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Old 05-16-2011, 06:40 PM   #1
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Unhappy Could this be PPD?

hey moms,

i am a new mom - my DD is just 3 1/2 weeks - and i'm brand new to breastfeeding. its been a rough road so far but i'm sticking to it because i really want to be able to successfully breastfeed her - i know its healthiest plus i am at home with her so its cheaper and easier.

but i'm majorly struggling with her in general, including the breastfeeding - even when she is not being difficult during nursing (which is often). i've been wondering if i have ppd and now i'm starting to think so more and more. i hate to even admit some of these things but i know i need to get help if that's what it is. i have my 4 week follow up thursday of this week so my husband and i are going to talk to my ob about it, but i want to know if any of you have experienced anything like this. is it ppd? is it just being overwhelmed with a first child?

as soon as she was born, i didn't have that overwhelming sensation it seems like you are supposed to get of love and joy. she was screaming and crying and i felt scared of her. when they gave my husband and i an hour with her to nurse and bond with her, i cried because i didn't want to hold her. i had a fairly easy delivery but ended up with an episiotomy. however, within 24 hours of going home, i was in the ER with a severe bladder infection. the 1st week home sucked in a major way after having that experience. it really shook me up - my fever was 102 and the nurses were whispering about hemmoraging and anneurisms as they were hooking me up to the IV and such in the ER room.

its almost week 4 now and i am still struggling to feel bonded with her. some parts of day are better than others but at least once a day i have major mood swing meltdowns where i literally want to hurt her because she's screaming and pushing and kicking me and i don't know what to do. i have gotten so mad at her during breastfeeding that i have screamed at her, stuck her hand in her mouth, pushed her face into my breast when she would try to pull back - i know, i hate even admitting these things. i immediately feel horrible but i struggle to console her. i just look at her when shes screaming and my nerves go through the roof. i just want someone else to take her away from me. i'm literally scared that i will hurt her sometimes.

also, i cannot sleep. no matter how tired i am. and she is actually sleeping for 3 and 4 hour stretches at night. every night i wake up constantly looking for her in the bed - she doesn't sleep with us, she's in her nursery. i expect her to be crying and then i get really worried that she's in the bed and i'm going to roll over on her. i feel crazy.

any advice or sharing of personal experiences are welcome.

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Old 05-16-2011, 06:48 PM   #2
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Oh mama, good for you for looking for help. Don't wait until Thursday. Call your doctor tomorrow. Also formula won't hurt her. Nursing is wonderful if you can but don't feel bad about using a bottle even if it's just to give yourself a break. Crying won't hurt her either. If you feel like you might really just put her down in her crib and walk away. Take care of yourself so you can take care of her.
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:52 PM   #3
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Re: Could this be PPD?

It sounds like it could be Postpartum, glad you are talking about it with your husband and your doctor soon. I had it with my first as well, so I know it is a terrible feeling.
Having a new baby is overwhelming, and in a way I think the first was the hardest. You will bond with her over time, then if you have another baby you may feel a closer bond to him or her right at first (than you did the first time) because you will understand more how much you are going to love them in the future from the experience that you already have with the first.
As for the nursing, it can be very challenging in the beginning, in fact, I could never make a go with my first. I suggest seeing a lactation consultant if at all possible.

Good luck!
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:54 PM   #4
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Re: Could this be PPD?

Call your doctor now if they are still open or in the am asap!!! Ppd is a very real and scary thing. HUGS mama! Can your dh take a couple of days off and help?
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Old 05-16-2011, 07:24 PM   #5
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Re: Could this be PPD?

