I got pregnant while on the pill! He is happy, I am not so sure

[JeDeeLenae]

I don't think marrying SHOULD make someone love you more. He loves you and wants to commit. Love should come before marriage, not because of it.

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[ofthemoonsglow]

Originally Posted by JeDeeLenae Why don't you guys talk about a budget for the wedding. He may be thinking small to you is $10,000. And I'm poetry sure the average wedding is at least $15,000. Show him what kind of budget you're thinking with. She I'd also let this while thing sit a but more. My first son was not born when we were married. And my last son was born months before the divorce... Sent from my SGH-T959V using DS Forum

I think this is a good point. Everyones idea of a small wedding is different. When i got married our wedding cost $2500 total. And it was beautiful and fun!

[kushie tushie]

Originally Posted by Iliana I am not opposed. But even living together is going to be a challenge. I moved out of my home (that I am losing due to foreclosure...my ex refused to pay a dime once he moved out and the bank refused to renegotiate or even accept a deed-in-lieu) and into an apartment just 2 months ago. I signed a lease for a year. Ryan lives an hour away and since we couldn't find a place before his lease was up in June (before I found out I was pregnant), he had to renew his. He wants for us to live together as a family, but he hasn't given any consideration to making a serious commitment. When discussing marriage, he says marrying me does not make him love me more, but that getting married would be good for the kids. I felt rejected and hurt, and I wanted things to be slower and happen naturally instead of this. We are *constantly* getting pressure from family, friends and co-workers about getting married and it only adds more stress to this already volatile situation.

Maybe he means that marrying you isnt going to make him love you more because he already loves you. Love is love wether your married or not.

Maybe in his mind hes think he could spend the rest of his life with you because he loves you in a comitted relationship, married or not. The being a legal family would be good for the child.

Obviously I dont know whats going on in his head. I'm just trying to give you another prospective to look at it from. I dont think hes trying to hurt you by any of the things hes saying. Hes trying to be very honest. If he love you, he loves you. Married or not, child or no child.

Amanda . Blaming my phone for typos and crap.

[MommyZ of 2]

Originally Posted by ofthemoonsglow I think this is a good point. Everyones idea of a small wedding is different. When i got married our wedding cost $2500 total. And it was beautiful and fun!

I want to second this point. Of course, where you live will determine cost a bit, but our wedding was about $7,000 total. Including dress, hair, ceremony and reception at a small, beautiful, Victorian-style bed and bed and breakfast, horderves, dinner, cake, videographer, photographer, dj, beer and wine, champagne, one night at bed and breakfast, all flowers and a horse and carriage ride to the waterfront to take photos. My parents gave us $6,000, and we paid the rest. We also had 120 people! I made all of the flowers and decorations , including bouquets, invitations, placecards, and favors over the 6 months of planning ( I used about 100 of the 40% off coupons at Michaels!) it was amazing and everyone had a great time! I also attended a wedding recently that had a budget of $2,500 and it was a blast! In lieu of gifts, everyone brought food, drink and flowers to celebrate! It went late into the night, and everyone had such a great time!
It can be done cheap, and they are memories that last forever. Talk to him about what you would like. You will resent him if you really want this and don't get it. I know I would.
Also, don't rush it. You don't have to get married before baby comes. Do you really want to be pregnant in your dream dress? I know I didn't, so we waited till our son was almost a year to make it official. Our baby was also a bc failure after 5 months of dating. We moved in together, then decided to get married. It really meant a lot to me to express my love and commitment to him in front of everyone we love (and God) and celebrate together.
Sorry this is like a book, but I wish you the best and many congratulations on your baby!

[ksburgess]

(((hugs))) I don't have too much advice, but your situation sounds so hard. I have been in the place of not feeling like I even want my baby, and the guilt that comes along with that. Pregnancy when you weren't ready is really, really hard. I would first urge you to take good care of yourself, pamper yourself as much as possible. I know that when I began to take care of myself (eating well, making time for exercise, taking a long bath every now and then, etc.) I felt much, much better about my pregnancy -- though it was still the most challenging time I have *ever* experienced in my life.

As for Ryan, I don't think I would rush into marriage again. Your baby will be deeply loved by his/her family regardless of marital status and you do not need to rush into a situation you feel unsure of. You both have, as you said, "baggage" and different views on things - you need to explore how you feel about important issues together some, I'd think. A divorce is so painful and I think it's worth taking the time to make sure he's the right man.

It's especially important given his choice to not move to be closer to you when you're pregnant. I would say it's prudent to see his actions and choices as the baby's birth gets closer.

(((Hugs))) again.

