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Old 10-16-2011, 08:39 PM   #31
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Re: TTC while Breastfeeding Grads! ~Month of October~

Thinking of you Marie. My heart fills with sadness when I see you and Deagan. I can just see all the love you have for him. My heart also fills with love to know that your children have a mom that loves them so perfectly. <3

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Old 10-18-2011, 02:20 AM   #32
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Re: TTC while Breastfeeding Grads! ~Month of October~

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Originally Posted by Harmony96 View Post
Marie, I added Deagan to the header at the bottom.
Thank you.

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I too continue to be at a loss for words, but with a heart full of love and sadness for you and your family Marie. I had a dream about you and your little Deagan the other night. I know you and your ds and your DH are all coping and grieving together and are doing so with so much grace. You are in my thoughts. May a peace be with you. I wish I could do more. ..
I've heard "with grace" to describe how we're coping a few times now. It amuses me because all I want to do is lay on the floor kicking and screaming and having a huge toddler fit and screaming "I DONT WANNA." That's not so graceful, is it? Haha. Sometimes being a grown up sucks.

Grownups have to plan funerals and pick out funeral dresses.
Trying on clothes and deciding what to wear was insanely painful today.
When the cashier said "well, that's a pretty dress!" at checkout I wanted to say "yeah, I'm sure I'll look great in it at my kid's funeral" I want to be sarcastic and angry and cruel, but keep (barely) remembering to bite down on my lip and swallow the words and return those polite words.

Although, the guy who asked "How are you today?" was a little shocked when I answered him truthfully in a moment of self-pity today. Everytime someone asks me that to start small-talk, I just quietly say "Its been a very difficult week" and they say "Well, I'm sure it will get better" or some other trite phrase and I just want to scream "NO! It wont! Somethings don't get better, you just get better at coping with them!"

See, not so graceful. I'm really very awkward and blunt in general and the grief makes me sharp. But I'm glad people think I'm strong. I guess that means I'm pretty calm on the surface. I can deal with that for now until the inside matches the outside.
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Old 10-18-2011, 02:24 AM   #33
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Re: TTC while Breastfeeding Grads! ~Month of October~

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Thinking of you Marie. My heart fills with sadness when I see you and Deagan. I can just see all the love you have for him. My heart also fills with love to know that your children have a mom that loves them so perfectly. <3
I can't imagine loving my boys more than I do. Every single day there is at least one moment when my chest literally HURTS with love for my son. For 2.5 years now I have literally felt physical pain because of the strength of my love for that little boy. And now, even as I grieve for Deagan, I know that I will always have an ache in my heart because my heart couldn't stretch big enough to hold all the love I have for my tiny little baby boy. I truly cannot imagine loving either one of them even one tiny bit more, although I now I will because every day I love them both just a little more than the day before because every day they teach me a new way to love them---one as he jumps into my arms and the other as he watches over me.
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:09 AM   #34
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Marie - you know my heart aches for you. While I've lost many little ones, I've never been able to meet them or hold them. So although our pain is similar, it's also drastically different. There's a card and a small token of our condolences on it's way to you.

To the rest of you TTC while BFing mamas: I have news of renewed hope and life. I am expecting. After 19 long months filled with too many losses, we have a sticky baby. I'm now 5.5 weeks along and so far everything is perfect. I will go in on Nov 1 to hopefully see this little babe's heartbeat.

The circle of life continues. And this world continues to remind me to treasure the time I have with my children (both in my womb and in my arms).

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Old 10-20-2011, 09:29 AM   #35
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Re: TTC while Breastfeeding Grads! ~Month of October~

Marie--I know you must be aching and screaming and kicking inside (and sometimes outside) and that all sounds like it should be. But I still hold that you are managing with much grace and I mean that in the best possible way. You are still loving and supporting your son here on earth and that IS graceful and beautiful. I hope I didn't sound like I was being pithy or suggesting that you are just gliding along. . .

Lucy--So, so glad for you. It's lovely to hear. You'll be in my thoughts.
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Old 10-20-2011, 11:01 AM   #36
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Re: TTC while Breastfeeding Grads! ~Month of October~

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Originally Posted by wordmama View Post
Marie - you know my heart aches for you. While I've lost many little ones, I've never been able to meet them or hold them. So although our pain is similar, it's also drastically different. There's a card and a small token of our condolences on it's way to you.

To the rest of you TTC while BFing mamas: I have news of renewed hope and life. I am expecting. After 19 long months filled with too many losses, we have a sticky baby. I'm now 5.5 weeks along and so far everything is perfect. I will go in on Nov 1 to hopefully see this little babe's heartbeat.

The circle of life continues. And this world continues to remind me to treasure the time I have with my children (both in my womb and in my arms).

Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum
Having lost a baby that I did get to hold I can say that it (for me) was easier this time. Part of my grief with my previous losses was not being able to know their personalities or know what they looked like or hold them and tell them I loved them, etc. This time I DID get those things. That has made it infinitely easier AND infinitely harder. But I got to know him and I know who he would have grown up to be, if he'd gotten the chance.

CONGRATULATIONS on a sticky pregnancy and I hope that he/she continues to stick and grow and gets to come home with you healthy and loved. *hugs and hopes for a HH9M*

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Marie--I know you must be aching and screaming and kicking inside (and sometimes outside) and that all sounds like it should be. But I still hold that you are managing with much grace and I mean that in the best possible way. You are still loving and supporting your son here on earth and that IS graceful and beautiful. I hope I didn't sound like I was being pithy or suggesting that you are just gliding along. . .

Lucy--So, so glad for you. It's lovely to hear. You'll be in my thoughts.

You didn't sound pithy, it just sounds so incongruous to feel totally shattered and be told by so many people that I am handling things with grace and poise (I'm not normally graceful and poised and I feel even less so now), so it was amusing to hear it, I guess.

And I haven't screamed and kicked on the outside yet, but I feel REALLY sorry for the next person who has ANY kind of rude comment for me. I am itching for an excuse to yell at someone and scream and kick---someone who doesn't know me so I don't have to feel too bad for going off on them!
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Old 11-06-2011, 01:28 PM   #37
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Is there a November thread?
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Old 11-06-2011, 03:57 PM   #38
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Re: TTC while Breastfeeding Grads! ~Month of October~

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Is there a November thread?
There is now. I was traveling and forgot to start up the new thread.

http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/....php?t=1306348
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