Help with potty training (cross posted) desperate for help!

[mistylynn313]

I know that there is a potty training forum, but it doesn't see much traffic and I am so desperate for help with DD.

DD is 3 and has regressed to the point where I'm ready to pull out my fitteds and wool and put her back in them. I don't know what went wrong but I'm at my wits end. I have been patient for so long and its starting to wear thin. Okay. To be honest my patience is gone. Both yesterday and today I've blown up at her for peeing in her pants. I feel like crap for doing it, but as I said I'm at my wits end....

This is summer she magically decided to potty train. Bada bing. I didn't have to do a darn thing. She was independently taking herself to the bathroom. Mostly just peeing. Sometimes she would poop in the potty, but more often she would just hold it until we put her pull-up on to go out of the house or go to bed and then she'd poop. I was fine with that. Then she just started having more and more accidents so we'd put her in pull ups for a few days to give her a break.

Now, for the past few months she won't use the potty independently at all. If we don't take her into the potty ourselves she'll just pee or poop in her underwear and even then she still tends to have a number of accidents each day. But only at home. At daycare she stays dry all day, other than maybe 2 accidents in the last 6 months. At home, she could care less. I just don't know what to do. At 3 years old she should be getting it by now. I really think she does get it and just doesn't care. I understand accidents and I wouldn't mind if she had an accident every now and then or even one a day but this is rediculous. There are times when she has an accident, I'll change her, have her sit on the potty for a little while anyway and within 20-30 minutes she'll just spread her legs and pee where she stands.

The only thing that I can think might be causing it is my neice living with us. My 21 mo old neice and my BIL live with us and have been for almost a year. She's getting into that "my" stage and the girls are fighting all the time. I've noticed that last few weeks that when DD doesn't get her way she'll crawl on the floor toward me and "eh, eh" like she did before she could speak. I don't know if the tension with my neice is the cause of her regression or if its something else, but I really need help. Unfortunately my BIL is laid off and has no money to get his own place, so that's not an option.

I finally resorted to taking a toy away when she has an accident. I don't know what else to do. I've talking to her rationally (but age appropriate) about it, tried treats when she does go. I tried a chart that we put stickers on when she goes all day without an accident. The longest she's gone is 3 days in a row, and that was ages ago... I'm getting so darn mad at her when she pees in her underware and I hate it. I don't want to make it worse by getting mad and making her feel ashamed. I was a late bedwetter (6-7 yrs old) and my step-grandmother used to humiliate me over it. I would never want to do that to my daughter. I just need help. Do I just go back to diapers? I am so desperate for advice. I'm in tears while I'm typing this... please help!

[Zoethink]

First of all !!! It sounds like it is very frustrating and disappointing to feel like you had gotten somewhere with potty training and now be back at square one!

I think you have hit the nail on the head with the situation with your niece. It sounds to me like your LO is pretty stressed out by her frustration with her cousin. It sounds to me almost like a "new sibling" situation, IYKWIM.

If she is that stressed out, I think it is important to remember that she probably isn't having accidents in order to misbehave. My guess is that it is a response to the stress and is not really something she can control. Three year olds tend to process things through their bodies. They don't always have the ability to verbalize or even think things through like adults do.

Personally, I might get out the diapers again, if they still fit and if it doesn't make her feel embarrassed. Or perhaps there are more absorbent trainers out there that could help. ( I might also try letting her choose whether she wants to wear baby diapers or big girl clothes and really going with whatever she chooses.)

Then, I would try helping her verbalize what you think is going on. I would try to acknowledge when she is acting like a baby and remember with her, "yep, you used to crawl up to me just like that when you were a baby. You used to make that sound 'eh eh' before you knew how to talk. I remember you used to pee in your diaper when you were a baby. I had to change your diaper ever time. I used to hold you just like this when you were a baby . . . " etc. I would try to keep any judgment out, (which is sounds like you are aware of from your own experience) and just remember with her.

