (UPDATE in 107)

Final UPDATE in OP
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Old 02-19-2011, 10:41 PM   #118
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Re: No idea how far along I am (UPDATE in 107)



hang in there mama

BTDT and it is horrible, you feel like no one understands or cares...but they do, they just dont know how to show it.

Give your little bud an extra tight hug
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