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Old 06-03-2012, 02:50 PM   #1
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Unbelievable

Hello I've never posted here before. I have a special dd. We don't have a dx just yet but she has major speech delays and some other issues as well. She is in therapy thru the county in the special preschool. I wanted to introduce myself formally before my actual post...

I just talked to my mom. Apparently my oldest sister who I don't really talk to (our husbands don't get along) has referred to my dd with the R word. I'm so hurt. Has anyone ever dealt with this before.

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Old 06-03-2012, 03:00 PM   #2
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I've heard it in response to my son (mainly when he was a baby, before his meds kicked in). Honestly, it says more about the person saying it than anything about your child. I would personally say something about it, but then again I'm pretty blunt and have trouble calling people out on their crap. And again honestly, in today's society you're probably going to hear it more (that sucks, but...) so I'd say to try to develop a thick skin about it. Sorry it happened though.
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Old 06-03-2012, 03:03 PM   #3
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Re: Unbelievable

Yeah that says a lot about her character and has no reflection on your son. If I caught anyone talking bad about my son I would be so PO'd. People can be very insensitive.
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Old 06-03-2012, 03:13 PM   #4
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That's terrible. But I also think its terrible your mother told you that. Sometimes the mature thing to do is not pass useless information on to someone if it will cause pain.
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Old 06-03-2012, 03:55 PM   #5
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Re: Unbelievable

First of all, this is coming from the mom of a child with a low IQ. My child's genetic syndromes also have mental retardation (older genetic database so uses older medical terminology) listed under them in the Jablownski database.

I am not automatically offended by the R word. I listen for the intent behind the word. It is the intent that offends me. I know in your situation you don't have the ability to know intent since you weren't there but usually I give the benefit of the doubt.

Sad truth of the matter is that terms referring to low IQ are constantly changing because of people using them in a derogative manner. I'm not kidding when I say my state's Medicaid waiver had three different names all in one year because they had to keep changing it to something less offensive due to the constant use of derogatory terms referring to lower IQ. Personally, I am in favor of stamping out the derision vs stamping out the terminology. Terminology in this case is the symptom and derision & dehumanization is the root cause.

As far as your feelings, assuming your child is under 3 then she is too young to know her IQ. You just need to work real hard at being okay with her IQ no matter how high or low it is going to be. I know that is easier said then done believe me. It took me a year to let a low IQ possibility finally roll off like rainwater.

She is still your child and even children who do test low are usually far brighter then tests indicate because the tests are just not well designed for children who communicate differently and process things differently.

For the first 4 years of school my son was in the lowest functioning classrooms but he has been reading for years but nobody can test him because he is nonverbal and goes into sensory meltdown the minute the school psychologist walks into the room.

Take heart even if she should have a low IQ things will be okay. I think a lot of the hurt behind the terminology can be eliminated if you just relax and understand high IQ or low IQ everything will work out in the end.
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Old 06-03-2012, 06:03 PM   #6
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The medical diagnosis is currently mentally retarded. The educational eligibility where I live is Intellectually Disabled. But just as people use 'gay' to call something stupid or girly, people use 'retarded' as an insult. I'm so sorry she said that, it is extremely insensitive, and sounds like inaccurate anyway because she doesn't have that diagnosis. That's what I would say: "Actually X currently is receiving services for developmental delay, and it is much too early for a diagnosis of mental retardation in the absence of a medical condition typically associated with cognitive impairment". It makes people feel really silly when you respond so matter of factly to their rude and insensitive statements
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Old 06-03-2012, 06:40 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keen1981
That's terrible. But I also think its terrible your mother told you that. Sometimes the mature thing to do is not pass useless information on to someone if it will cause pain.
Agreed.



my son has autism, I take offense to the R word under some circumstances. I think its ignorant. I try to overlook it with teenagers, but there's no excuse as an adult, in my opinion. If I ever heard of anyone saying retarded in reference to my son, I'd probably flip my lid.
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Old 06-04-2012, 05:27 AM   #8
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Thanks for all your kind words

My mom was very upset and she tells me everything. It did really hurt but I agree it only goes to show my sisters character and it does not define my dd. i will try to turn this into a good thing.
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Old 06-04-2012, 07:09 AM   #9
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Re: Unbelievable

Quote:
Originally Posted by mekat View Post
First of all, this is coming from the mom of a child with a low IQ. My child's genetic syndromes also have mental retardation (older genetic database so uses older medical terminology) listed under them in the Jablownski database.

I am not automatically offended by the R word. I listen for the intent behind the word. It is the intent that offends me. I know in your situation you don't have the ability to know intent since you weren't there but usually I give the benefit of the doubt.

Sad truth of the matter is that terms referring to low IQ are constantly changing because of people using them in a derogative manner. I'm not kidding when I say my state's Medicaid waiver had three different names all in one year because they had to keep changing it to something less offensive due to the constant use of derogatory terms referring to lower IQ. Personally, I am in favor of stamping out the derision vs stamping out the terminology. Terminology in this case is the symptom and derision & dehumanization is the root cause.

As far as your feelings, assuming your child is under 3 then she is too young to know her IQ. You just need to work real hard at being okay with her IQ no matter how high or low it is going to be. I know that is easier said then done believe me. It took me a year to let a low IQ possibility finally roll off like rainwater.

She is still your child and even children who do test low are usually far brighter then tests indicate because the tests are just not well designed for children who communicate differently and process things differently.

For the first 4 years of school my son was in the lowest functioning classrooms but he has been reading for years but nobody can test him because he is nonverbal and goes into sensory meltdown the minute the school psychologist walks into the room.

Take heart even if she should have a low IQ things will be okay. I think a lot of the hurt behind the terminology can be eliminated if you just relax and understand high IQ or low IQ everything will work out in the end.
I agree with all of this. My DD is too young to be tested but she may be mildly retarded. To me that is just a word. The intent behind it can be nasty, but since it wasn't first hand it's hard to say. If the intent was nasy that certainly doesn't say anything of you or your DD, it just says that the person who said it was either having a very bad day or is a jerk. If it is an older person who said it...that's very common. My grandma (and a lot of other older people) refers to people as "retarded", but not being nasty, that's just the word they used then. We have a book from the 60s that's called "Play Activites for the Retarded Child." If you can get past the name it has so many great ideas and can be used for young typical children as well. It's also all too easy to be VERY defensive about these things...I think it's the Mama bear in us, but it's not always all that benificial for the child.
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Old 06-05-2012, 07:27 PM   #10
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Re: Unbelievable

Quote:
Originally Posted by keen1981 View Post
That's terrible. But I also think its terrible your mother told you that. Sometimes the mature thing to do is not pass useless information on to someone if it will cause pain.
Agreed!
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