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Old 05-29-2012, 11:46 AM   #1
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How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

How did you decide who would get your children if something happened to you?


I have given us a deadline to finally pick someone by the time we head for vacation in June...which gives us 3.5 weeks. The problem is we are having the same issue we've had for almost 4 years...no one is right for the job of handing the most important thing in our lives over to.

How did you decide?? did you pick someone even though they we're ideal??

Thank you everyone for your opinions/ experiences! I think we are finally close to figuring it out. But won't finalize our decision till vacation.

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Old 05-29-2012, 11:56 AM   #2
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Re: How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

Yes, we picked MIL and FIl, who are not ideal. But we had to prioritize what is most important and went with her. She is very loving and devoted, extremely responsible, and will be the closest we can get to a parents love for them. Thats the best we can do. I imagine they would have expression/communication issues, sexual repression, and would likely be told there is only one acceptable worldview , and not exposed to any diversity. We are not thrilled about it. But no one can replace us. We have friends who have much more similar parenting views, but I can't imagine they would ever love out kids the way dhs parents would....
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Old 05-29-2012, 11:58 AM   #3
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Hmm good question! I think its always a tough decision.

My parents will getting the kids first and DHs sister and husband are our back up.

We decided by who could support them financially, with the morals and values we have, and know that would be brought up as closely as we would have raised them.

I want my kids to stay together.
My parents and DHs sister would be able to provided for them and raise them as healthy, well rounded humans.
We also wanted them to stay with family. Be it grandparents or aunt/ uncle and cousins.

DHs mother will not be getting them. We do not trust how they will be raised with her.

Good luck with your decision!

Amanda . Blaming my phone for typos and crap.
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Old 05-29-2012, 12:07 PM   #4
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Re: How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

Wow, mama! This is a tough one!
Well, we are Christians, so if it was up to us, we would pray about it a LOT.

I think it mostly comes down to figuring out who would be the most willing to put your kids' well-being above their own. If something happened to you and DH, your kids wouldn't just need someone to "take care" of them. They would need someone who would make their needs top priority, and offer them LOTS of stability and support after losing their parents - not instantly uprooting them to a strange place, possibly holding them through long, tearful nights, and being an example to others of how your want your kids to be treated in that situation.

Who would do that for you? Honestly, it sounds like your sis & her DH would be the most supportive and loving caregivers in that situation. Yes, they are young, and you aren't close right now, but have you talked to them about the possibility? They may surprise you with their willingness and maturity (or not). Also, keep in mind that you can build that relationship. Invite them for a visit sometime and see what happens. Might be a nice thing to do anyway!
In the meantime, it may not be a bad thing to make your parents the legal guardians temporarily, with the caveat that if they find that they are unable to care for the kids, they hire help.

I absolutely would NOT allow anyone to care for my kids if there is a possibility that they would see them as a "burden". Nope, sorry. There are plenty of other people in this world who would love them whether there are blood ties or not.
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Old 05-29-2012, 12:09 PM   #5
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Re: How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

We don't have many options. Basically, it's either his parents or mine. They go to my mom and step-father. We have no siblings who are suitable. My parents are much younger than my husband's parents and we believe they would do a better job raising our children with the values we want. His parents also have made it clear they would NEVER have as many children as we do. There are other things too. It just wouldn't be a good situation.

We do not feel my parents are ideal because of my step-father. (His children were raised very differently than my sister and I and than we would like our children.) However, he does love my kids and ultimately, my mom would have most of the say in the important things. My mom, I have no issues with at all and would be happy to have her raise my children if we could not do it. But, I would prefer if I had a sister or something who would take them simply due to age and life stage. Mine sister can't because of disabilities. His brother can't because they have their own who BIL doesn't even like. ( Long story, different thread.) Husband's sister is way too different from us, completely opposite beliefs and values. I know my mom and step-father love my kids AND they would actually want them.
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Old 05-29-2012, 12:18 PM   #6
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We've talked about this but haven't decided. My mom an stepdad would be our best choice probably. We want someone who will raise them like we would. We're Christians so that's very important to us. My da and stepmom are great with DS but they don't go to church and they drink frequently. None of my siblings because they just don't live lifestyles we would want our kids brought up around. DH's siblings would be good. His sister has 3 kids though and they're VERY frugal so I don't know if taking on more kids would be good. His brother and his wife are newly married and want kids, have good jobs so they would be good too. DH's mom is out. She's on disability and jut couldn't handle it. His dad and stepmom are out too, as they have 7 kids of their own aged 5-15. So, we've never decided, but need to do that!
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Old 05-29-2012, 12:27 PM   #7
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Re: How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

We choose my cousin. She is the same age as me and doesn't appear to want to have children, yet she is good with children and her DH is amazing with them! She has her reasons for not wanting them but I believe she would be a good mother. I don't talk to her that often and she has only seen DS once in person, however she is our best option so that is who we picked. We had to decide this before we had children so we made this decision 7 years ago and I don't regret it. She also would get any frozen embryos if there were any. We had to modify our wills for the IVF cycles.

OP I would go with your younger sister. People rise to the occasion and I would think that you would have life insurance that would go along with your children and that could help her if the unthinkable happened in the recent future.
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Old 05-29-2012, 01:26 PM   #8
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Re: How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

Dh and I both have life insurance policies that should be enough to cover our son for life, so we were able to choose people who wouldn't necessarily be able to afford take on more kids. Our primary concern is that the people share our faith and values. So that excludes my entire family, which is somewhat dysfunctional anyway. My sister is too free-spirited, and has the complete opposite values as we do, so she's out. Fortunately my ILs are wonderful people who share our faith and values, and who love our little guy to death. We also asked our son's godparents to be the back-up guardians if my ILs were unable to fulfill the task. She is a SAHM who adores children, and has a similar parenting style to mine. Her hubby is also very involved with the kids, so I know they would do great there. My BIL is also planning to get married this fall, so for now he's 3rd in line for guardianship. But they plan on living 500 miles away, and his FW is completely opposed to moving to Maine. So I'm not sure how that would work out, but hopefully it wouldn't come to that anyway.

I really think it's important to ask the people you are considering to take your children in. It seems inconsiderate to me to just name them the guardians, without discussing it beforehand.
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Old 05-29-2012, 01:39 PM   #9
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To answer a couple questions: We have life insurance so whoever we choose wouldnt have to worry about the added financial aspect. And yes we will be asking the person we pick but there is no sense I'm asking someone unless we know for sure we want them. Also we can't use either set of our parents for back up because of health issues and other issues.
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Old 05-29-2012, 02:05 PM   #10
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Re: How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

My oldest originally would have went to my male best friend, at the time I wasn't close to anyone, and I knew and know that he would do anything in the world for her. We had our children with a decent age gap (4 years 8 months) and then that's where we begin to have problems. I don't think it would be "right" to leave him with two children, as he is single, and can work some pretty long hours, with one in his job firls he could get away with bringing her for a couple hours if ever needed, but two would just be hectic, and finding child care/ sitters etc, and him even having a personal life that he wasn't done constructing (he does eventually want to be married, settle down etc, 2 kids would take so much time away from being able to persue a relationship easily)

Our kids staying together was very important to us (actually any differently was not an option) We chose my MIL, she's amazing with he girls, however as she ages we might have to change that, and we curently have no other options at all. My husband says his aunt is an option, but his family on that side has wayyyy too much drama, and smoke indoors, she's never had children, pops open a beer as soon as she gets home, and yeah, just not an option for me.
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