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Old 08-08-2012, 10:02 AM   #21
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it matters because the reason why she didn't want to open it could be opening the door to the types of situations where they get into these mother/daughter battles. Saying no becuase she's in the middle of a getting dinner ready is different than saying no because the dd has been asking for things all day..
I get that. And I am usually of the mindset that I'll agree unless I can't (I'm busy, its not safe, financial barrier, etc). But I feel very strongly that not EVERY answer needs a reason. As the adult I reserve the right to say no and when I do, I don't want to be questioned. I am respectful of my children as people but I don't think that means I have to explain myself all the time. I certainly don't want them to grow up thinking they can't ever question authority but I definitely think there is a line where the ol' because I am the adult and I said so' is acceptable. I know that's not the popular opinion but it's how I feel.

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Old 08-08-2012, 11:00 AM   #22
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Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!

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If you made her do housework for hours because she told her friend you were lazy then there is a major power issue here. Yes you have supreme power over her and can make her do what you want, ie the housework. But with this mentality you are not going to get what you really want which is a better attitude. You can't treat her that way and expect a different result. This will not change until you recognize the real issue. I am not trying to be mean I have just seen this before IRL which is why I recognized it easily.
Oh sorry, I should have clarified...I didn't pick a time frame for her to do house work. What I said to her was she can do her chores, then mine since accordinging to her I am too 'lazy'. Hers were put her folded pile of clothes away, clean her chinchilla cage, her room and put the dishes away. Mine were to put all the other people's (mine dh & Jax) and household laundry away, load the dishwasher, vacuum and clean the front bathroom. The reason it took her so long is becuase she wanted to continue to argue about it, get sidetracked and watch TV with her brother or mope around the house and lollygag, like it was going to make a difference if she pouted.

What is the 'real' issue...I have a control issue?

I thought it was that my dd is a pita, who wont listen, is rude, disrespectful and whines or throws fits like a toddler over everything. And because of all that, and how long I have 'picked my battles' it has done nothing but get worse, I am utterly sick of it now and trying to change it.
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Old 08-08-2012, 11:15 AM   #23
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No real advice since my kids are still little, but just a thought. When I was a kid and I would slam the door, my mom finally got sick of it, and took my door off its hinges and stapeled a sheet to my door frame. I learned that lesson quickly. We've already taken it from my 4 year old ds, and now all we have to do is threaten again every 2 month or so, and no more door slamming!

Making her shut it until she quits, just gives her more chances to be defiant. You can't control her actions, but you can control her opportunities to slam the door!
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Old 08-08-2012, 11:17 AM   #24
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whew I truly get your frustration. however you must manage your expectations, if my kid calls me lazy I just chuckle and walk away. lolly gagging, whining, etc. normal 9yo behavior. my daughter (acting just like yours!!! worse most likely) really made me look at myself and how I treated her and others and also my expectations of her. we have three younger children, 8yr plus gap, I was treating her like an adult expecting her to take on the burden, not her problem! I mean she can help but she's a child. again not saying u do this.

I think a lotta xs kids are a symptom of their environment, our whole family/household had to change. it's possibly a family dynamic issue.

I do agree though, on some primal level children must listen/respect.

again, many hugs this isn't easy
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Old 08-08-2012, 11:29 AM   #25
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Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!

Parenting is hard. I was the perfect mother until I had a child. Another suggestion is to not micro-manage her friendships. Unless you see that she is really getting hurt or very sad, let her figure out on her own how to handle things. You can give bits of advice of course, but what happened with the whole bike/scooter thing caused a big to do for everyone. All she wanted to do was play with a friend. Even if it was not her first choice, sometimes kids don't care.
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Old 08-08-2012, 11:50 AM   #26
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Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!

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Originally Posted by pumkinsmommy View Post
If you made her do housework for hours because she told her friend you were lazy then there is a major power issue here. Yes you have supreme power over her and can make her do what you want, ie the housework. But with this mentality you are not going to get what you really want which is a better attitude. You can't treat her that way and expect a different result. This will not change until you recognize the real issue. I am not trying to be mean I have just seen this before IRL which is why I recognized it easily.

I asked my daughter what response would be reasonable in this situation. She is 13 right now. She thinks it would be totally fair and just what this Mama did. Her suggestion was to also ground the daughter.

If you tolerate disrespect it only encourages it. I don't feel she was at all unjust towards her child and neither does my 13 year old. Teaching your children there are unpleasant consequences for bad attitude and disrespectful behavior is a parents job. If you fail to do this you are failing your child and setting them up for failure when they get out in the real world. This attitude would get her fired at work. Right now it gets Mama mad. Fine mama. Loves her and tries to correct it. At work no one loves you. Certainly they will not tolerate it.
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Old 08-08-2012, 11:59 AM   #27
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Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!

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I asked my daughter what response would be reasonable in this situation. She is 13 right now. She thinks it would be totally fair and just what this Mama did. Her suggestion was to also ground the daughter.

If you tolerate disrespect it only encourages it. I don't feel she was at all unjust towards her child and neither does my 13 year old. Teaching your children there are unpleasant consequences for bad attitude and disrespectful behavior is a parents job. If you fail to do this you are failing your child and setting them up for failure when they get out in the real world. This attitude would get her fired at work. Right now it gets Mama mad. Fine mama. Loves her and tries to correct it. At work no one loves you. Certainly they will not tolerate it.
Thank you!

Now...can I borrow your daughter for a week so my daughter can see how to behave?
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Old 08-08-2012, 12:03 PM   #28
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I agree but not all kids are the same, I as an adult have to choose not to get into a bickering fest w my ODD for my sanity and the happiness of my other kids.

I swear our DDs must have been twins or something, strong handed techniques dont always work for us, trust me my hubby n I've tried
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Old 08-08-2012, 12:13 PM   #29
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I asked my daughter what response would be reasonable in this situation. She is 13 right now. She thinks it would be totally fair and just what this Mama did. Her suggestion was to also ground the daughter.

If you tolerate disrespect it only encourages it. I don't feel she was at all unjust towards her child and neither does my 13 year old. Teaching your children there are unpleasant consequences for bad attitude and disrespectful behavior is a parents job. If you fail to do this you are failing your child and setting them up for failure when they get out in the real world. This attitude would get her fired at work. Right now it gets Mama mad. Fine mama. Loves her and tries to correct it. At work no one loves you. Certainly they will not tolerate it.
I agree. Tolerating it now, sets the tone that it is tolerated tater.

Op, I think there are multiple aspects here. First, if your dd wanted to let her friend use the ride-on thing then so be it, it was her choice after all and she can learn that all choices have consequences of some sort. Maybe she would have realized on her own that she really did want it and next time she won't agree to something she doesn't want to do. We can't micro manage them. Secondly, you said no and that is that. Her reaction toward you was rude an disrespectful and I think you handled it perfectly. You let her know that regardless of your answer, disrespect isn't tolerated.
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Old 08-08-2012, 12:16 PM   #30
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I agree but not all kids are the same, I as an adult have to choose not to get into a bickering fest w my ODD for my sanity and the happiness of my other kids.

I swear our DDs must have been twins or something, strong handed techniques dont always work for us, trust me my hubby n I've tried
There are times I also just avoid it to spare my other kids from my 7yo ds tantrums. Like when the baby is napping.
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