Updated with more info-Just wanted to share this parenting philosophy

[GreenDahlia]

Originally Posted by MommyLyssa Didn't read the whole thread, but I don't see why there can't be a balance? My children are (generally) very well behaved, and I don't feel like they have lost any sense of themselves. They all very much have their own personalities, styles, likes, dislikes, and yet, I still require obedience and respect, and we require it from them for every adult. There are times when they CAN just run around, be silly, be themselves, etc. but there are times when they also MUST behave. A lot of times, I get angry and want to hit people on the head, I want to say unkind things, and want to cover everything in tons of colors....that doesn't mean I do it. Love is only love if it IS unconditional. My children know I and their father love them completely and unconditionally. We love them when they are good and when they are...well, not. But that does not mean that just because they *want* to go jump off a high bridge, yell at an adult because they don;t want to do what they are asked, or take bottles of paint and squirt them just to see what happens, they should. I feel as parents we are to cultivate who they are and who God made them to be, while training them to be self-controlled, serving, loving, patient, kind, and considerate of others at the same time. Just my 2 cents. Who knows. Maybe I am way off from the whole thread :P All I know is that my kids are happy, well adjusted children who love to have fun, play, experiment....and I can wholly trust them and know that they will think of others first (ok, most of the time....ha! THey are NOT perfect little angels by any means), obey whatever adult they are with, and like to jump off furniture desginated by me for jumping. Hah!

I didn't post this to criticize anyone's parenting. I just felt like for me, all the options I felt were available either didn't work for us or I wasn't comfortable with them. Alfie Kohn's book just helped me re-think my expectations and how I treated my children. Of course, you should do what works for your family. I wanted to throw this out there for anyone that needed some new ideas

[mibarra]

Originally Posted by MommyLyssa Didn't read the whole thread, but I don't see why there can't be a balance? My children are (generally) very well behaved, and I don't feel like they have lost any sense of themselves. They all very much have their own personalities, styles, likes, dislikes, and yet, I still require obedience and respect, and we require it from them for every adult. There are times when they CAN just run around, be silly, be themselves, etc. but there are times when they also MUST behave. A lot of times, I get angry and want to hit people on the head, I want to say unkind things, and want to cover everything in tons of colors....that doesn't mean I do it. Love is only love if it IS unconditional. My children know I and their father love them completely and unconditionally. We love them when they are good and when they are...well, not. But that does not mean that just because they *want* to go jump off a high bridge, yell at an adult because they don;t want to do what they are asked, or take bottles of paint and squirt them just to see what happens, they should. I feel as parents we are to cultivate who they are and who God made them to be, while training them to be self-controlled, serving, loving, patient, kind, and considerate of others at the same time. Just my 2 cents. Who knows. Maybe I am way off from the whole thread :P All I know is that my kids are happy, well adjusted children who love to have fun, play, experiment....and I can wholly trust them and know that they will think of others first (ok, most of the time....ha! THey are NOT perfect little angels by any means), obey whatever adult they are with, and like to jump off furniture desginated by me for jumping. Hah!

I got the idea that's what this was about from the beginning, but maybe I'm wrong. I haven't read the book yet, but I'm interested. Curious if you have read it?

[Hope4More]

I haven't gotten that far in the book yet but it sounds promising...

[myoo]

Originally Posted by MommyLyssa Didn't read the whole thread, but I don't see why there can't be a balance? My children are (generally) very well behaved, and I don't feel like they have lost any sense of themselves. They all very much have their own personalities, styles, likes, dislikes, and yet, I still require obedience and respect, and we require it from them for every adult. There are times when they CAN just run around, be silly, be themselves, etc. but there are times when they also MUST behave. A lot of times, I get angry and want to hit people on the head, I want to say unkind things, and want to cover everything in tons of colors....that doesn't mean I do it. Love is only love if it IS unconditional. My children know I and their father love them completely and unconditionally. We love them when they are good and when they are...well, not. But that does not mean that just because they *want* to go jump off a high bridge, yell at an adult because they don;t want to do what they are asked, or take bottles of paint and squirt them just to see what happens, they should. I feel as parents we are to cultivate who they are and who God made them to be, while training them to be self-controlled, serving, loving, patient, kind, and considerate of others at the same time. Just my 2 cents. Who knows. Maybe I am way off from the whole thread :P All I know is that my kids are happy, well adjusted children who love to have fun, play, experiment....and I can wholly trust them and know that they will think of others first (ok, most of the time....ha! THey are NOT perfect little angels by any means), obey whatever adult they are with, and like to jump off furniture desginated by me for jumping. Hah!

I don't think Alfie Kohn is advocating letting your kids do whatever they want. I think his basic stance is that the "traditional" behavior management strategies are based on 1) rewards and 2) punishments like time outs, etc. and he doesn't think those are effective - they only get the child to behave temporarily and aren't really teaching them how to monitor and correct their own behavior without always having to be rewarded or punished, nor do they make the child intrinsically WANT to make good choices.

I haven't read Unconditional Parenting yet (I have read and liked his book Punished by Rewards), but here's a pretty good summary:

http://www.yanoff.org/books/synopsis...arenting.shtml

[PBAki]

Originally Posted by GreenDahlia I didn't post this to criticize anyone's parenting. I just felt like for me, all the options I felt were available either didn't work for us or I wasn't comfortable with them. Alfie Kohn's book just helped me re-think my expectations and how I treated my children. Of course, you should do what works for your family. I wanted to throw this out there for anyone that needed some new ideas

I think this is where I personally have a problem with growing up in a strict parenting style; love my parents obviously but in a way I don't want to force an issue considering our DD's personality in the same way.

Originally Posted by myoo I haven't read Unconditional Parenting yet (I have read and liked his book Punished by Rewards), but here's a pretty good summary: http://www.yanoff.org/books/synopsis...arenting.shtml

Great link, thank you.

[Hope4More]

So I'm about half way through this book, and I'm thinking I'm liking Love and Logic more. I know about knowing your parents love you no matter what- I was disciplined, and yet I still know my mom loves me. I guess in my head, I need my kid to know about real life. If you start screaming at someone in a bar or screaming at a manager at a store your prepared to get escorted out. They wont warn you that you have to the count of three. Similarly, if you take things that don't belong to you, you will be escorted out. If you get into a fist fight, guess what? Yup, you get escorted out for a LONG time (if you don't get cracked back first). If you do a good job at work? You might get a raise (or at least get to keep your job). If you do more around the house, you'll get paid more (or if your over 18, get to stay there).

Love and logic focuses on natural consequences. You were a terror and acted a fool when we all went out to dinner? Bummer- your allowance this week has to pay for a babysitter for you when we go out this week so we can hear our conversation. Maybe you can come next week? Ok, you want mommy to pick up your toys? Mommy puts things up high where she can reach them- maybe you can try picking them up tomorrow and put them where it's comfortable for you. It's important to me that my kids don't go into the world as naive as I did- that all people are good and care about your best interests, and that he learns HOW to learn from his mistakes.