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Old 10-28-2010, 09:51 AM   #11
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

Thanks everyone. As soon as I got home from work he knew something was wrong and we talked about it. He apologized a lot. I think he is happy with what I do around the house, but just a little overwhelmed with how much he has to do each day. He spends so much time with DD and right now she is going through the terrible 2's tantrums, which is hard on him as I'm sure we can all relate to. I will try harder around the house even though he says I don't need to. I think the "being the breadwinner" thing plays a part too. DH has said that he would choose staying home with DD over working any day. He has a 23-year-old son that was born when DH was 15 and unfortunately he didn't get to have much time with him in his early years and he is thankful that he can have those times with DD. But despite that, he is definitely the kind of guy whose self-worth is wrapped up in providing. It is a struggle to balance what he wants and what he feels he should be. I try to keep that in mind.

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Maybe he is feeling the exact way you are, underappreciated and overworked. I just noticed you in another thread say that you two have never been apart from your daughter for a date, etc. so maybe it is time to figure out a way to spend time just the two of you and reconnect. I know babysitters and that kind of thing get really tricky and can be scary but at some point, you both need time together instead of it just being family or alone time. It would give you both a chance to feel like you are being heard, attended to, feel special as a person and not just a parent/provider. Just something to think about.
I agree. And oh how I wish he would go for that. He was abused rather severely as a child and as a result does not trust DD with anyone, including his own mother. He has told me many times that he will not leave her with anyone until she is old enough to tell him if someone harmed her while we were gone. I kid you not, he says he might consider letting someone watch her when she is about 6 or 7 years old. But not before then. He absolutely refuses to budge on that one.

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Ditto to everything that PP said. Being a SAHD is a lot more difficult than being a SAHM -moms usually can go find other supportive SAHM (mother's group etc), less so for SAHD. There's also the ego thing; prehaps he secretly wants to be the breadwinner and feels that he is less of a man because you are the one with the better paying gig. There is society's views and prejudices that SAHD have to deal with. How many Daddy and Me play date do you know of? Women in geneal are also much more willing to ask for help (or direction). I think he needs a SAHD support system - try to find him something online, a space where other SAHD understands what he is dealing with.
I am certain DD loves you. Afterall you are her one and only mom - nothing will change that. All children need their mommy - WOHM or SAHM - mommy is mommy.
This is definitely true. And he isn't the most social guy either. He goes to the playground twice a day usually and the same moms are there everyday. He talks to a couple of them, but most of them just aren't that social with him. My good friend had a baby about 2 months after DD was born and her and DH used to go on 2 or 3 walks a day together during the day. I really think it helped so much to have someone else to talk to. Sadly she had to move across the country and he hasn't had someone to hang out with during the day since. I signed him up for a playgroup which does all sorts of fun activities, but like you said, a group full of moms just isn't quite the same. And the SAHD group I've found here is completely inactive. It really is a whole different experience in some ways to be a SAHD. Things I never would have thought about. Like at many of the parks and other kid places DH takes DD, the changing stations are only in the women's bathrooms. More than once DH has had to ask a woman to please check if there is a changing station in the women's bathroom. If there is, he uses it if he has to. So often there aren't any in the men's bathroom. Amazing in this day and age. I wish there was more for him, although I'm not sure he would go. I seriously get so excited when he tells me that him and a mom had a long talk at the park that day. I think he needs someone to talk with. Another dad would be great, but even a mom is a great person to chat with. There are a few parents he has chatted with at the park, and I hope that continues.

