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Old 08-20-2012, 12:30 PM   #21
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Re: Anyone get sick of the judgement?

Mamas are bad about constantly judging each other for EVERYTHING? WOHM? You must not love your kids... Formula Feed? You must be lazy and not care about their health. BF in public? Now your just being a pushy BF Nazi. Spank or don't spank? You're SOL either way. No matter what you do, SOMEONE things you're doing it wrong. Maybe they are not trying to judge, maybe they really just DON'T understand, or they really do mean they can't afford daycare. I try not to take comments said about someone's own choices as judgement unless they have that tone. You know the one I mean. There's a difference between, "Oh, we could never have afforded daycare with my pay, so I stay home" and "Well, WE simply COULDN'T afford daycare, so I was SO LUCKY to be able to stay home and PARENT MY children full time." ya know?

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Old 08-20-2012, 12:44 PM   #22
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Re: Anyone get sick of the judgement?

Yeah never a shortage of things to judge and critique our fellow mamas for.


WOHM/SAHM
spank/don't spank
EBF/FF
Cloth/sposies/EC
AP/don't AP
Leash and harness/no leash and harness
Helicopter parent/free range parent
Home school/public school/private school
Meat eater/vegetarian/vegan
Natural products/mass produced
Wool/PUL
Fat/skinny
Shoot someone probably doesn't approve of my height. Likely someone thinks 5'1" is too short where another may consider it too tall.

I try nit to worry what others think because then I would go crazy. Then again maybe I am already crazy. I know my love of cloth and wool is enough to convince some people I am crazy as a bed bug.
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Old 08-20-2012, 12:51 PM   #23
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Re: Anyone get sick of the judgement?

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Just a vent but I get so tired of people saying to me, oh I could never work and have kids, or that by the time I pay daycare I may as well stay home, or other things that imply that I'm not a good mom if I don't sah. I know live in an area where sah is the norm, but I wish people would turn off the judgement!
I wish I could tell you some way to not let it get to you, but I get the same thing. I was actually greatful ds was sick on Sunday so I didn't have to go to church the week before I start back to school. That's when the comments always seem to get the worst. I don't know if it's because everyone realizes I'm about to go back to work or I'm just overly sensative. But it just kills me. I do love what I do, but I'd also love to stay home. Ideally, I'd love to go part time. But with dh's health always being up in the air it isn't an option for me. I'm pretty much one of only two ladies I know in my circle of friends with little kids that works and sends their kids to daycare. There are a few others that work off shift so that they don't have to use daycare or have family to tend them, but not many like me who have their kids FT in a center. I get a lot of comments about that too. My son is very happy there and learns a ton, but somehow to many women it would be better if he were home with grandma all day (second only of course to being home with mom all day). Now I love my mom and MIL but I've seen how my nephew who has done this his whole life is turning out and no thanks. It works for us but sometimes comments and judgements from others are hard for me to handle.
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:16 PM   #24
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Re: Anyone get sick of the judgement?

nak -Ugh I hear you, but I don't get it from other moms. When I was pg with ds2 an older man at work actually said "dont you think its about time for you to quit?"

Um not if we want to have a roof over our heads and you know eat on a regular basis.

besides, my mom woh and i turned out pretty good!
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Old 08-21-2012, 02:29 PM   #25
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Re: Anyone get sick of the judgement?

Yea, I definitely don't like the judgment thing. I think sometimes the whole " I don't make enough to cover day care costs," is partly justifying their own decision to stay home. Women/moms in general are getting judged and feel like they are getting judged for everything, so I think the justification has a defensive tone to it. There's a book called the Feminine Mistake and addresses this economic argument a bit. It basically says that the money you are losing while being out of the workforce is not just the money you are not earning during those childrearing years, but the ability to return to work and make a decent income when those childrearing years have passed. Not really passing judgment one way or the other, but just saying that there is more to the economics than the here and now. But if you want to stay home and your family can afford it, more power to you!
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Old 08-21-2012, 02:49 PM   #26
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Re: Anyone get sick of the judgement?

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Yea, I definitely don't like the judgment thing. I think sometimes the whole " I don't make enough to cover day care costs," is partly justifying their own decision to stay home. Women/moms in general are getting judged and feel like they are getting judged for everything, so I think the justification has a defensive tone to it. There's a book called the Feminine Mistake and addresses this economic argument a bit. It basically says that the money you are losing while being out of the workforce is not just the money you are not earning during those childrearing years, but the ability to return to work and make a decent income when those childrearing years have passed. Not really passing judgment one way or the other, but just saying that there is more to the economics than the here and now. But if you want to stay home and your family can afford it, more power to you!


