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Old 08-10-2012, 05:12 PM   #41
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Re: Parenting labels. Anyone ever break free?

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Originally Posted by doodah View Post
Terra, I am very proud of you to be able to realize what things you needed to change in your life and have the courage to do it. That is more important than any label or any friend. Good for you and thanks for sharing! We all have things that we can see from a new perspective or take a more mature approach to.

Its a shame that your "friends" have dropped you for this reason but I'd rather be alone than be around people like that anyway.
Thank you so much I've always enjoyed your posts and feel you are an inspiration because you are so balanced and I love that!
I feel bad for people I hurt and judged and did seek to make amends and came to new understandings so that was amazing too

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Originally Posted by staceray7 View Post
Thanks for that perspective on c-sections. I had no idea you could get around that quickly! 2.5 hours of pushing, poor mama! That is terrible. I'm glad you had the best deliveries for you.
No problem. It's truly different for everyone! Some take longer, especially if they were very traumatic and had true emergencies. Yeah after 2.5 hours just as he started to come down he flipped and and his head tilted to one side in the birth canal. I was ready for the c-sec at that point! I was exhausted
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Originally Posted by LadybugS View Post
I am trying to shed the labels... does that count?

As far as myself, personally... again, I'm trying. I'm a lot different & better than I was 8 months ago, and I hope in another 8 months I'll be a lot different & better than I am now. That's all I can do, I suppose - just try.
Absolutely! It's all about growing, nothing happens overnight!

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It's really interesting seeing all of the 'labels' that seem to be associated with attachment parenting (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, CDing, etc). I don't see that as what attachment parenting is at all. I think you can attachment parent 100% without those things. They are just some of the common tools that people who are truly AP use. This article kind of summarizes more of what I see attachment parenting as really being:
http://modernbaby.com/what-is-attach...enting-really/

I think this article has some valuable insight as well:
http://www.positive-parenting-ally.c...parenting.html

And Attachment Parenting International's website:
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/p...principles.php
I think those things fall under the AP label because they are deemed a more natural way [although CD'ing] technically isn't a part of AP. Like I said, myself I did some AP stuff because I wanted too and it was easier for us on some things.

But now, I have to admit, some articles on AP seem to make the support from mother to mother more of a great divide. I guess stepping back now and reading those articles, like the one in Modern Baby, not that the authors set out to do this, but I can see where it can insinuate that parents that don't breastfeed for example, need to be told to still keep baby close and make them feel secure. Sometimes I think AP tries to paint this picture [keep in mind I mean the extreme people] that parents who don't do this "AP" things are not as smart and can't possibly connect with their children.

I noticed too in the article it says that if the mom can it's better to stay home with the children for the first 3 years. While that is good I agree, people also try to twist that and many moms are judged or made to feel guilty. Not everyone can stay home. If we want to pay bills, it's just not possible. That doesn't mean others are raising our children or that we don't bond with our children.

Again, this is just my take now that I step back and re-read it in my new light.
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I read a lot on parenting when I was trying and pregnant with my oldest and I did relate to the AP stuff and want to do that. I did think that that was the way to parent and feel strongly about a lot of stuff. I even read books on discipline like unconditional parenting. As the years went by I realized it just does not fit me especially unconditional parenting. I actually am in a strange situation too that I found most of my mom friends through things like LLL and birth networks and other crunchy stuff and that even groups not specifically for crunchy moms have a lot of crunchy moms participating. I seen moms judge others or tell moms who were literally non functional because of sleep deprivation and the only advice they get would be to re lactate and suck it up buttercup.

As time goes on I find I am less and less AP like. I am fine with that but I often feel like I am judged for the non crunchy stuff. The AP natural parenting community drives me crazy in some ways lately. I hate how they basically cherry pick studies and info to make people feel guilty for not eating a certain way, disciplining a certain way, birthing a certain way or about what their vax choices are etc. It feels good to get away from the label and to see things in a different light that isn't clouded by the AP and natural parenting box. I don't mind labels and use them in other aspects but not parenting.
Yes very true! Like I said in an earlier post, just what I've found personally, I even find more over-reaction to things from a die-hard AP crowd than any other "philosophy" crowd. The call CPS on everything, calling things abuse when it's really not, etc, etc. It gets out of control. And I just would rather be supportive of other mothers, even if we don't do things alike.

