Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 06-02-2012, 10:23 PM   #1
Green Decals's Avatar
Green Decals
Registered Users
Formerly: mumma1010
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,934
My Mood:
Need support advice

*If this isn't the appropriate place for this, please let me know*

Close friends of ours just experienced their 3rd subsequent loss, at 12 weeks. Their other two losses were at 9 and 11 weeks, I believe. We are so saddened, they have a beautiful son the same age as our youngest (we met them in our birth class 3 years ago) and we really want to support them. We lost a set of triplets 4 years ago, so we know about loss, but ours was earlier and the passage of time has healed most of that wound, so really it pales in comparison/relationship to their pain. I just don't know how to support them, encourage them, and help them through this, their 3rd. I also have a great deal of "pregnancy guilt" right now, in light of their news, having just discovered that we are expecting again. I am not sure what to do, except to do nothing/say nothing, and let time heal them, but I so desperately want to help them, or be there for them, at the very least.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Green Decals is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2012, 06:43 AM   #2
myblessedbaby's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,346
Re: Need support advice

I think the most important thing is to remember their losses and acknowledge them. Doing/saying nothing can actually be a little hurtful sometimes. If you know the dates of the m/c or due dates, send her a card around that time. if you have the cash, maybe even buying a piece of remembrance jewelry or a willow tree angel figurine?
also you can just talk with her about your feelings. Let her know you want to be there for her, but don't want to hurt her with your own pregnancy. Let her guide you on how to handle things.
-Kate SAHM to John 12/31/07, Grace 10/15/09, Jack ^i^ 5/18/12 , and Jane 5/14/13
myblessedbaby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2012, 11:50 AM   #3
wordmama's Avatar
Registered Users
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 6,784
My Mood:
Kate has great advice.
A simple card can go a long way to making them feel less alone and that they aren't the only ones who are mourning their babies.

Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum
Loving wife and a devoted mama to 13: three in my arms
(Hayden, Felicity and Teagan), and ten in heaven.
Check out my blog, focusing on the wisdom of wee ones.
wordmama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2012, 07:52 PM   #4
slimy72's Avatar
Registered Users
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Western US
Posts: 10,055
My Mood:
Re: Need support advice

A simple card, or flowers, or a home cooked meal would all be a great help. You don't have to say much, just sorry for your loss, if you need me I'm here. It is often worse to not acknowledge it in some way. I have three SIL s all pregnant and due within the same time frame I was with the babe I lost last fall. The fact that no one in the family will even allow what I lost to be brought up, kills me. It's hard enough to watch someone else be due at the same time you were, but when they won't even acknowledge that mine happened it kills me a little more. So if she wants to talk be there for her, but no need to push if she's not ready.
hand spinning, soap making, sheep raising wife to my hardworking and FT WOHM to my 'lil & 6 angels in heaven & our rainbow baby that joined us safely this summer!
ISO: Formula Checks- if you have some you won't use we would love to have them!
NB Diapers for sale:
slimy72 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2012, 07:56 PM   #5
keen1981's Avatar
Registered Users
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 12,360
Home cooked meal. Drop it off. Don't stay. Don't linger.
BFing, CDing, all natural mama to three boys! Certified lactation Counselor
keen1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2012, 09:51 PM   #6
Vegan Princess
Registered Users
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: SF Bay Area
Posts: 1,305
Re: Need support advice

I agree - a card can mean a lot. And perhaps keep your news to yourself for the time being. I lost a baby last yr and my friend (who was pregnant at the time, but I didn't know it yet) hand delivered a nice card - just saying she was there to talk. I found it very sweet. I found out later that she was pregnant - due only a month after I had been. It stung finding out, even though a couple months had passed. I think my loss maybe hit her extra hard since she was pregnant herself.

Mama to DD (1/09) and DD (9/12)
Vegan Princess is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-03-2012, 10:30 PM   #7
twinpossible's Avatar
Registered Users
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: in a pile of laundry!
Posts: 1,987
My Mood:
Re: Need support advice

Originally Posted by keen1981 View Post
Home cooked meal. Drop it off. Don't stay. Don't linger.

I would also add to let her talk if she brings it up and to find a way to gently tell her about your new pregnancy before she finds out from someone else. I had a m/c and then an infant adoption fell through right after, a friend was afraid to tell me that she was expecting so I found out on Facebook through a comment one of her friends made when she was 6 months along. I felt betrayed and left out but also odd because did she think I would go crazy? Of course I would be happy for her, it would sting, but I would be happy. Give her a few months but don't wait until the 2nd trimester to tell her. It is so sweet that you are being so thoughtful.
A crunchy wife to B and momma of identical twin girls G & E , our rainbow
baby C born at home April 2013 and R forever in my heart.
twinpossible is offline   Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2018 VIX-WomensForum LLC. All Rights Reserved.