[FrozenBooty]

Originally Posted by Iliana Very likely. NO ONE in his family and friends liked his ex, and even his mom told me the only thought that crossed her mind while they were getting married was "This isn't going to last". I resent him for insisting in marrying a girl who was a control freak and OCD. She also displayed narcissistic personality and I have yet to hear anything kind or positive about her from anyone.

This statement worries me enough to say don't get married.
You need to accept that he had a past before you. Resenting him for his past choices is probably not going to lead to happily ever after.

You had a past before him also and married someone that didn't work out. You compromised things you had believed in and if you can't accept that he doesn't want some of these same things don't marry him. Does he resent you for your previous marriage and choice in spouse.

I have been married twice before my spouse would like to get married and I refuse I will not get married again at least not at this time and If I do it will not be around my family. They are not happy I divorced and I wont be flaunting another marriage.

All this said It doesnt change our love and our ability to raise strong stable happy children.

[songbird516]

Originally Posted by FrozenBooty This statement worries me enough to say don't get married. You need to accept that he had a past before you. Resenting him for his past choices is probably not going to lead to happily ever after. You had a past before him also and married someone that didn't work out. You compromised things you had believed in and if you can't accept that he doesn't want some of these same things don't marry him. Does he resent you for your previous marriage and choice in spouse. I have been married twice before my spouse would like to get married and I refuse I will not get married again at least not at this time and If I do it will not be around my family. They are not happy I divorced and I wont be flaunting another marriage. All this said It doesnt change our love and our ability to raise strong stable happy children.

ITA with this. I don't understand why his past is such a big deal. If it is, why are you with him in the first place?
My brother married someone that I really think is a bit OCD and crazy. We used to be really good friends but for some reason as soon as they started dating that fell apart. My parents were a bit concerned also- she's nice enough, but just a bit...crazy. They've been married 2 years and I know that it has not been easy but they're working through it. Sometimes there is just an attraction that draws people together, whether or not it is the easiest thing. Sometimes a couple can work through it and sometimes the marriage can't be saved, but dwelling on a past decision won't help anyone.

[Iliana]

Originally Posted by FrozenBooty You need to accept that he had a past before you. Resenting him for his past choices is probably not going to lead to happily ever after.

I agree. I knew he was divorced when we started dating. I would have understood if he married the girl of his dreams, then things went wrong, and ended up getting a divorce. But when he mentioned he felt pressured to get married but went ahead anyway, it raised a red flag for me. Why marrying someone if you are not fully convinced? Then I learned from his mom that the whole family begged him not to marry this girl and he defended her anyway. He agreed to have a big wedding because that is what she wanted. He tells me I am the love of his life but he won't even consider my wishes? That is the reason why I resent him a little bit.

When we first discussed having a future together, he shunned the idea of getting married. It hurt me, but I tried to convince myself that I would let the relationship take on a natural course and if things did not work out, then it would be time to say goodbye. Then I found out I was pregnant.

I do NOT want to get married now (no disrespect to mamas who married while pregnant, but it is definitely not something I want). I do NOT want to get married under pressure (his family wants a wedding now that we're expecting). I just wanted to know if marriage or a serious commitment is something he would consider. I know many guys who live with their partners for years and show no interest in taking it to the next level. I do not want to be stuck in limbo. If all he wants in to be there for the baby, it is fine. I will then focus on raising my children and move on with my life.

[Iliana]

Originally Posted by MommyZ of 2 It can be done cheap, and they are memories that last forever. Talk to him about what you would like. You will resent him if you really want this and don't get it. I know I would. Also, don't rush it. You don't have to get married before baby comes. Do you really want to be pregnant in your dream dress? I know I didn't, so we waited till our son was almost a year to make it official. Our baby was also a bc failure after 5 months of dating. We moved in together, then decided to get married. It really meant a lot to me to express my love and commitment to him in front of everyone we love (and God) and celebrate together.

You nailed it mama! That is exactly how I feel. I hope things work out for us. The moving in part will have to wait until we can find a place and if he is able to break his lease.

[Ellasundies]

Originally Posted by Iliana I know many guys who live with their partners for years and show no interest in taking it to the next level. I do not want to be stuck in limbo.

If that is the case then you probably shouldn't move in with him. I don't think it's a great idea to move in with someone whom I don't plan on spending the rest of my life with, especially when there are children involved. Your kids are going to get used to him being there and if you break up and he wants to move out then it's going to cause a lot of drama in your children's lives and they deserve better then that. It would be better to live close to each other and do things that way. Living separately would also protect you from being stuck in that limbo.

That said. If he shows some kind of desire to commit for life without a wedding then I personally might consider it. I'm not a big believer in the traditional wedding ceremonies and a small private ceremony or even just a personal commitment to each other are just as romantic and meaningful IMHO.