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Old 04-23-2012, 06:52 AM   #1
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we lost our 17 mo old

I can't stop crying.

just looking for prayers to help my family through this mess. thank you

i don't know what to say but wanted to say something...we see the guy today about services and all that. We just realized yesterday that this is going to be expensive. i figured that we would be able to set up a payment plan so wasn't worried but mil said they wouldn't let her sis do it when her dh passed. but it was a different place...i guess we will see what they can do for us.

We are doing as well as can be expected. dh and I have random breakdowns. the kids seem absolutely fine so far, but relatives have kept them busy.

the first day was hard. my almost 3 yo asked where brandon was and was adamant that he was just outside playing. she wanted to go out and get him. today is another day...

We are having a small private memorial service at our home on sat. My parents are driving in from Ca. with my other sister. My youngest sister is here now. I think I am out of tears...for now. The kids are going back to school tomorrow. They seem to be doing ok. Ds started yelling about why Brandon had to leave. That he was mad at bran for leaving us. He was in his room alone, it ended as quickly as it began, but he didn't mention it...we didn't ask about it. He hasn't shown much emotion but I can tell he is feeling it. Dh is blaming me for not watching our son close enough. that stings. I am trying really hard not to be angry with him. He was the one driving the vehicle. it was our vehicle. We are going to sell it. I can't drive it now and with only 3 kids, I don't need it. besides, it will save us over 1000/month.

cost is no longer an issue. The home is donating their time and the crematorium doesn't charge for babies under 2. So it will just be the embalming (because we did want the kids to see him one last time) and the transportation charges from the city where they took him for the autopsy. Oh, and the urn.

so, life goes on...it kind of has to, at least for the other children. We are trying really hard to get back into a new sort of routine. The younger two seem to be doing fine. ds is having a harder time of it...we keep finding notes and letters he has written to brandon. And he is having trouble sleeping. I see a counselor tomorrow morning and the kids have an intake app tomorrow afternoon. Dh still needs to schedule his...they would not let me do it. Not sure if dh and I will make it through this. things weren't great to begin with. Thank you to everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers.

today will be 4 weeks. he would be 18 mos now. just 4 short weeks ago, at this time, I was whining about how often he still woke at night to nurse...
I am having a hard time right now...having trouble sleeping and yet completely exhausted. they say it gets easier with time, and I thought I was doing ok...dh is not helping. all we do is say horrible things to each other. I am not angry with him about this...I was very angry at first...when the ambulance was working on brandon and all the people were around, I would not let him touch me or even come near me...apparently this embarrassed him...like anyone would fault me at the time...but I decided in the hospital that we needed each other and that the kids need us and that it wouldn't do any good to be angry. but he has always been a jerk and I just don't have the emotional strength to deal with his crap right now...I have a few posts about him if anyone cares to dig them up...I really don't think we are going to make it through this.
tina UC mama of 5!

Last edited by Cricket; 03-24-2014 at 07:43 AM. Reason: update
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