Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-19-2012, 07:49 PM   #81
qsefthuko's Avatar
qsefthuko
Registered Users
sitesupporter
seller
seller
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 16,985
Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

Quote:
Originally Posted by aleatha5 View Post
I have to lol at the responses that are telling you the law... Note to self: do not get legal advice on ds In the vast majority of states you can contract for anything not illegal. PP you may not like op's attitude but it IS actually illegal to practice law without a license, so I wouldn't dispense legal advice unless you are licensed in op's state.
I cann't say for her state or your state. In Illinois it is really really hard to evict a mother and child regardless of weather they pay rent or break the contract in any way.

Advertisement

qsefthuko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2012, 08:12 PM   #82
JasmineMama's Avatar
JasmineMama
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,076
My Mood:
Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

Quote:
Originally Posted by qsefthuko View Post
I cann't say for her state or your state. In Illinois it is really really hard to evict a mother and child regardless of weather they pay rent or break the contract in any way.
Oh? By statute or by case law? I am always interested in learning, can you give the cites?
JasmineMama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2012, 08:18 PM   #83
qsefthuko's Avatar
qsefthuko
Registered Users
sitesupporter
seller
seller
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 16,985
Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

In a little bitty town outside of Central City, Illinois a landlord wanted to evict a renter. They had children. We were supposed to be taking care of the trailer court. The owner told us not to bother them. She would have to take care of the eviction because it would require them following different procedures to get them out than if no children were involved. The courts were not going to let her just kick them out despite several months without paying rent. I don't know what she had to do. I just know it involved a lot more trouble.

I looked up the eviction laws in Illinois. This may have occurred the way it did because of our being in a small town. Despite what the law says you still have to get along with the local officials if you want them to help you in future. So it is best not to offend them. I know the law is the law but we all know that if you are on friendly terms with local law inforcement things are easier.

My mother knows that in her little town the police know her and if she is going a bit too fast she will just get a finger wag and a shake of the head. If the police don't like you or you are a stranger you are more likely to get a ticket.

However if OP had a contract that did not specifically state her renter could not bottlefeed her child she would not have a leg to stand on. I do not know if that would even be allowed in a rentors contract. For certain I wouldn't sign one that did. Even with the best of intentions to breastfeed you just never know what circumstances may come up giving you no choice but to bottlefeed.

Last edited by qsefthuko; 05-19-2012 at 08:30 PM.
qsefthuko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2012, 10:01 PM   #84
marvelous's Avatar
marvelous
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,315
My Mood:
Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

Quote:
Originally Posted by PerfectFifth View Post

Also, a little OT, but am I the only one who would be way more bothered by disposable diapers than formula in my house?
Yes!! Lol, I wouldn't be more bothered, and would rather see bfing than cloth, but I'd offer to wash all the diapers rather than have stinky sposies in my house. BUT if the guest staying with me insisted on them, I'd get over it and move on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaWillow View Post
I never see anyone getting flamed for preventing their kids from being exposed to something the parent disagrees with.
Umm...yes they do. Check out the thread about would it bother you for your kids to have play dates or sleep over at friend's house who had same sex parents. Those who said they would mind were in the vast minority and totally got flamed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jessicap View Post
I am a lactation consultant and worked for awhile at our local WIC office. I went in with my breastfeeding guns blazing, I was (and still am) passionate about breastfeeding. I just "knew" I was going to get the breastfeeding rates to climb in our county...and then I got in there and got my feet wet. I realized it is not as cut and dry as we think that it is. Breastfeeding for a lot of women is physical, and so if they can breastfeed awesome and if they can't not so awesome and can wreak havoc on a woman's self esteem.

There are some women who simply choose to not breastfeed, no real reason, other than they don't want to. Or it is gross to them, or they don't understand the benefit, or they just plain don't want to.

There are other women who desire to breastfeed because they know it is the best, but it is not a physical issue with them, it is a psychological issue with them. Maybe they were violated at some point in their life, maybe they are in a bad relationship and being abused. Many some of these women have skeletons in their closets that no one knows about, but they live it daily and breastfeeding seriously gets in the way. I remember having a client whose grandfather molested and raped her for years from like age 9-16 or so. Every time she would put her babe to breast it would flash her back to being held down by her grandfather and being raped. She started to resent her babe because of this. Now as passionate as I am abotu breastfeeding...I also am very aware of the damage that resentment from a mother to her child can cause. So I helped her along her way there. I presented the facts, I gave her the help that she needed and then I supported her decision.

You are absolutely right that being a first time momma is hard, then couple that with being a single momma. Even harder. But singling her out if she chooses to not breastfeed is not supporting her at all. if anything it will leave a bad taste in her mouth and she is less likely to reach out to other experienced mommas for help down the road for fear of being rejected and judged. It will single her out, and seperate her from the rest of the herd of mommas and make her feel alone, unsure and untrusting of others.

I totally get what you are saying when it comes to what your children are exposed to. I am a devout Christian and have family who is not. I am the only Christian in my family (outside of my husband and children) My children have been and are reg. exposed to many different belief systems and opinions. Quite often we are told that we are wrong for believing what we believe, in front of our children. My back is constantly up against a wall about the fact that we homeschool and my family doesn't support that at all and is incredibly vocal about it to my children. Now I could get really super uptight, allow my panties to get all wadded up over it and bubble my kids away. BUT I choose to use this as a learning tool for my children. They will see me present the facts firmly but gently. They will see me educate to the best of my ability to the person, and then they will see me sit back and allow that person to make a decision based on what I have given them. Then I will accept them for where they were in that decision. Does it mean that I agree with them or that I am going to compromise what I am teaching my children and how I live, absolutely not. But does it show my children the same kind of grace and mercy that I teach them that God gives them? Absolutely. You could use this as a tool to teach your children. There are plenty of parenting decisions that happen all around us. Be it CIO, co sleeping, baby wearing, carrying in a bucket car seat everywhere, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, etc etc...the fact of the matter is that we need to support and love one another, present facts and step back and support as well as you can when that decision is made. Do you agree with that decision, probably not, but your children will see you accept that person's decision as theirs. Your children will see that while there is a right and wrong way (not saying that ff is wrong, because there is a place for it) there is space for grace and mercy. It will speak volumes to your children that if they make a decision that is not yours, you will support them too, even if you don't agree.

