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Old 07-17-2012, 08:05 AM   #1
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Mom staying with us, help me think

** I think this needs to go in Pregnancy Forum, I don't know how it ended up in this one!

I had a plan in place before we even tried to conceive. I was going to leave the girls for a day or two with a friend, then pick them up after we'd been home for a day. DH will be off work for the first week or two, no problem. I know between neighbors and friends we'll have people coming to drop off meals, and take the girls for a little while at a time, but I had kinda planned no long-term visitors for the first week. After that, I was sure that DH's cousin would come for a weekend, and my parents would come down for a week or two. I have no problem with either of them coming for long stays. But I really want that first week alone with just us *5*.

Back up - just a week before my DD2 was born, MIL came to live with us. She and DH weren't on great terms but he was willing to try again, and she had nowhere else to live, but had an apt lined up down the road. Just needed a few extra weeks with us until apt was ready. It wasn't the worst situation ever, but I'd only met her twice before, she wasn't good with the kids, she and DH argued a lot, and I just didn't want her in my home. Good thing was since DH didn't like her, he had no problem setting rules and boundaries to keep her out of our way and in her own guest room.

Now my sister is planning to come visit mid-August. My mom *offered* to come down with her and stay through the end of August and beginning of September (I'm due Sept 1st but realistic that it might be a week or two after that). She said it would be a good way for her to get into our routine, so that she could watch the girls in our own home while I give birth and help afterwards. Then, when my dad comes to visit the week after the baby, she would go home with him. So she'd be here 3 - 4 weeks, maybe longer, depending on exact due-date etc.

I'm not against my Mom coming down. That's just a really long time though. DH isn't fond of her but they get along. My mom knows enough to stay out of way when she senses we need privacy. I think the kids would enjoy going to friend's house more than staying with Grandma (she's not really a hand-on grandma, doesn't get down and play). But she's right that she would have a chance to get into routine, and friend wouldn't. I don't want to put friend out, she already has 4 kids but has said frequently that she wants 6, so I know she'd love the opportunity. But that doesn't make it easier - she can't understand my kids and doesn't know their particular preferences as well. Her older 2 are in school, how is she going to fit all 6 kids, even if just one or two mornings, to get her kids to school? Lots of little questions like that .

Help me think through pros and cons of having mom come here for that long.

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Old 07-23-2012, 03:34 PM   #2
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Re: Mom staying with us, help me think

I've had both my mother and my MIL stay with us after birth and neither did a particularly good job. What I found that I needed/wanted was someone to just DO stuff around the house without being asked. See a pile of dishes? Do them and put them away. See the laundry? Do it. Is it suppertime in 30 minutes? Make something. Don't ask me what you can do. Don't ask me what to make for supper. Don't sit there and watch me bathe and dress the kids all by myself a day after getting home frome the hospital. Gah! Needless to say, no one is staying with us this time unless I find myself in a dire condition requiring help.

I guess what I'm saying is that if your mother isn't a self-starter, have a list of things for her to do at the ready. Four weeks is a long time to endure a private hell if things get off to a rocky start.
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Old 07-23-2012, 08:53 PM   #3
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Re: Mom staying with us, help me think

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I've had both my mother and my MIL stay with us after birth and neither did a particularly good job. What I found that I needed/wanted was someone to just DO stuff around the house without being asked. See a pile of dishes? Do them and put them away. See the laundry? Do it. Is it suppertime in 30 minutes? Make something. Don't ask me what you can do. Don't ask me what to make for supper. Don't sit there and watch me bathe and dress the kids all by myself a day after getting home frome the hospital. Gah! Needless to say, no one is staying with us this time unless I find myself in a dire condition requiring help.

I guess what I'm saying is that if your mother isn't a self-starter, have a list of things for her to do at the ready. Four weeks is a long time to endure a private hell if things get off to a rocky start.


Everything she said. I have had my mom come twice. My sister is here this time. Both are the "you go sit and rest, I will do X,Y,Z." They ask for an explanation on how to do laundry, dishes, what cleaning supplies I use, kids allergies, etc. the FIRST day they get here. They clean things that I haven't gotten to in months (or sometimes years ) etc. My mom even cleaned the walls, baseboards and touched up paint the last time she was here!

When there was a chance that we would have no one to help, my husband offered to have MIL come to help. I told him I'd rather have him go on a year long trip the day after the birth and leave me alone with all the kids than have her in my house!