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Old 08-10-2012, 05:23 PM   #42
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I think I did what most first time moms do. I wanted everything to be the best. Me, my decisions, food, toys, etc. Then once DS stopped being a blob, I realized what's best is what works for /him/ and not necessarily what I thought was the blanket best way.

I also took a hard hit when we lost our nursing relationship early on. That was the hardest transition for me. It was a long time before I wasn't ashamed or felt like a failure.

And when his medical issues came up early on, I realized things aren't cut and dry. Adjustments have to be made.

And the same goes for his personality. Adjustments.

Once I stopped trying to be super mom, I realized just how much of the grief I had put on myself of my own doing. And I feel more like a super mom than I did when I was trying to make things work a certain way.

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Old 08-10-2012, 07:55 PM   #43
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I didn't label myself, but I might as well have. As a first time mom I really saw everything as black and white, all or nothing. So I ended up picking a parenting style and trying to do everything in accordance to that parenting style. But having my second kiddo changed everything. It wasn't so much that I couldn't keep it up, it was just that I didn't want to anymore. I wasn't the hippie version of a Stepford wife and I never would be. And most of all, I didn't want to be. Taking my kids' lead and really easing up made everything better. Sure, there are many ways that we have all learned to be better parents than our parents thanks to a new culture and new information. But I also appreciate how much more laid back things were when we were kids. I'm much happier melding the two, and my kids are too.

I see a LOT of first time moms who approach parenting like I did when my first was born. I think it is only natural to try and find THE "best" way to do everything and try desperately to stick to that. But just like me, I see that many ease up after baby #2 or 3 comes along. Just how it goes. With the first you often rely on the rules others have made to make things easier. And then overtime you find your own way and can ditch the labels and rules in favor for what works for you and your family. And you start to see shades of grey.

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Old 08-10-2012, 08:06 PM   #44
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Re: Parenting labels. Anyone ever break free?

I co-sleep, baby wear, extended breastfeed with baby led weaning, including letting baby decide when to start eating solids, cloth diaper, etc. I don't do anything because of a book I have read on it. To be honest I haven't read any books on ap and hadn't heard the term crunchy until I joined diaperswappers. My mother is a midwife so has many crunchy clients. I called her to ask her what cruncy meant.

I do what I do because this is what comes natural to me not to fit in with anyone. If that was what I was doing I would use cribs, pacis, wean at 3 months, introduce solids at 4 months, pumpkin seat carry etc. as that is what all of those around me are doing.
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Old 08-10-2012, 08:09 PM   #45
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Re: Parenting labels. Anyone ever break free?

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I didn't label myself, but I might as well have. As a first time mom I really saw everything as black and white, all or nothing. So I ended up picking a parenting style and trying to do everything in accordance to that parenting style. But having my second kiddo changed everything. It wasn't so much that I couldn't keep it up, it was just that I didn't want to anymore. I wasn't the hippie version of a Stepford wife and I never would be. And most of all, I didn't want to be. Taking my kids' lead and really easing up made everything better. Sure, there are many ways that we have all learned to be better parents than our parents thanks to a new culture and new information. But I also appreciate how much more laid back things were when we were kids. I'm much happier melding the two, and my kids are too.

I see a LOT of first time moms who approach parenting like I did when my first was born. I think it is only natural to try and find THE "best" way to do everything and try desperately to stick to that. But just like me, I see that many ease up after baby #2 or 3 comes along. Just how it goes. With the first you often rely on the rules others have made to make things easier. And then overtime you find your own way and can ditch the labels and rules in favor for what works for you and your family. And you start to see shades of grey.
That was a lot like myself Janine! With my first, it was 'easy', and I had it all figured out. #2 came along, I was still gung ho but as they both grew, approaches and life changed and I did ease up for sure! I'm just a lot happier now!
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Old 08-10-2012, 08:47 PM   #46
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I had a lot of preconceived notions and a lot of them got shattered. And being at peace with doing our best has made a huge difference.

I could go into lots of details, but it doesn't matter. Point is, I stopped trying to fit into the label I had chosen for myself.

I'm too awesome to label

I also think its stupid to label yourself and then be all 'everyone is different, don't generalize all mommas'. Labels are generalizations. If you label yourself in your siggy, then expect people to make assumptions and generalizations about you.
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Old 08-10-2012, 10:05 PM   #47
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Re: Parenting labels. Anyone ever break free?