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Old 10-28-2010, 11:55 AM   #12
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

maybe someone he trusts can come over and entertain her in one part of the house so the two of you could at least have a quiet dinner together? You would still be there. Or take her over to someone's house and do the same situation over there even if it is just you two sitting in the back yard talking while the little one plays with grandma inside. Just throwing out ideas. I'm sorry he has been thru so much as a child and hope you can work something out. Have you thought about a nanny cam? Let the babysitter know that they have to stay in the one part of the house, will be filmed and reviewed later? Even if it is just grandma and kid being filmed?
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Old 10-28-2010, 12:31 PM   #13
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

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maybe someone he trusts can come over and entertain her in one part of the house so the two of you could at least have a quiet dinner together? You would still be there. Or take her over to someone's house and do the same situation over there even if it is just you two sitting in the back yard talking while the little one plays with grandma inside. Just throwing out ideas. I'm sorry he has been thru so much as a child and hope you can work something out. Have you thought about a nanny cam? Let the babysitter know that they have to stay in the one part of the house, will be filmed and reviewed later? Even if it is just grandma and kid being filmed?
The nanny cam would still not be enough for him. Perhaps he will ease up in a year or two. But the first two suggestions are definite possibilities. Thanks for that. I will definitely mention it.
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:06 PM   #14
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

Here's a couple of online site with SAHD blogs and forums for DH. I understand that another live being is best, but in lieu of that there's the internet where he can virtually connect with other SAHDs.

http://www.dadstayshome.com/

http://www.greatdad.com/tertiary/22/...t-mawdahs.html

http://athomedad.org/

If DH is determined not to leave DD in someone else's care then do more family activities. When DD falls asleep at night the 2 of you can get your "date night" in - a good movie, some food, wine, kick back and relax at home. Better yet, if you can afford to do that in a hotel/resort; have a family weekend out. Daytime is for family and nights are for the 2 of you. Order in room service, splur a little and then write him a romantic poem/ or have Hallmark write it in a card. Just getting away from regular daily routine helps. :-)
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Old 06-01-2011, 08:49 PM   #15
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

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The nanny cam would still not be enough for him. Perhaps he will ease up in a year or two. But the first two suggestions are definite possibilities. Thanks for that. I will definitely mention it.
Maybe you can get a sitter to bring with you somewhere like a pizza place or minigolf or a park (pack 2 picnics) so sitter and DD can sit where he can still see them but you can have alone time to talk and have fun.
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:21 AM   #16
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Ok I know it's not really the same but I bf and am a single mom. I've started to look for work and I found a young teen baby sitter who would just go with me and watch Gwen while I apply and do my stuff. Well my ex-h and I had to meetup and talk so I had the babysitter come with us and play/watch Gwen at another table, we bought her food too. We ate mcdonalds but we still talked and ate solo. So maybe have a fast-food date? I did it bc I don't want us fighting in front of her
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Old 06-15-2011, 10:32 PM   #17
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

Reguardless of if he has bad mornings or not, and even if it is hard for him to be a SAHD, he needs to be thankful and greatful for what you are doing. I feel bad that DH works all day, and I can't. I have been trying to find a job for a while. I do my best to get the house clean, make dinner, and let him enjoy his evening with DS. I have to realize that his hard work is what is keeping us going. Without it, we would be lost. He is working while I get to spend time with DS, and I know that it can seem unfair. You shouldn't have to remind him of what you go through, he should know. But men are weird like that. I think you should talk to him about it. Men sometimes don't understand they are hurting our feelings, and he probably doesn't know how you feel about it. I'm sure it could help. Talking to DH always helps us, because he's clueless when it comes to that kind of stuff.
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Old 06-16-2011, 12:45 PM   #18
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Re: Feeling Really Unappreciated

Doesn't address the other issues, but I can sympathize with the not-a-morning-person problem. My eyes are open before I can get my legs to work, and I have been kown to pass out if I try to get upright too fast. (bad circulation) My brain kicks in at a distant third to all other systems I am afraid.

Many years ago, my husband, a cheerful morning-addict discovered that if he poked me awake, left a cup of coffee on the bedside table, and then came back five minutes later, I was ten times more civil and functional. Now that we have a toddler, I'm especially grateful for this small mercy. I have the best husband.
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