Me and my daughter dont get along!

[Bear Family]

Originally Posted by Michelle_M Slamming the door: My step dad told me "The next time you slam that door you'll loose it." And sure enough, I slammed the door and he took it off the hinges and put it in the storage shed. I didn't have a bedroom door for about two weeks. If I didn't give my mom my laundry when she asked for it, she said "Fine, I'm not going to wash it, you can do it yourself." Yep, I eventually ran out of clothes. Then my clothes pile was big enough that when I VERY POLITELY asked my mom to do my laundry she said "No, I have other laundry to do. You want clean clothes, wash them yourself." And guess what, I washed my clothes myself. Didn't want to clean up my room? My step dad gave me until a certain day. Said if it wasn't clean by the time I left for school the next morning, he'd go in and clean it for me, with a trash bag. Came home to find A LOT of my stuff missing (he actually put the trash bag in the shed, and just let me THINK he threw my stuff away.. .after a week of keeping my room clean he gave me my stuff back. Told me that next time he'd throw it away for real. Called my mom lazy ONCE. Her response... next time I asked her to do something for me, her response was "Oh I'm sorry, I'm too lazy." And guess what all that taught me in my house.... to treat my parents with the respect that they deserved, because to GET respect, you have to EARN it by being respectful to everyone else in the family. Good luck. God bless!

Yes, I agree well said.

I never have had my door removed, but I did have my toys removed. We have also done this with Jera in the past, but it has been a while. Laundry...I threaten it all the time, but I have a fancy HE washer that is even hard for me to figure out, seriously, I have to leave myself notes on which cycle name for which load, and I wont even let DH touch it. But I was doing my own laundry at 11 so if this keeps up for that long she will surely find herself in a pile of laundry. For now, I am ok with me washing, folding and her putting her's away.

[Bear Family]

Originally Posted by musicalisa OP, I also have a 9 year-old daughter and I teach 9 year-olds LOL... I am surrounded by the kind of behavior you describe! I know what you're talking about. One of the things that has worked a little with my daughter is discussing expectations *before* something happens, and also setting boundaries (i.e. if she wants to whine and mope and cry that's fine - but she has to go do it in her room with the door closed). I can't even imagine what puberty is going to be like...

Yes, I agree...I have been doing this. Like today, she was playing with her brother's toy (she picked it up when he went to the bathroom) when he came back, naturally he wanted it back. The attitude started within seconds. No, I want to play with it, in the most annoying voice ever. I told her to give it back, she ignored me and continued playing. I just looked at her and said I asked you to give it back, you can play with it later, don't pout, don't grump, don't argue, just give it back and be done with it. She did...and the issue was done, but see, that's part of the problem even though I am glad that it wasn't a bigger isue, I hate that I had to say it twice, for the time being I am fine with saying 'this is what I expect...and then what I want' But I still think I should just be able to say it, and it be done.

[AHIAMOM]

A few weeks ago I was considering asking for advice about my 13 and 14 yo dds. They were so full of attitude I seriously couldn't stand them. Finally I snapped at them both (on separate days, alone). I told each one that although I really love them, I don't like them, at all! I explained to them that the only time that I see them is when they come out of thier caves and give me attitiude or treat me with total disrespect. I started out the conversation talking to them angry because I couldn't take it anymore. I swear once they heard the words "I don't like you" it got thier attention and they listened. I went on to explain to them that they are not giving me anything to like. I explained how much I miss how we used to talk and how they used to be sweet and nice and pleasant. I made it clear that I want to see more of them and I want to see thier good side occassionally. I stressed that I LOVE them, but that I just don't like them. I know there are probably plenty of mamas on here that now think I am the worst mom in the world but guess what? They are behaving! It turns out they want thier mom to like them enough to work on thier behavior. They have improved so much my DH just commented to me yesterday about how well they were all behaving. He never seems to notice those kinds of things so the change has been huge. They have both been spending far more time out of thier rooms. They follow me around like puppy dogs all day long talking to me. My 14 yo has been climbing in my bed in the morning for wake up cuddles. I have my happy, loving girls back. I do tend to be very real with my kids though and I don't downplay conversations with them. Maybe if you were really honest with your dd she would see that her actions are having serious consequences that she doesn't want and that she has the power to change it. That is what worked for me at least.