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Originally Posted by Terra View Post
Thank you so much I've always enjoyed your posts and feel you are an inspiration because you are so balanced and I love that!
I feel bad for people I hurt and judged and did seek to make amends and came to new understandings so that was amazing too



No problem. It's truly different for everyone! Some take longer, especially if they were very traumatic and had true emergencies. Yeah after 2.5 hours just as he started to come down he flipped and and his head tilted to one side in the birth canal. I was ready for the c-sec at that point! I was exhausted

Absolutely! It's all about growing, nothing happens overnight!


I think those things fall under the AP label because they are deemed a more natural way [although CD'ing] technically isn't a part of AP. Like I said, myself I did some AP stuff because I wanted too and it was easier for us on some things.

But now, I have to admit, some articles on AP seem to make the support from mother to mother more of a great divide. I guess stepping back now and reading those articles, like the one in Modern Baby, not that the authors set out to do this, but I can see where it can insinuate that parents that don't breastfeed for example, need to be told to still keep baby close and make them feel secure. Sometimes I think AP tries to paint this picture [keep in mind I mean the extreme people] that parents who don't do this "AP" things are not as smart and can't possibly connect with their children.

I noticed too in the article it says that if the mom can it's better to stay home with the children for the first 3 years. While that is good I agree, people also try to twist that and many moms are judged or made to feel guilty. Not everyone can stay home. If we want to pay bills, it's just not possible. That doesn't mean others are raising our children or that we don't bond with our children.

Again, this is just my take now that I step back and re-read it in my new light.


Yes very true! Like I said in an earlier post, just what I've found personally, I even find more over-reaction to things from a die-hard AP crowd than any other "philosophy" crowd. The call CPS on everything, calling things abuse when it's really not, etc, etc. It gets out of control. And I just would rather be supportive of other mothers, even if we don't do things alike.
well thats really sweet of you but like we are all saying, we ALL have things to work on and its important to support each other as mothers instead of nitpicking each other.....I need that reminder just the same as anyone else! I am glad to see so many others posting in support of your thread and can see how much of an inspiration and encouragement this thread has been.
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Old 08-10-2012, 10:10 PM   #48
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Re: Parenting labels. Anyone ever break free?

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That was a lot like myself Janine! With my first, it was 'easy', and I had it all figured out. #2 came along, I was still gung ho but as they both grew, approaches and life changed and I did ease up for sure! I'm just a lot happier now!
I agreed with you both....a lot of the die hard, unbending, none flexible moms are moms that have one child, have that one child figured out but dont see that their techniques aren't necessarily right for every kid and every family. Its hard to see that perspective when you dont have the life experience to teach that to you.

I have been doing home daycare since my oldest daughter was born. I never have had just one child at home because I have always taken care of multiple kids at one time (its 7 or 8 kids a day now!) I know that experience gives me a unique perspective because I see on a daily basis that there is no one-size fits all approach to anything parenting related. Sometimes it is hard to be patient with moms who have not learned that yet. They really do think that they know best and its normally not from ill intention.....they just really dont know any better. Most of them chill out if they add another kid or two to the family because at that point, its a whole new ball game!

Anyway, life is all about learning. We try to share what we know but also give other people the chance to learn in their own way and in their own time.
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Old 08-11-2012, 12:12 AM   #49
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Re: Parenting labels. Anyone ever break free?

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Yes very true! Like I said in an earlier post, just what I've found personally, I even find more over-reaction to things from a die-hard AP crowd than any other "philosophy" crowd. The call CPS on everything, calling things abuse when it's really not, etc, etc. It gets out of control. And I just would rather be supportive of other mothers, even if we don't do things alike.
Exactly. I am somewhere in between the die hard AP and mainstream parents but that doesn't really mean anything. We are all just moms figuring things out and we need to support each other not tear each other apart over making different choices.
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Old 08-11-2012, 02:15 AM   #50
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Re: Parenting labels. Anyone ever break free?

I just had to post based on my signature, which I updated a only few weeks ago. Up until then, I had been trying to put a name to how I live my life and nothing quite fit. I agree with so much that's been said in this thread.

I'm crunchier than some and not nearly as crunchy as others. I do what works for my family. I babywear because DD hated the stroller the first two years of life. Now, she climbs into the jogging stroller and asks to go for a run. I co-sleep because that's how I was raised and that's how I want to raise my children. I do extended breast feeding because I'm emotionally too lazy to deal with weaning a two year old. Honestly, I haven't read one chapter of any AP book and I stil have no real grasp of what AP is.
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