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Old 11-23-2011, 09:32 AM   #1
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"dad"

here is my situation. about 8-9 months ago, after 3 years of a horrid relationship that i was convinced i could fix, my kids father left. i have a 2.5 yo dd, and a 15 month old ds. they love there father very much. but he has never been a part of their life. even when he lived here, i couldnt work, because he said that when he gets off of work he doesnt need to be a "babysitter" he wants to relax. when the kids were little and i would wake up at night to nurse, i would turn the lamp on and he would swear at me and tell me that he has to work so i need to respect that... and after 3 years of drug addiction, verbal and physical abuse i had enough.... so long story short he feels bad now, he wants to "fix things" i honestly dont think it is possible and i dont even want to try. about a month after he left, i met the most amazing man, and we took things pretty slow. well now summer is over, and i discussed with him becoming a permanent part of my life, and that included meeting my kids. he has never been around kids much less even spoken to one before, so it was very new to him. he stayed at my house a few weekends and warmed up to them. and the next week he moved in after seeing how i struggle daily with 2 little ones and the terrible twos, they rarely see their father because he "doesnt have the time", i have yet to recieve child support. so E is the only one besides myself doing any parenting, even though i told him that he doesnt have to take any parental responsibility. he has taken over the role of "dad" i cannot say that im not happy that my kids will have a dad. because their father wants nothing to do with them unless it is using them to control me. my dilemma lies in what do i do if they start calling him "dad".... should i be ok with it?

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Old 11-23-2011, 06:26 PM   #2
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Re: "dad"

Let them call him Dad and explain the situation to them when they're old enough to understand.
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Old 11-23-2011, 06:29 PM   #3
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Re: "dad"

If it feels right to you and your boyfriend then let them call him Dad.
Oh and congrats- you deserve happiness Mama!
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Old 11-26-2011, 12:00 AM   #4
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Re: "dad"

I guess for me personally, I'd want to wait. 8-9 months is awesome and I'm super happy for you, but I would probably be extra cautious unless I was getting married. Your LO's are pretty young that I'd think they wouldn't really question yet if he was still "Joe" or whatever. DS is almost 5 and has never really asked about calling anyone Dad(besides his Dad who we haven't even seen in over a year). Hope everything works out for you, sounds like you found a great guy
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Old 11-26-2011, 01:39 AM   #5
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Re: "dad"

I would wait. Just because my brother was in a similar situation that didn't end well. Her kids were calling him "Daddy J". Long story short the break up was horrible, and I can't help but to think about how confused those children must be. Wait until it's more permanent. That's my
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Old 11-27-2011, 12:30 PM   #6
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Re: "dad"

I also say wait. I have a friend that remarried after her and her first husband had been divorced for awhile. Things went as far as the bio dad giving up his rights so that my friends new husband could adopt them. Well things did not work out and they have been split up for about 4 months. The girls hardly ever see the bio dad or the step dad and it is extremly confusing for them. They are 8 and 4.
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Old 11-27-2011, 02:21 PM   #7
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Re: "dad"

yeah, I would wait. A name isn't what gives the attachment. There is also a good chance their bio-dad will be in and out of the picture a ton anyhow so they may end up with negative feelings towards "dad."

My boys call their step-mom "mommy." Drives me insane but that is what they were taught. She's a good step-mom so in that way Im grateful. But, now her son with my ex is starting to call me "mommy" so I think she understands how confusing it is for kids to have to figure out what to call everyone in their life.
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Old 11-27-2011, 07:49 PM   #8
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Re: "dad"

i agree with you all who say to wait. i dont want my kids to get confused or hurt. ive seen many of my friends bring man after man into their kids lives and confuse the crap out of them by having them call the man daddy. i know a little girl who is 3.5 and has called 9 or 10 different men daddy. by no means do i want that for my kids.

i figure over time, they will know who loves them and cares for them, and they will come to the conclusion who is "dad" and who their "father" is. E is the best thing that has ever happened to us. and i really hope it stays that way! thank you all for your advice!
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Old 12-02-2011, 07:37 PM   #9
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Re: "dad"

I might suggest giving him his own moniker -- like Papa, Papi, or Pa. That way they have something dad-like to call him that isn't "dad". That's super common anyway I think among those of us whose children have multiple grandparents (my kids have neema and papa, Nana, Grandpa and Grandma Linda, etc).
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Old 12-02-2011, 08:48 PM   #10
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Re: "dad"

For my situation, it's kind of like the pp suggested, but in reverse. My son's father is Russian, so DS has grown up calling him "Papa." So now that I'm getting married and my fiancé has lived with us for the past 1.5 years and been in our lives for 2 years, DS calls him "Daddy." He started calling him that exactly a year ago. It was his choice to call my fiancé that and while I didn't discourage it, I didn't encourage it either. My family has had a hard time with it because my ex is still in our lives, but as I've told them many times, it was up to the child and we need to look at reality here: my fiancé is in our lives for good - this isn't a passing fancy; he is more of a father than DS's biological father has been in the past 2.5 years; calling him "Daddy" doesn't negate DS's relationship with his biological father; and to have DS grow up calling the most present male figure in his life by his first name is awkward. I mean really, when we meet people, what is DS supposed to say?..."this is my mama and this is my Ryan?"

For us, it happened quickly because my fiancé and I knew very early on that this was it - we had finally found each other and we were meant for each other. If there'd been any doubt in my mind, I would have waited a long time before introducing my son to him, or moving in with him, but that's not how it worked for us.
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