Re: DD really wants to know her father
I dealt with similar questions when my daughter was about the same age. They weren't quite as persistant, which might be partly because I was engaged to DH and there was discussion about calling him Dad. Or it could be partly because we just didn't discuss dads all that much at all prior to Dh and I getting engaged.
Anyway, the conversation I had with DD started out with her asking why she didn't have a dad before. I explained that it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby. She understood boyfriend since I had obviously dated a bit (not a lot) before DH and I got married. So I explained that I had a boyfriend a long time ago and that he and I made a baby together and that baby turned out to be her. I told her that when she was growing in my belly he and I got into a fight and he went away. I explained that I didn't know exactly why he went away (which was a half truth-I broke up with him, but he was the one that chose not to be a part of her life) and that I didn't know if he would come back or not. I also told her that if he ever wanted to come see her I wouldn't stop him. In addition, because DH and I were engaged and he planned to adopt her (and has) I told her that we had him around now and that if she wanted him to be her daddy he could be. I told her she didn't have to call him daddy if she didn't want to, it was up to her, but that he would get to do all the things daddys do, like going to her softball games and taking her to school and so on.
At the time, the conversation was satisfactory to her. As she grew into the preteen years, I had to be a little more blunt and difficult, explaining that he can easily get a hold of us if he wants and he hasn't, so that's up to him. DH finally completed the adoption this year (financial problems held it up) and while that's an ending...it's not really THE end. I have tried very hard to be both neutral and completely honest. She did at one point ask why we broke up and at that time the age appropriate answer was that he was mean to me. As she grew older and more explaining was required I was able to tell her that he was verbally abusive and controlling. However, I did my best to stick to facts and tried not to let my anger and resentment color those facts. Unfortunately though, sometimes terrible facts are really just terrible facts. I never lied or hid them, just tried very hard to keep everything age appropriate and honest.