[irishmama2]

Oh, the age of nine......
My DD is 13. We still have a few moments but they're much fewer and much farther between. Stand your ground. Along with trying to figure out who she is, she's also trying to figure you out and how far she can push you. It's a tough road mama but you can do it.

Pick your battles, have patience, be consistant in your rules, and love her.

I make it a point at least once a day to tell DD that I'm proud of her for XYZ or genuinely thank her for something she's done, no matter how small.
Oh, and really hug her at least once daily.

[Umm_Ibraheem]

my children are 3yrs old and 22 months but this terrifies me. I know the pick your battles has been thrown around and I'm still learning that. SUBBING!

[pumkinsmommy]

Originally Posted by Michelle_M Slamming the door: My step dad told me "The next time you slam that door you'll loose it." And sure enough, I slammed the door and he took it off the hinges and put it in the storage shed. I didn't have a bedroom door for about two weeks. If I didn't give my mom my laundry when she asked for it, she said "Fine, I'm not going to wash it, you can do it yourself." Yep, I eventually ran out of clothes. Then my clothes pile was big enough that when I VERY POLITELY asked my mom to do my laundry she said "No, I have other laundry to do. You want clean clothes, wash them yourself." And guess what, I washed my clothes myself. Didn't want to clean up my room? My step dad gave me until a certain day. Said if it wasn't clean by the time I left for school the next morning, he'd go in and clean it for me, with a trash bag. Came home to find A LOT of my stuff missing (he actually put the trash bag in the shed, and just let me THINK he threw my stuff away.. .after a week of keeping my room clean he gave me my stuff back. Told me that next time he'd throw it away for real. Called my mom lazy ONCE. Her response... next time I asked her to do something for me, her response was "Oh I'm sorry, I'm too lazy." And guess what all that taught me in my house.... to treat my parents with the respect that they deserved, because to GET respect, you have to EARN it by being respectful to everyone else in the family. Good luck. God bless!

I think all of these were appropriate ways to handle discipline--nothing personal just pay the piper.

[HugeBabyBoy]

Picking your battles and not getting your point across and/or as a parent feeling like you're not getting respect after letting a handful of items slide is frustrating, but it can also breed an increasing frustration and resentment.

My two cents: It may be helpful for you (and DD) need to evaluate your dynamic. Begin evaluating what's inciting the conflicts, look at how you react and also how she responds to your instructions/authority. Where is the issue? Is it truly a power struggle? Does she feel you dictate chores/tasks but don't engage with her in many other positives aspects?

An issue was a scooter versus a bike... pointing out to her that if she wanted to ride her bike she should stand up for herself. In this case, this is what you wanted was to guide her and encourage her to do what she actually wanted... You saw it as a teachable moment. However, it seems she felt you pushed her to stand up for herself, when in reality she just wanted to do what her friend was doing. There's give an take in relationships. It is possible that she was navigating her friendship, but in a different way then you saw the situation... I'll ride my scooter this time, but maybe the next time she played, she would have ridden her bike, or it might have taken her 5 times before she felt comfortable with riding the bike.

Each child will get to each milestone in their own time and in their way. As parents, we want to seem them succeed, be strong and confident. As children, we want to fit in with peers. These instances with her might need more encouragement in a manner that she accepts as advice versus the more parental role of "do this/do it this way".

If you can step back and review the situations which arise, you might find you learn more about her... what gets her to respond as expected/appropriately and what pushes toward disrespectful. These indicators can help you tweak your interactions toward reinforcing your goals of raising and guiding a confident young girl through the awkward hormone filled years, while also achieving the respect you deserve. The bonus will be a stronger, happier relationship for both of you.

It's so important to talk to kids (and anyone we have deep relationships with). By investing the time to openly discuss expectations, behaviors and consequences, we open the door to starting anew -- sometimes we just need to find a slightly different course or a new way and have a clean slate.

Things will always still come up, but a simple phrase to remember is "correct with love". Privileges can still be taken away and earned back... if you've discussed and agreed slam a door = no door, talking back = no phone, etc., then she knows the consequences and it's her turn to fulfill her side of the relationship.

Good luck!!