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Old 07-12-2012, 05:49 PM   #11
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Re: Affairs (Physical and emotional)

The really sad thing is i feel that IM the one wanting out now....he has made me feel this way....feel that i have done everything i can.....Only a few members of his family know about affairs and i feel this is the reason he is not asking for a divorce. He doesn't want to look like the bad guy. He having the affairs then he asking for a divorce....

I also have 2 boys who will eventually grow up (not from me wishing that, i want them to be little forever) and will eventually be husbands and fathers. This is not the example i want them to follow. They need to know that it is NOT ok the commit adultry. It is NOT ok to disrespect your wife. AND that is is NOT ok to sin against GOD!! (and then not repent)

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Old 07-12-2012, 05:54 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Dillysmum
The really sad thing is i feel that IM the one wanting out now....he has made me feel this way....feel that i have done everything i can.....Only a few members of his family know about affairs and i feel this is the reason he is not asking for a divorce. He doesn't want to look like the bad guy. He having the affairs then he asking for a divorce....

I also have 2 boys who will eventually grow up (not from me wishing that, i want them to be little forever) and will eventually be husbands and fathers. This is not the example i want them to follow. They need to know that it is NOT ok the commit adultry. It is NOT ok to disrespect your wife. AND that is is NOT ok to sin against GOD!! (and then not repent)
You're right. It's not ok. And it's unfortunate that this is the example he is setting for his sons.
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Old 07-12-2012, 10:38 PM   #13
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Re: Affairs (Physical and emotional)

i would leave. tho not in your position, i am a pretty independant person. if someone is not going to commit to me and only me im better off doing it alone. its hard when you have children im sure but eventually your sons will know whats going on and like one of the PP said what kind of example is your husband setting for them? easier said then done im sure. I have never been married altho in a serious relationship and if my other half cheated and showed no remorse and "checked out" not wanting to discuss it thats a def sign that he is not in it to win it
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Old 07-12-2012, 10:41 PM   #14
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Re: Affairs (Physical and emotional)

This website is an incredible resource: www.marriagebuilders.com

When he is faced with the reality of losing his family theremay be a change of heart. Don't give up hope. Prayers headed your way.
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Old 07-13-2012, 08:31 AM   #15
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Re: Affairs (Physical and emotional)

I think that before you begin divorce proceedings, you should talk to a counselor (if he won't go with you, then you go alone). Just for your own peace of mind, to sort out your feelings before making such a huge decision.
Hugs.
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Old 07-13-2012, 02:32 PM   #16
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Re: Affairs (Physical and emotional)

I'm sorry, Dillysmum, that you're going through this. It's so hard, especially when it feels that so much of the situation is totally out of your control. I, too, think MC would be worth a shot...even if you have to go by yourself first... just to have a fresh perspective and some unbiased advice. Do you have anyone outside your family/friends you can go to, perhaps a Pastor? If you'd like to try talking to a counselor by phone (for free), I know you can call the counseling department at Focus on the Family (855-771-4357). I work for Focus and have used the counseling services myself and found them to be very kind and helpful. Anyway, might be worth a shot at least to get a professional's opinion on what to do next.

Hang in there and try to take it a day at a time. I'll be praying, too, that God will give you clear direction as you make these decisions. Keep us posted, ok?
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Old 07-13-2012, 02:55 PM   #17
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I agree with trying counseling. In the meantime I'd also try getting a job, even if it's just evening/weekends when he can watch the LO's. I'll be praying for your family.
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Old 07-14-2012, 04:52 AM   #18
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Re: Affairs (Physical and emotional)

"The 5 Love Languages" is a good book. I highly suggest it...I'm not advocating staying in a relationship like this but it does help you think about ways you can reach him emotionally. "After the Affair" is a good book to read if he comes around and wants to work things out.

Ultimately, do what you can but he's not willing to give it a good effort then you need to prepare yourself. Find a job, speak with a lawyer or counselor, put away money. Do you have family who can help you get on your feet? Prepare for the worse, hope for the best is all I can say...

I've BTDT, mama...my husband decided to pull his head out of his butt and it's been a long road of healing for both us, but we've learned a lot and hopefully we never ever have to endure this kind of pain again.
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Old 07-15-2012, 06:36 PM   #19
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Re: Affairs (Physical and emotional)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dillysmum View Post
The really sad thing is i feel that IM the one wanting out now....he has made me feel this way....feel that i have done everything i can.....Only a few members of his family know about affairs and i feel this is the reason he is not asking for a divorce. He doesn't want to look like the bad guy. He having the affairs then he asking for a divorce....

I also have 2 boys who will eventually grow up (not from me wishing that, i want them to be little forever) and will eventually be husbands and fathers. This is not the example i want them to follow. They need to know that it is NOT ok the commit adultry. It is NOT ok to disrespect your wife. AND that is is NOT ok to sin against GOD!! (and then not repent)
I hope that your DH has some sort of ephiphany and sees the error of his ways for your sake and the sake of the children. I hope that you two can read books and go to counseling and work things out because you both want to make it work. However, you are NOT the bad guy in this. You shouldn't for one second make yourself think that you are. He is the one who started all of this so everything that transpires thereafter is because of his choices. If you feel that you want out, it's not because you are doing anything wrong - it's because of things that HE did wrong. I hate to think that anyone would beat themselves up over the other spouse cheating, kwim? Even if he doesn't choose to work things out, I think you should see a professional to work out your feelings. You and your children deserve the best.
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:29 PM   #20
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Re: Affairs (Physical and emotional)

Hugs mama!!!

I agree with most PPs. You cannot do it alone, he has to be on board. There have been terrible times in my marriage, but both DH and I have wanted to work it out, so while it's been difficult, it worked. If he's not really there, it's out of your hands. You deserve to be happy and be with someone who respects you.

If you do get serious about leaving, he may come around. He might have just gotten used to taking you for granted. Seeing you getting ready to leave might wake him up!

If not you know that leaving is best for you and for your boys. You need to set good examples for them, and him cheating and you allowing it will not do that for them.

Good luck! and if it helps you to talk to a licensed therapist, I definitely concur with that! If you can talk to a therapist you'll know you explored every option and will be in a better place emotionally to handle what comes next.
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