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Old 04-10-2012, 07:34 PM   #11
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Re: Stealing

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we aren't allowed to threaten the kid with disrupting them. i wouldn't do it anyway i don't think its a good idea. besides, you don't think she is thinking that every day anyway? when are these people going to send me back? what do i have to do to make it happen? it doesn't seem like she did much in the last place to get moved.

i don't know what i would do. i think you have a good instinct though, trust that. even if she didn't break her arm it was the right thing to get it checked out. i think you should tell her just what you said, you would never move her. i think she's just waiting for the other shoe to drop and she has to learn to trust you just as much as you have to learn to trust her.
Ours could/did but most of the kids knew it anyway. Kids know far more than they give you credit for, especially the stipend which usually becomes a sore point at some point. If the kids were acting up, and the foster parent was willing to keep going, which many are, I went in there telling them here are your choices. I have a home, but these are the rules (made them horrible/strict), described the home as not so nice, and compared it to what they had at their current home that loved them and wanted them or it was off to a group home and described that. How ever I did it, it worked well as I had very very few disruptions and they were for good reason (i.e. foster parents being accused of things by parents and it would put their jobs at risk so there was no question to move the kids, etc.). Its one of those skills you have or don't have.

Some kids also act up thinking that will get them back home vs. moved. Its a balancing act how to approach it. But, stealing, lying, hurting someone, and the other biggies are ones I don't let go and very much address as you want to catch that stuff early and young.

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Old 04-10-2012, 09:17 PM   #12
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Re: Stealing

i think you are right about them knowing. i am worried about what a kid will think once they are adopted from care, about the money. like that book i read, the girl thought the only reason the people took care of her was because they were getting paid. so sad. i want to put it in a savings account for a college fund but we don't have one for dd so i don't know how fair that is.

i think it is different to hear from a social worker that you could be moved than from the actual foster parent. maybe it is a good idea to call the worker. that could shape her up without creating a trust issue.
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:49 PM   #13
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Re: Stealing

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i think you are right about them knowing. i am worried about what a kid will think once they are adopted from care, about the money. like that book i read, the girl thought the only reason the people took care of her was because they were getting paid. so sad. i want to put it in a savings account for a college fund but we don't have one for dd so i don't know how fair that is.

i think it is different to hear from a social worker that you could be moved than from the actual foster parent. maybe it is a good idea to call the worker. that could shape her up without creating a trust issue.
I have always told people who were iffy about taking it to take it and put it away as you never know. If you are looking at a special needs child, you put it away for things they need or life long care. Otherwise, college fund. Personally, I'd take the money and split it between the two kids. Worst case, just say you used 50% on her/his care and save 50% and then matched it for your daughter with an equal amount. We are doing the prepaid and its something to consider given what college costs will be. Its just something to consider as kids do find out that stuff and how would you feel being that child as that makes you very different in a family. Other people I know used it to pay for far fancier child care and activities than they otherwise would have done. There is a variety of things you can do.

When getting serious about consequences, I think a discussion between the social worker and foster parent needs to happen privately and then they jointly talk to the child. With teenagers, it can come alone from the worker and later followed up with the foster parent. If you don't have a joint force, it makes everyone's life harder. I had a set of kids who got so mad at me as they called to ask if they could go out (I just got the case and didn't know them) on a Friday night. I asked them what their foster mom said and they said she said to call her. I told them if they are asking me, it is not my home/my rules, so my answer is no and I'll be calling their foster mom to let her know my decision. Apparently their last social worker was overriding the foster mom on parenting and it created a huge mess. I did call the foster mom, went out and we dealt with it jointly that it was fine to call me but I will never ever override her on parenting/her home. To me, that is the best approach.
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:45 AM   #14
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Re: Stealing

Not sure if this is right or wrong, but at this point I told the kids whoever finds it gets an awesome prize. This was at the recommendation of a friend who works with foster kids. I am still withholding her Easter stuff as punishment for all the lies, whether she took the kindle or not. (she has told ten or more stories varying from she broke it and threw it away to she took it to school to she never took it at all).

Other then that, I will follow up with her caseworker and I'm dropping the issue. I can't live like this. She spent the entire afternoon/evening in her room. I can't handle the stress. I have to submit the claim form and let it go.
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:47 AM   #15
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Re: Stealing

fyi: I think at this point she either forgot where she put it, she keeps going back to the same room of the house, but is not producing it or she took it to school. We heard a noise in that part of the house when it went missing, but then more noise by her backpack before we made it up to see what was going on. I have no idea. She may have thought about stashing it in that room then decided to put it in her backpack. Who knows. I have a feeling we will never know the truth.
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:49 AM   #16
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Re: Stealing

On another note, I have to take her in for surgery tomorrow and the only time I ever have to read is when I do stuff like that. I just may be seething about it all day. It's the only time I have to relish in my books without feeling guilty for not doing housework.
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:55 AM   #17
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Re: Stealing

What ever works. I think that is a great way to handle it. Its a material thing.. there are far more important things (or people) in the world than worrying about that. It sucks but what can you do.
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Old 04-11-2012, 08:17 AM   #18
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Re: Stealing

I think thats a great way to handle it. Im sorry you had to lose your kindle though. Maybe buy yourself a regular book or magazine for the surgery. Though i have to say you do deserve down time t home too! Pencil yourself in for some alone time before you crack up!
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Old 04-12-2012, 05:23 PM   #19
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Re: Stealing

I'm just a lurker in this section, but......one way we do it here when something goes missing, we don't know who took it, and nobody admits it is we say "It is not okay to take other people's stuff. Nobody can go on the computer (or watch TV, or whatever) until it is returned. We expect it to be on the table before "insert time" and no questions will be asked." We've only had to use this a few times, but the item has been returned every time. I think sometimes the kid who took it really wishes they didn't by then and feels guilty, but is afraid of getting in big trouble. So we do it that way. If we happen to see who put it back, they will get talked to more in private.
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Old 04-12-2012, 06:17 PM   #20
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Re: Stealing

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Originally Posted by mommyfrog View Post
I'm just a lurker in this section, but......one way we do it here when something goes missing, we don't know who took it, and nobody admits it is we say "It is not okay to take other people's stuff. Nobody can go on the computer (or watch TV, or whatever) until it is returned. We expect it to be on the table before "insert time" and no questions will be asked." We've only had to use this a few times, but the item has been returned every time. I think sometimes the kid who took it really wishes they didn't by then and feels guilty, but is afraid of getting in big trouble. So we do it that way. If we happen to see who put it back, they will get talked to more in private.
Love this. That's a great way to handle it. Thanks for coming by (and please stay as that is great advice).
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