Think about whether this person is really going to be helpful or whether you will have to entertain them. Helpful people stay. Unhelpful people get sent on their way. If you don't think she will be able to handle you possibly exploding, screaming, crying and throwing an absolute tantrum, then she might not be the best choice. I've had a few of those post partum tantrums and thankfully my mom's response was, "Having a new baby is hard." After the tantrum was over, we never spoke of it again.
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Old 07-23-2012, 09:46 PM   #4
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Re: Mom staying with us, help me think

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Originally Posted by badmisterkitty View Post
I've had both my mother and my MIL stay with us after birth and neither did a particularly good job. What I found that I needed/wanted was someone to just DO stuff around the house without being asked. See a pile of dishes? Do them and put them away. See the laundry? Do it. Is it suppertime in 30 minutes? Make something. Don't ask me what you can do. Don't ask me what to make for supper. Don't sit there and watch me bathe and dress the kids all by myself a day after getting home frome the hospital. Gah! Needless to say, no one is staying with us this time unless I find myself in a dire condition requiring help.
This sounds just like my husband. I will have to beg for anything to get done. When I got home from the hospital after being in a coma for a month I came home to 7 loads of laundry that needed folded and put away, dirty dishes, a bathroom that hadn't been cleaned since I had gotten sick, and the expectation that I was going to be able to take care of our 7 month old by myself. Needless to say I was a home care patient at the time, on PT, had a visiting nurse, was on a 10LB weight restriction, and had just learned how to walk again. Still no help from him. So lets see how things go this time.
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Old 07-24-2012, 10:34 AM   #5
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This sounds just like my husband. I will have to beg for anything to get done. When I got home from the hospital after being in a coma for a month I came home to 7 loads of laundry that needed folded and put away, dirty dishes, a bathroom that hadn't been cleaned since I had gotten sick, and the expectation that I was going to be able to take care of our 7 month old by myself. Needless to say I was a home care patient at the time, on PT, had a visiting nurse, was on a 10LB weight restriction, and had just learned how to walk again. Still no help from him. So lets see how things go this time.
Your DH needs a kick in the a**.

Sent from my DROID X2 using DS Forum. That means my typing is probably awful. I'm sorry.
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Old 07-26-2012, 07:25 PM   #6
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Re: Mom staying with us, help me think

I personally would not have anyone in my home for that long. Way, way too long of a visit when all I want is my space and to labor and recuperate the way I want. It's really important for it to be just us 5 for the first few weeks as well so we told everyone to stay away for at least the first month. I did hire a doula, cleaning and childcare services this time and we are SO glad. I don't need to entertain people, I need people to do stuff for ME. There are no hurt feelings or broken expectations when you're paying someone. I would tell them that that is just too long and you will see them after you all have had time to settle in.
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Old 07-27-2012, 01:27 PM   #7
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My mom will be with us at least 3 wks, and more if I want. She is the best helper and great w/ the kids.
I wish everyone had that! I so appreciate her.
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Old 07-29-2012, 12:34 PM   #8
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Re: Mom staying with us, help me think

My mom is coming for the first time BEFORE (hopefully) baby. She is great at just doing household stuff and cooking. I am also planning to have a list of things for her to do (or anybody else who comes and wants to 'help'). I also put together a folder with all of the routine info she might need. That way, she won't have to ask me how to wash the diapers and what the boys like to eat for meals and snacks or where anything for them is located. It's all in the folder. Plus, having someone here beforehand helps the kids get used to them doing all of the stuff my hubby and I usually do.

I say if you get along well and you know she is willing to do what you NEED and not what she wants, it should be nice. I am so glad I don't have to worry about when to call my friend (who watched ds1, when I had ds2) so she would get here in time. That made labor more stressful (and painful).

Hope that helps. And good luck!
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Old 07-29-2012, 06:12 PM   #9
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No one staying with us. Pretty much everyone I know (family included) would be more work than help. And I don't feel like I'm gonna wanna entertain while recovering and bonding and trying to figure out being mom to more than one youngster.
You ladies that have guests coming are BRAVE, in my opinion.
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Old 07-29-2012, 06:21 PM   #10
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No one staying with us. Pretty much everyone I know (family included) would be more work than help. And I don't feel like I'm gonna wanna entertain while recovering and bonding and trying to figure out being mom to more than one youngster.
You ladies that have guests coming are BRAVE, in my opinion.
That.
My friend from out of state is doula-ing for me so she'll stay here, but i think thats entirely differeny, mostly because she isnt the 'older relative showing up to take over' style. In fact, her and i have discussed extensively how much i do NOT want anyone 'intruding' my household.
DF keeps talking about having his mom and myriad of aunts stop to help but honestly it just skeeves me out and annoys me. My house, my systems. Not to mention, i feel like they want to 'stop and help' in a 'oh looky a new baby' kind of way rather than actually helping with the older kids or housework.

Sent from my DROID X2 using DS Forum. That means my typing is probably awful. I'm sorry.
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