If the choice were mine to make I would stay home. Even if I wanted to go to work though it is not an excuse when I say we cannot afford for me to work. After paying child care, uniforms, gas money, car payments for the second vehicle we would need, added insurance and other misc expenses incurred from working I would actually be losing money to go to work. I added it up and during the summer it would cost me after my check was gone an additional $150. A month to work. This cost would go up in January when the hospital changes to the new building because then we would need another vehicle. Right now I could walk but then it will be about 5-6 miles away. I am not walking that distance both ways.

To be terribly honest I just want to make it through right now. Tomorrow can take care of itself. Even if this means my earning potential decreases fir the future. Of what concern is it to me what I may or may not earn in 20 years if I cannot make the bills today? I refuse to pay for the privilege of working even though I did love my job. It was the best job I have held. But as I said it didn't really matter what I preferred.

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Old 08-21-2012, 02:59 PM   #27
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Re: Anyone get sick of the judgment?

I wasn't actually saying that argument holds water in every situation. I was just mentioning the book which makes an economic argument for women continuing in the workplace outside of the workplace.

It seems that in your case, you have a concrete idea of how much you would make outside of the home. In the case of my SIL, I seriously doubt she's looked into the issue of working and so when she says these things, it just doesn't ring true. Before she had kids, they had enough money for luxury cars and vacations and now suddenly it's not enough to cover daycare. Mind you, the kids are in part-time daycare even though she stays home.

Listen, I think if you want to stay home with your kids and you can, you should. I think if it really doesn't make sense for you to work from a financial standpoint and it only further your goal to stay home, that's great too. But I do think that *sometimes* people use it as an *excuse*, not that you need an excuse to stay home with your children. I guess that is what irks me in *some* cases, you know, make your decisions then own them. There is no need for false rationalizations, etc.

NOT saying your reasoning/rationalization is false, but saying that in some cases, they are.
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Old 08-21-2012, 03:04 PM   #28
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Re: Anyone get sick of the judgement?

I get it the other way around right now. I'm staying home and feel like I constantly have to justify it. Why can't it be good enough that it's the right decision for my family at this time?! Especially when the people raising their eyebrows aren't the ones paying our bills. WE are. Why do they care if we give up vacations or a new car or fancy clothes to make it work? Just because I have a degree, why am I less entitled to choice?

When I was working, I felt it too though. No matter what we get judged.

Last edited by misskira; 08-21-2012 at 03:10 PM.
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Old 08-21-2012, 03:17 PM   #29
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Re: Anyone get sick of the judgement?

I've gotten that feeling/rude comments, and sometimes I self-impose that judgment on myself when I hear other moms state that being SAHM is the most wonderful gift they can give their child, yadda yadda. Funny though, its mostly from mamas on here and not my IRL friends.

I'm the first to admit that being a SAHM is NOT for me. I enjoy my job (even if its with other people's kids) and my kids LOVE their daycare and preschool and are quite social, well adjusted, etc. Also, I'm the primary bread winner (I make double my DH's salary and he's full time too) so I have no choice but to work and we wouldn't be able to afford to have one of us stay home.

No advice, just My way of dealing is just rolling my eyes and remembering that each family is different and each family has to make their own choice whether it be because of finances, life choices or what is simply best for their family. You're doing the best for your children and that's all that counts and I fully support you either way.
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:00 AM   #30
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Re: Anyone get sick of the judgement?

I get it too. I truely don't thing I could be a SAHM. It would drive me batty. I have done short phases (2 7 week maternity leaves) and summers i usually get 3 to 4 weeks at a time and i am more than ready to go back to work.

My boys love daycare. When I am home on vacations they ask to go. They love playing with thier friends and getting out of the house for a few hours. And yes I take them to daycare when I am home on vacation--- talk about judgement from others. But I still have to pay the full amount wheather they are there or not. So why not. We pay for 4 days and I will take them at least 2 of the 4 sometiems all 4 depending on what is going on.

Daycare costs take less than 1/2 my income and my empoyeer pays for family medical insurance incuding dental and vision. We have great insurance. DH's insurance through his work is horrible and expensive. Financially it would not be smart for me to quit and stay home. Now with DH's hours--he works later in the morning and I get off work at 2:30 we do not have to pay for daycare for DS1 since he is in Kindergarden and they go all day/every day.
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