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Old 07-02-2012, 11:33 PM   #11
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Re: DD really wants to know her father

I dealt with similar questions when my daughter was about the same age. They weren't quite as persistant, which might be partly because I was engaged to DH and there was discussion about calling him Dad. Or it could be partly because we just didn't discuss dads all that much at all prior to Dh and I getting engaged.

Anyway, the conversation I had with DD started out with her asking why she didn't have a dad before. I explained that it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby. She understood boyfriend since I had obviously dated a bit (not a lot) before DH and I got married. So I explained that I had a boyfriend a long time ago and that he and I made a baby together and that baby turned out to be her. I told her that when she was growing in my belly he and I got into a fight and he went away. I explained that I didn't know exactly why he went away (which was a half truth-I broke up with him, but he was the one that chose not to be a part of her life) and that I didn't know if he would come back or not. I also told her that if he ever wanted to come see her I wouldn't stop him. In addition, because DH and I were engaged and he planned to adopt her (and has) I told her that we had him around now and that if she wanted him to be her daddy he could be. I told her she didn't have to call him daddy if she didn't want to, it was up to her, but that he would get to do all the things daddys do, like going to her softball games and taking her to school and so on.

At the time, the conversation was satisfactory to her. As she grew into the preteen years, I had to be a little more blunt and difficult, explaining that he can easily get a hold of us if he wants and he hasn't, so that's up to him. DH finally completed the adoption this year (financial problems held it up) and while that's an ending...it's not really THE end. I have tried very hard to be both neutral and completely honest. She did at one point ask why we broke up and at that time the age appropriate answer was that he was mean to me. As she grew older and more explaining was required I was able to tell her that he was verbally abusive and controlling. However, I did my best to stick to facts and tried not to let my anger and resentment color those facts. Unfortunately though, sometimes terrible facts are really just terrible facts. I never lied or hid them, just tried very hard to keep everything age appropriate and honest.

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Old 07-03-2012, 05:49 AM   #12
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I have a dead beat father, and it wasn't until I was 18 that I figured this out. I idealize my father. My mother and younger brother would hunt him down and clean him up just so he could spend my birthday with me because that is all I wanted. I was blind to what and who my father was/is.

Be honest with her, and tell her that fathers are made when children are born, but dad is a name earned. Tell her that her father right now is not ready to be a dad, and that if he changes his mind he has to earn it. Also let her know that you will explain more as she gets older. She is smarter than your seeing, and will need to be told more details as she gets older.

Also don't call him by the dad name, use his given name so she an make the distinction. This will also allow her to see that your SO is a dad not just ________ <-insert name here.

I know for years I wish my mother was more honest with me about my father.

I hope this helps..... Also remember if she is acting like this she is smart enough to understand the dynamics more that you think.
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Old 07-03-2012, 08:55 AM   #13
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Re: DD really wants to know her father

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Originally Posted by Mac & Cheeses mom View Post

Also don't call him by the dad name, use his given name so she an make the distinction. This will also allow her to see that your SO is a dad not just ________ <-insert name here.

I know for years I wish my mother was more honest with me about my father.

I hope this helps..... Also remember if she is acting like this she is smart enough to understand the dynamics more that you think.
thanks for that!
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Old 07-06-2012, 10:03 AM   #14
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Re: DD really wants to know her father

I would tell her something like - sometimes when people have kids one or both of people are not ready to be parents your daddy loves you so much but says he cant be a dad.

it seems mean but I think the false hope of him showing up one day when its so important to her and hes not going to(more then likely) is worse...
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Old 07-06-2012, 02:07 PM   #15
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Re: DD really wants to know her father

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I would tell her something like - sometimes when people have kids one or both of people are not ready to be parents your daddy loves you so much but says he cant be a dad.

it seems mean but I think the false hope of him showing up one day when its so important to her and hes not going to(more then likely) is worse...
I agree. I have decided to be honest with her (on a 5 year old level) the next time she asks about him
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Old 07-06-2012, 03:50 PM   #16
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Re: DD really wants to know her father

I think you should bring it up and not wait for her to ask. that way you can make sure to be uninterrupted and in a quiet space to talk to her. My mom was honest to me from a young age about who my biological father was. It wasnt the funnest thing to learn....that he fathered a half dozen kids and then mom moved away and he never cared to contact or send any money ever....but it was better for me to see that my mom's words and what I saw happening matched. What she told me was very little but it was still the facts. I did not idealize this person nor was I under any wishful thinking that he would be back for me some day. I am 30 and he still has never reached out to me. He knows exactly where I am and is in contact with some other extended family. My mom was not the greatest mom but she was always honest about who he was and who he wasnt and that did provide something to me and allowed me to move on, not keep waiting for something that wasnt going to happen. I think you are vastly minimizing what your daughter is capable of understanding.
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Old 07-06-2012, 09:29 PM   #17
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Re: DD really wants to know her father

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I think you should bring it up and not wait for her to ask. that way you can make sure to be uninterrupted and in a quiet space to talk to her. My mom was honest to me from a young age about who my biological father was. It wasnt the funnest thing to learn....that he fathered a half dozen kids and then mom moved away and he never cared to contact or send any money ever....but it was better for me to see that my mom's words and what I saw happening matched. What she told me was very little but it was still the facts. I did not idealize this person nor was I under any wishful thinking that he would be back for me some day. I am 30 and he still has never reached out to me. He knows exactly where I am and is in contact with some other extended family. My mom was not the greatest mom but she was always honest about who he was and who he wasnt and that did provide something to me and allowed me to move on, not keep waiting for something that wasnt going to happen. I think you are vastly minimizing what your daughter is capable of understanding.
i think your right..thank you
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Old 07-07-2012, 01:00 AM   #18
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Re: DD really wants to know her father

My neice is in the same situation. Her dad has not seen her since she was 1 and she will be 11 in August. I would say to her, "Your dad never learned how to love, but he does love you. He has a lot of guilt about not seeing you and the longer he goes without you the harder it is for him to face you. You were made out of love, and God gave you to mommy and your mommy's family".
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Old 07-07-2012, 09:31 AM   #19
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I grew up knowing that my bio dad didn't want to be in our lives, left when mom was pg. She was always very matter of fact about it. It honestly never bothered me bc I had a dad that loved me. Bio dad is the idiot who missed out imo.
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Old 07-08-2012, 03:59 PM   #20
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Re: DD really wants to know her father

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I grew up knowing that my bio dad didn't want to be in our lives, left when mom was pg. She was always very matter of fact about it. It honestly never bothered me bc I had a dad that loved me. Bio dad is the idiot who missed out imo.
good way of putting it!
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