mama! I am so sorry you are having a hard time! First babies can be so rough! I have a couple suggestions that might help. The first would be spending time skin to skin, her in just a diaper and you with nothing on top. Being skin to skin not only helps bond you but it also makes babies better breastfeeders. The second suggestion is to get a baby carrier such as a moby wrap and wear your DD. It has been proven that babies that are worn actually cry less. There is also a way you can wrap the baby (kangaroo wrap) where they are skin to skin! Third, just like the pp said, if you have those thoughts of wanting to hurt the baby just set her down and walk away till you can calm yourself down. Definitely see your doc and let them know what you have been feeling so they can evaluate you for ppd. And fourth, if it is the breastfeeding that is the main problem, get a pump and pump and feed her in those times where she is giving you the most trouble. I don't recommend stopping nursing because it can actually cause increased depression. Also, FYI, I did NOT have "love at first sight" with my first DD. It took several months before I really started to fall in love with her. I never expected that but that is what happened and now I am head over heels for her! Lots and lots of to you!!!!
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Old 05-16-2011, 07:46 PM   #6
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Re: Could this be PPD?

Aw, hugs! I struggled so much with PPD. I waited too long to get help and then didn't get the right help. I never fully healed until I moved and got a new dr. I finally got the support and medication that I needed. I fought not taking the meds for so long and they made all the difference in the world. I had a much, much better birth and recovery experience with my 2nd than my first.

When I finally hit rock bottom, a friend got me an appointment here
http://www.counselingchristians.com/
I did telephone counseling.
She usually has a few extra opening everyday.

You are a good mom. If you weren't you wouldn't care. You are worth the time and money to get better and it is so wonderful that your dh supports you. It's hard on them too because they can't understand what we are going through. If you need someone to talk to, my email is photocowgirl@hotmail.com

It will get better.

Last edited by photocowgirl; 05-16-2011 at 07:49 PM.
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Old 05-16-2011, 08:53 PM   #7
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Re: Could this be PPD?

Quote:
Originally Posted by majors3 View Post
mama! I am so sorry you are having a hard time! First babies can be so rough! I have a couple suggestions that might help. The first would be spending time skin to skin, her in just a diaper and you with nothing on top. Being skin to skin not only helps bond you but it also makes babies better breastfeeders. The second suggestion is to get a baby carrier such as a moby wrap and wear your DD. It has been proven that babies that are worn actually cry less. There is also a way you can wrap the baby (kangaroo wrap) where they are skin to skin! Third, just like the pp said, if you have those thoughts of wanting to hurt the baby just set her down and walk away till you can calm yourself down. Definitely see your doc and let them know what you have been feeling so they can evaluate you for ppd. And fourth, if it is the breastfeeding that is the main problem, get a pump and pump and feed her in those times where she is giving you the most trouble. I don't recommend stopping nursing because it can actually cause increased depression. Also, FYI, I did NOT have "love at first sight" with my first DD. It took several months before I really started to fall in love with her. I never expected that but that is what happened and now I am head over heels for her! Lots and lots of to you!!!!
This exactly. And if you end up taking meds for PPD, it's NOT a failure on your part to handle parenting. It's a physical condition caused by hormonal and brain chemical imbalances. Zoloft is perfectly safe for BFing--I'm on 2.5 years of nursing DD and due in June with #2 and have been on it the entire time. Many many many to you!
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:05 PM   #8
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Re: Could this be PPD?

Hey mama, I found the adjustment to parenting my first baby very difficult because life completely changes. But you will grow accustomed to your new life and you will have lots of wonderful days with your DD--far more good hours and days than bad, I think.

Also, bonding didn't happen right away with either of my babies, either. I think in a lot of ways, you have to build a relationship with them, like you do with a new friend or when you first met your partner. Most of us don't fall in love at first sight--we have to get to know each other. It's a process, so allow yourself a little time to let that happen.

I hope you can get some help and start to feel better.
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:21 PM   #9
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Re: Could this be PPD?

There was no love at first sight for me and my first born either. Call your doctor, you are doing the right thing asking for help. Also if you don't already have one get a swing, one of the big ones like this If you feel like you can't take the crying, strap her into the swing, close the door and give yourself a time out.
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Old 05-17-2011, 07:02 AM   #10
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Re: Could this be PPD?

How you doing momma? I've been thinking about you and praying for ya -take care
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