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Old 04-15-2012, 09:59 PM   #1
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Boundaries...

We have an open adoption with DD's BM. We have never met the BF as he has been incarcerated since we met her. BM has had the attitude all along that she wanted nothing to do with him and he didn't want to be in DDs life. (one night stand and all)

I have already had to set some boundaries. Letting her know that our agreement is with her and not her friends, parents, grandparents and her birth parents (who also just got out of jail). We are very close and so far she has understood.

Now we are a week away from finalizing and BF is back in the picture. He wants to meet DD. He even wrote BM a letter saying he didn't agree but wouldn't fight the adoption. He will just come get her from us when he wants. (Right....) BM is interested in him again and is really pushing it.

DH says he can't meet her at all. He is pretty much just a donor. He has 4 other babies, one with a 13 yr old, and takes care of none of them.

What would you do? I have told them we will think about it and plan to wait till after finalizing.

TIA!!!

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Old 04-15-2012, 10:15 PM   #2
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Re: Boundaries...

So bio dad has threatened to take the baby?!
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Old 04-15-2012, 10:38 PM   #3
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Re: Boundaries...

Its been four months. Most places have a revocation period, so yours "should" be over in less he hasn't consented. You need to separate your relationship with her and him and have separate ones. If you agreed to an open adoption, I would meet in a very very neutral place. Baby is an infant and will not remember it but maybe you can get some medical and other family history information and pictures. He doesn't sound like a prize, but even as a "donor," good or bad, he is still her biological child. I would make no future promises for visitation or any contact.

If he wants to change his mind, finalization has nothing to do with it. I'd talk to your attorney if you are concerned.
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Old 04-16-2012, 06:12 AM   #4
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In our state, because he had did not support or see BM for 6 months or more during the pregnancy he has no rights. He was notified and has 60 days to take action b
He would have to hire an attorney and file a petition to legitamize with the court before the court date. Then they would do a DNA and he would have to prove we are unfit and he can support her. Most likely he would get visitation and have to pay us child support. I really don't see this happening. I think he is messing with BM.

I'm just wondering if you would allow a visit. I wasn't thinking about the pictures and all. I just really don't want a dead beat in her life. I was thinking about waiting until after finalization because he can't do anything then. I just feel safer.
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Old 04-16-2012, 06:31 AM   #5
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Re: Boundaries...

I would just tell him that any communication needs to go through your attorney. If he is legitimately interested in seeing her, he'll contact the attorney. If not, so be it.

I would be reluctant to not meet with him only because he could make your life miserable by challenging the adoption. Even if he loses, it would still be a PITA and expensive for you. So by seeing her, it is possible he will be pacified and leave things alone.
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Old 04-16-2012, 09:28 PM   #6
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Re: Boundaries...

I would allow a visit but that is just me but he has to ask for it first and meet you at a mutually agreeable neutral area. I am not threatened by that stuff. We saw our son's birthparents every other day or so for the first 3 weeks waiting for ICPC and saw them twice a month for the first 9-10 months till they moved again (and again) that it was just too far for us to do. It actually gave me a lot of comfort as it did them as I could see they didn't want him back but wanted to see he would be ok with us.

Understand that most or all of your information is from birth mom. You don't know his full story or what the deal is. You need to separate those relationships and do what is best in each of them. If you are a week away from finalization and it makes you more comfortable, then wait a few weeks. Technically he could petition after the finalization for it to be overturned (but if he knew about baby and all that, then you are probably ok). Anyone can file anything with the courts so just assume the threats are just threats to birth mom and for spite and just dismiss them until something is actually filed. At least you have it documented now he knows what is going on. A "deadbeat" is a relative term. They may not be parenting how you or I would or have a relationship that is positive but there could be many reasons for this. To me, a father only has an obligation to support the child post birth and if she is with you, it is not his responsibility as he is no longer the father. What arrangements he has regarding his other children has nothing to do with you or your daughter. Regardless of all this, she will always have ties to him so use your words carefully as she gets older as you don't want her to think it has something to do with her and internalize it.
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Old 04-16-2012, 10:50 PM   #7
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Re: Boundaries...

If it were me, I'd also wait until after finalization. Really, this is a decision that shouldn't be and doesn't need to be rushed, so why not wait just to ease your mind - as you said, you'd feel safer.

Then, and only if your DH is on board too, I'd schedule a meeting if you still feel it is something you wish to do, with JUST the BF. I agree with pp that the two "relationships" may be best if kept separate (BM and BF) since things have the potential to get messy on that front. Not to mention that if he is saying he wants to be in your child's life to mess with BM and doesn't really have interest in establishing a relationship with your child, then he probably won't follow through if the meeting is just to be with him and not including BM. Neutral place, on your terms, very clear boundaries set beforehand with him.
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Old 04-17-2012, 01:46 PM   #8
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Re: Boundaries...

Update: So it seems that the entire issue was being pushed by BM and her desire to get him back. She just said he told her out right that he wanted nothing to do with DD and went on his way with one of his other "baby mamas." So looks like we won't have to deal with it right now after all.

I have a hard time with young men thinking they don't have any responsibility in the life they helped create. DH was pretty adamant about him never seeing her, because of his past actions. This guy now has 3 besides DD. I've talked to BM about getting on with her life and making something of her self. We shall see. Maybe we will never hear from him again.

Thanks everyone for the support.
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Old 04-17-2012, 03:56 PM   #9
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Do not be too hard on the guy. He did a great job as now you are parents to your perfect child. He did at least one thing right. I would be careful with birth mom.
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Old 04-17-2012, 10:32 PM   #10
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Re: Boundaries...

Yikes, it sounds like BM is playing games and I wouldn't like that she's trying to involve you and your family in them. Keep your boundaries strong.
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