Me and my daughter dont get along!

[EmilytheStrange]

No real advice except that I liked the book 'Parent effectiveness Training'. It really handles how to talk and listen to find out the core of why they are acting like that. And helps you learn to speak in a way that encourages them to have a genuine conversation with you.

Good luck!

[Bear Family]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF it matters because the reason why she didn't want to open it could be opening the door to the types of situations where they get into these mother/daughter battles. Saying no becuase she's in the middle of a getting dinner ready is different than saying no because the dd has been asking for things all day. But she only said she'd rather ride her bike after you'd questioned her. Learning to stick up for yourself is a big part of her next year. If she is turning 9 I am going to guess she's in Grade 3/4. there is something about this age that I have seen happen over and over and over in the schools(and with my own kids who are thankfully getting out of this age). They have a group of friends that you wonder why they're friends when they don't seem to ever get along with each other. There is quite a bit of testing what friendship means to them. Her friends may change over the next year or 2. There will be times she is the one who is leading and times she is following. If she is never leading she may just be a follower or she may start to gravitate to other kids who allow her to lead too. There is a huge hormone change starting around now which is why you are seeing a change in her attitude. It doesn't mean she is going to start growing breasts or getting her period but there are subtle "behind the scenes" hormone/puberty changes going on and it does lead into the rest of teenagehood. However she is starting to try to be more mature(even though it seems completely the opposite) and independent. Giving her more freedom can help her attitude towards you. Teach her how to open her scooter herself. Give her some time to herself, with the clothes from camp it would have been okay to let her get in the house & re-setted with the family before asking her to do that chore. She was probably anxious to see the others but instead was met with chores. She probably didn't get alot of sleep at camp, was active and if she was picked up at 6 probably hungry.

Thank you for your response...I have color coded mine in respnse to yours.

I see what you are saying...but that is not really how it happened. I was folding laundry when she asked...that is not the reason I said no. I asked why in the first place, like I said, because I thought her bike was broke again. When she answered the way she did...it got to me, she admitted to me that she would rather not ride it, and would prefer to ride her bike, since she said that, and we have been trying to show her lately that she can still make her own decisions and don't have to do what her friends do I told her to do what she wanted and ride her bike.

This is exactly the case. They argue all the time...Jera will be down there playing and then come home and say Lux doesnt want to be her friend anymore. The girls are sisters and have an older brother (who Jera doesnt get along w/ at all) and of course when the brother picks on her, they argue and then the sisters take his side. I have tried to explain it to her but since her brother is so young still she just doesn't get it yet.

She was 2 hours late getting to the bus since it broke down, which is why I asked it be done when we got home since we were already 2 hours behind schedule and also because Jax and dad were running errends and she would have time to do it then and then be able to visit when they got home. I also explained this to her in the car, I gave her a reason, which I typically think I don't need to, as her mother, I should just say it needs to be done and she shouldn't question me about it. Also, she wasn't hungry, he stopped and had dinner.

[dancermommy1]

Hi mama. Girls are hard. I'm not mom to one, but I AM one. We all know girls are hard!! Or we should! We are complicated creatures. I have no advice other than to say its normal for mom and daughter to bump heads. Hopefully when she's 25 or so she'll be your friend again

[CarrieMF]

This is exactly the case. They argue all the time...Jera will be down there playing and then come home and say Lux doesnt want to be her friend anymore. The girls are sisters and have an older brother (who Jera doesnt get along w/ at all) and of course when the brother picks on her, they argue and then the sisters take his side. I have tried to explain it to her but since her brother is so young still she just doesn't get it yet.

This does pass, hang in there.lol when the girls get into these squabbles try to let them figure it out on their own. You can offer suggestions(ie, taking a break from playing with each other for a few days, playing with a different friend, etc) Just word it so that she has choices without it seeming like you are telling her what to do(even if she picks an option that isn't the best one).

When I was working in an elementary school every day the Grade 3 girls(and half the time the Grade 4 girls) would do this stuff. Every day it was the same thing, over the same issue and often went from recess to recess to recess. It would get to a point where I'd just look at them and tell them that they seemed to be having a rough time getting along this recess, perhaps it would be a good idea to go play by themselves or find someone else to play with and next recess see if things were better. TG I am at the highschool this year.lol

I should just say it needs to be done and she shouldn't question me about it.

This typically doesn't work, unless they're in a helpful mood. If they are not in a helpful mood it will never work, they will find fault with it & start to argue just because they can. Don't feed the dragons when they start doing this. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and remind yourself all the reasons why you wanted kids in the first place.lol I find giving them a timeline to do something works better than the do it because i said so. Kinda like when they were 2-3 and you may have given them warnings that you were leaving a playdate/park.

oh, forgot this earlier. If she slams doors - take it off. Doors can be earned back. We just moved to a house we had built and the girls were warned months ago that if they slammed a door once it was gone.

[chandni3]

My daughter is a baby so I haven't been where you are, but I was lent the book, "Hold on to your Kids" http://www.amazon.ca/Hold-On-Your-Ki.../dp/0676974724 by a friend with 6 kids and one on the way who was also a foster parent. They were required to read this book in their training and she highly recommended it and I really like it too. He also has a lecture you can get on DVD.

[Happy Mommax4]

I'm rt there w ya! Our ODD just turned 13, it's been a very hard last 5 yrs or so. I've listened to alot of ppl and done things w my daughter to deal w what you're describing, wish I would've listened to my gut!

Best thing I learned was that I can't really change/control someone else but I can control my responses to things. I learned that I was really feeding into this.

Things are much better now, we try and be very interested loving, positive, and not give her the reaction she wants when she's having a meltdown. Also I don't step into her vertex! When she's trying to bait me into some lame argument.

Be as black and white as possible w your expectations and your own emotions, meaning don't hold grudges, be passive aggressive or resentful.

Also try giving her some of the control.

We read love and logic-helpful.

Sorry for the novel but I remind myself of these things daily just to try and keep the peace around here!

[Bear Family]

Thank you all for your responses...I know it is me too...It is so hard sometimes to try to explain it to her, to make her get it.

[pumkinsmommy]

It seems like you are an instigator. If her friend wanted to ride scooters and that prompted your daughter to want to do so, why was it a big deal. Children often want to play and will do what the other kid wants just so they can do something together. If you regularly engage her this way then she is probably learning it from you.

[Bear Family]

Originally Posted by pumkinsmommy It seems like you are an instigator. If her friend wanted to ride scooters and that prompted your daughter to want to do so, why was it a big deal. Children often want to play and will do what the other kid wants just so they can do something together. If you regularly engage her this way then she is probably learning it from you.

Nope, not an instigator. As I said before, I only happened to ask since I thought the bike was broke again then she said she would rather ride her bike. Now if she had said she actually wanted to ride her scooter then it wouldn't have been an issue. We have been trying to teach/show her than she can be her own person while still playing with her friends and doesn't have to always do what they want to do.

[pumkinsmommy]

Originally Posted by Bear Family Nope, not an instigator. As I said before, I only happened to ask since I thought the bike was broke again then she said she would rather ride her bike. Now if she had said she actually wanted to ride her scooter then it wouldn't have been an issue. We have been trying to teach/show her than she can be her own person while still playing with her friends and doesn't have to always do what they want to do.

If you made her do housework for hours because she told her friend you were lazy then there is a major power issue here. Yes you have supreme power over her and can make her do what you want, ie the housework. But with this mentality you are not going to get what you really want which is a better attitude. You can't treat her that way and expect a different result. This will not change until you recognize the real issue. I am not trying to be mean I have just seen this before IRL which is why I recognized it easily.