Missing his twin (mc mentioned)

[momma4of6]

I knew only days after we concieved that I was pregnant. My body was even telling me before the test came up possitive. I should have guest it was twins.

I didnt know I was pregnant with twins until I started to miscarry. I didnt know how to feel, when I found out (when I went in, the dr did say "you are miscarrying..but there is a second one" was I to feel happy, sad...It was a confusing day for me) but we were all focused on the second baby. That I never really got to grieve the one I loss. I had a physically HORRIBLE miscarriage, I had to go back to the hospital because of very heavy bleeding twice. The dr keep telling me "we will see, about the second baby, I cant tell you more then that because we dont know" I continued to bleed almost non stop for the next 12 weeks. Every single day I worried that it would be the day I would lose the second baby. I count grieve over the first, as I was still trying so hard to save the second (as much as I could do anyway). I had aprox a week between the bleeding and my water breaking at just under 20 weeks Just time enough to start feeling possitive about the second baby
Once my water broke I had to fight with the dr to stay pregnant, and make promises to my husband becuase even he thought I should induce. I ended up (surprisingly) finding my only support here..Everyday for the next 9 weeks, I had the thought of My second baby not making it, and even of me getting sick because of the PROM. Then of course you all know what its like to have a NICU baby. Those first few days we didnt know if he would make it, I had to look to the future and see the possitive, and talk about the possitive. I knew that anything could happen. But we took it one day at a time. Once he got home,it was weekly dr apts, specilist etc... No time to worry about the baby I did loose, . But in the NICU I saw many twins. Many that stayed a short time and went home, My heart ached each time, and I missed mine. Then I see pregancy forums and the complaints about their twin pregnancy, and it aches my heart... I miss the baby I never saw....The twin was never acknowledged by anyone but me, still now the twin is never mentioned...I think about that baby often..I wonder if she was a girl, I wonder how my little boy will feel as he grows...(ive heard twins who lose one will always have a sence of missing them)....I miss my baby, even tho I never knew her/him. I missed the grieving, and thats hard too....We are done having kids. and I have had many miscarrages...But this one was so different, The mc is what stressed my body and the reason for PROM. But even after all this, I still ended up with a baby to love and to hold. I just wish I could have held her/him too..and it aches at times, maybe even at times more then my other miscarriages.
Just needed to share

Its been a year and a half since my mc...and my boy will be a year next month..

Anyone else experience anything similar?

[Almacham]

This has never happened to me but happened to my cousin. She lost the twin early on. I sat with her for long hours while we talked about it... I did everything I could to try and help her get through and she felt much of what you're feeling now.

It's ok to cry and grieve for your lost baby. It doesn't matter how far along you were. Do you have anyone to share your sadness with, to talk to openly about this? I bought my cousin a journal to write things down in and she wrote a letter to the lost baby and said it helped her so much. Maybe you could get a journal too?

I'm sorry you went through this, and thankful your other baby made it through fine.

[howmanykids]

[ChocolateMoose]

My last pregnancy was somewhat similar.

I suspected immediately that it was either twins or something was wrong, but at 10 weeks there was only one heartbeat. Then at 15 weeks (2 years ago this month!) I passed a whole amniotic sac...even with a cord stump attached! A trip to the ER showed a healthy baby, so my OB finally accepted that it was twins.

I had minimal bleeding and was able to carry the other twin to term, but she kicked through the amniotic sac at 39 weeks and had her foot almost out of the birth canal before they were able to get her out by c/s. Her first Apgar was a 4 and she spent 24hrs in the NICU.

Comparitively, my experience was much less intense then yours...but I still spent the whole pregnancy "waiting for the other shoe to drop". DH has even told me that he hated the pregnancy because he felt guilty being excited about a baby I wouldn't let myself get too attached to.

Because of the stress for the second baby, I never really processed the loss of the first. It wasn't until a few months after the birth that I really started thinking about how there should have been a second baby growing up with this one.

No one else even remembers that she was a twin. Maybe because we didn't announce twins and then lose one...we announced one and still had one...so everyone just acts like we should just be glad for this one.

But, I've noticed that people can be that way about singleton miscarriages as well. I think if you haven't lost a baby, it's hard to imagine how much of a loss it really is. All those hopes and plans you make...suddenly gone. And to have a single twin is to have a living (although much loved and appreciated) reminder of the baby you lost!

[Ten]

Originally Posted by ChocolateMoose But, I've noticed that people can be that way about singleton miscarriages as well. I think if you haven't lost a baby, it's hard to imagine how much of a loss it really is. All those hopes and plans you make...suddenly gone. And to have a single twin is to have a living (although much loved and appreciated) reminder of the baby you lost!

People don't want to talk about it. They don't want to think about it. I imagine it's even easier for others to ignore a missing twin when there's a living baby. I'm so sorry for your loss. I found journal writing helped me a lot after our daughter left us a month and a half before our due date. I hope you can find something that brings you peace.

[percussionsmith]

Peace to you.

[Aleta]

My mom went through this with my brother - about 16 weeks started bleeding horribly (before ultrasounds) and bled all throughout. They could find a heartbeat so they didn't know why she was bleeding. My bro came right on time though, it wasn't until she thought she was passing the placenta and a 'mass' came out (sac and tissue). And I remember my brother had tumors on his one side where he absorbed some of the cells, but once removed they never came back.

I cannot even imagine how you must feel with such a difficult pregnancy, loss, and excitement at the same time. I do know that I've asked my brother when he was older if he ever felt like he was missing something because of his twin, and he said no. So I wouldn't worry about that aspect as the twin was miscarried and not died later in life, KWIM? I'm not saying it makes it any easier, I just wouldn't focus on it and stress over something you can't help. And I know how you feel about not even being acknowledged, if I wasn't old enough to sort of understand when my bro was born, I probably would have never known, but my mom is one of those people who doesn't think of him as a twin either!

[mibarra]

We lost my oldest daughters identical twin at 31 weeks, and had an emergency c section to save my daughter. She spent 6 weeks in the NICU. She's 2.5 now and some days I still miss my other baby soooooo much I could just die. You'll always miss your baby, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I know I'll never truly get over losing mine ....

[kocho]

((HUGS)) Mama. My SIL miscarried a twin. She went through similar feelings I know. I think as the family member (not the parents) it's hard to mention it because you don't want to bring up sad feelings for the parents. But I also don't want my SIL to think we forgot about our lost niece/nephew. When she brings it up I talk about it with her. I just don't feel comfortable bringing it up on my own. I know she mentioned it to her MIL in anger once. Her MIL had no idea she'd lost a twin and made one of those jokes about how the baby was as busy as two. It didn't go over well with my SIL, naturally. I felt bad for them both.