Also, as far as the no meat and no alcohol thing...the difference here is that when you offered the room to someone as a veg. or a sober household, you would have presented that up front. There would be no suprises, like they were living with you and BOOM 3 weeks into it, they suprise with a steak dinner and a bottle of wine (this is a picture of her breastfeeding for a time and then giving up and going to formula) and you asking them to leave because they violated your core values. The thing is, if this is that important to you, before she moves in, you need to have this discussion. If it is something that would be an end all as far as the living arrangements go, then you need to do it before the living is arranged. that way all your cards are out, she knows what she is playing with.

But really momma, give her grace. If she chooses to quit with this one, and I have seen this happen so many times, if you are there supporting her, and still being a presence by breastfeeding your own and such, you will be that example of the norm of breastfeeding without beating her up about it. And chances are, her next child she will breastfeed again. And that time maybe longer than the first time. Seriously, the first babe is the guinea pig baby...we all make mistakes and do things with our first that we look back after having a couple and think...gosh what was I thinking?! Like my boys, I circ'd my boys, would I do that now? No...but I made that decision then, and do I regret it? I don't regret it, if I could take it back I would, but I can't so I choose to allow those parenting decisions to shape me for the mother I am today. My friends who strongly believe that circing is mutilation must have been going BONKERS when they found out. But they were graceful with me, and supported me to the best of my ability. When I had problems with my youngest boy's circ adhereing and having to take care of that, not one of them rubbed it in my face like nah nah nah if you woudln't have done this this wouldn't have happened...instead they commiserated with me, and I realized that none of them had gone through this particular issue, and why was that? Oh because they chose not to circ, ohhh now I get what some of the benefits are of not circing...They were an influence in my life, but a quiet supportive one of love and mercy. I get it now, and can make different decisions based on what I now know and "get". If she chooses to ff, you will be an influence on her...only you get to choose what kind you are. A "breastfeeding looney" who is my way or the highway, do it or be rejected or a breastfeeding momma who loves what she does, realizes that you two have common ground to stand on, you both are mothers. And that you can help walk her along this journey. She will eventually "get it" either way. Your support will make a difference in how she gets it.


I hope this novel is helpful...lol
Beautiful post and well said!


I understand not wanting certain things in your home, or not wanting certain things to be accepted as "normal" by your children if you vehemently believe differently, but I sincerely hope you take some of the stories presented here to heart. Not just for the FTM you are offering to help but for any other mom, mom-to-be, or future mom (daughter, daughter-in-law, etc.) that may be close to you. For some moms it just does not work. I'm a WOHM and very pro-bf. With both of mine, I had all the support anyone could dream of: DH was supportive and encouraging, I had a private office and adequate time to pump, and daycare was great about giving expressed milk (in a bottle!). After about 4 months or so, my body just drops its supply. I don't know why, it just does. Despite getting rest, taking fenugreek, drinking plenty of water, nursing on demand, Mother's Milk Tea--you name, it I tried it--my supply just drops. I get to the point where I only get half of what my baby needs. Half! As much as I didn't want to, because I wanted my babies to be EBF'd, I HAD to supplement. Does that make me a horrible mom and a horrible person?

I guess what I and pp's are saying is open up to the reasons why some families end up FF. I'm assuming BFing came easy for you, or you had a plentiful supply. If it did, kudos to you, but it is not the case for every mom, and I hope you would have compassion for those placed in that situation. I think jessicap said it best about having grace and mercy for those who chose or have no other choice than to FF or chose anything different than what you would do. Now that having the FTM move in with you is a moot point, I hope you are still able to be supportive of her without judging her despite your strong beliefs. It sounds like what she will need most is a friend and emotional support no matter how she choose to raise her child.

Best of luck to both of you.
__________________
M & G proud parents of Lae Lae 4/2005 traditional hospital birth, E E ! amazing home water birth 11/2009, Baby Girl another home water birth 9/2012

Last edited by marvelous; 05-19-2012 at 10:08 PM.
marvelous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-21-2012, 03:26 PM   #85
Buxterboo
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 212
My Mood:
Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

Seriously? I thought this was a joke at first... You might not be a horrible person (I reserve that title for murders and the like) but I definitely wouldnt want to be any type of friend to you. Good luck lady...
__________________
Sam- Wife to a military cop Mommy to monsterman And one on the way
Buxterboo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-21-2012, 04:07 PM   #86
misskira
Banned - User Requested
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Western Oregon
Posts: 7,162
My Mood:
Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

A horrible person? No. A horrible friend? Certainly.
misskira is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-21-2012, 04:15 PM   #87
jessicalev8's Avatar
jessicalev8
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Missouri
Posts: 1,689
Re: Would this make me a horrible person?

I'm not even sure what to say to this

If a friend offered me a place to stay I'd be very appreciative...but if they tried controlling what I ate or what I fed my children - I'd be and that friendship would be over.
__________________
Jessica -- DD (9-11-08) DS (4-22-10) DD2 (3-38-12)
jessicalev8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.