It sounds to me like she is wanting to be reassured that she is still your baby. I think by helping her to articulate what is going on she will know that you see her, and understand her, and care about her no matter if she is a baby or a big girl.

I hope having a new way to look at it helps!

[oriskanystorey]

I wouldn't discipline for accidents either. Maybe she isn't ready...sounds like you are both frustrated...maybe now is not the time. Good luck, mama

[MyKzooFamily]

We decided to wait until DS was ready... at 3 years and 3 months old he just potty trained one day! I ran out of diapers, and told him that we were all out, and that he had to wear undies now and go in the potty. DONE! He even empties his own potty, flushes, tries to wipe himself, washes his own hands. I'm kind of frustrated that he won't call me in to help with that, or just let me do it, but hey!

There is a reason she is NOT having accidents and daycare, and that is what you need to figure out. Do they reward her for going on the potty? What do they do when she does have an accident? Do they have firm rules there? She may respect that they have firm rules of going potty, but then feel like it's a free-for-all at home. You just need to carry that daycare pee-in-potty mentality at home. Ask her teacher what goes on there. Do they take potty breaks together? Does she just KNOW that going potty ON the potty is a rule?

I would NOT go back to diapers. It will show that you can digress and it's OK. HOWEVER.. if she keeps having problems, for YOUR sake, maybe just do diapers. You don't need to lose your mind over this. And I COMPLETELY agree that when you are stress-free, she will be. If you are tense and all over her about wetting, just do diapers until you get your patience back. The one thing I learned is that DS absolutely hated when I got upset over potty training. It needs to be a stress-free thing. So do diapers if it will relax you, because it will help her relax, too.

I think she is fully capable, based on her being so good about it at daycare. You just need to figure out why that is, and do the same at home. Maybe tell her daily "You know how you go on the potty at daycare? You need to do that here, too. Diapers are for babies, like "nieces name". You get to go to daycare because you are a big girl. And big girls have to go on the potty. Why don't you show her how you go on the potty like a big girl?"

Always talk about how she is a big girl, and your niece is a baby. That still works great for DS when he has an accident. I just say "Oops! We had an accident. It's ok, let's get changed. Next time let's make it on the potty, because only babies need to be changed. And you are a big boy now!" Trying to put most of the emphasis on 'big boy' and less on baby, as I don't want him to think I would ever call him one, even with accidents.

I had medical problems, kidney reflux, but had bed wetting until 16+. My parents didn't know it was medical until a few years ago (and I'm 25 now!), when my littlest sister was diagnosed with it, and saw ALL of my siblings have it to some extent (and there are 7 of us). So I never, ever want a child to feel bad because of bedwetting or accidents, because you just never know.

I would go on a role with the 'big girl' thing, talk to the daycare, and go to diapers in the mean time if it will give you some peace of mind and a break from it all. Hope something works for you!

[mistylynn313]

Thank you for the advice ladies! We've been asking her what she wants and she's been wearing pull ups but still pottying, so hopefully the pull ups will take the stress out of accidents and that will get up over this hump!

[spencerrn]

Personally, I would NOT go back to diapers. When we do potty training here we use a timer. This way I am not telling them to go potty the timer is. When they start having more accidents I break out the timer again.

She doesn't wet at school because she is not allowed to. She goes to potty on a schedule I am guessing. They also NEVER put her back in diapers and you did.

Kids figure things out quick! If I pee over and over again they will just put me in pull ups and then I don't have to stop playing to go potty. It's easier for me.

Do not get angry over potty training. This is one of only a few things that she has complete control over and she will use it if it makes you crazy.

I put the underwear wear DS can reach them and clean pants too. When there is an accident it is his job to clean it up. Put underwear, pants, etc by washing machine. Put clean undies and pants on. Wash floor( I do help with this part). We don't make a big deal out of it. It happens sometimes.

She maybe stressed with her cousin there but how is having a cousin in the house any different then a sibling. If you treat them as siblings, discipling each fairly then there shouldn't be too much stress.

Good Luck. Try and relax this too shall pass.