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Old 08-24-2012, 11:11 AM   #1
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How to get DH to pitch in just a little more?

My DH is the type who will be sitting with me on the couch while I'm folding laundry and not offer to help with it. We're pretty good at splitting the big duties taking care of our DS (almost 4 months old!), but I find that I'm still the one doing all the little things (watering the plants, running laundry, taking care of the cats, paying bills) while DH watches TV or plays computer games. If I ask him to help, he'll usually do it, but sometimes will grumble, and I'm sick of having to ask.

Do you all have any tips for how to get DH or partner to help out more? I know I will always do the brunt of the day-to-day things because that's the way I am and he's often just oblivious to what needs to get done, but I want to get his help without having to nag!!

Should I build a schedule - so every day there a couple of small tasks that he knows he should help with?

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Old 08-24-2012, 11:17 AM   #2
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Re: How to get DH to pitch in just a little more?

yeah, that's my DH too.
I ended up being a nag and I get really frustrated because I often have to end up in tears before he'll do something without me asking. I've tried a chore list but he thinks it's silly.

I've started to resign myself to the fact that I will just have to do everything -- and really I'll do it better anyway -- vs him doing it and then me having to redo it anyway. I know that sounds anal but there are a lot of things that do choose to let go.
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:21 AM   #3
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Re: How to get DH to pitch in just a little more?

Mine I told can make dinner. I don't like to do. I give list to bring stuff up. I tell y oldest to fold a basket of stuff she can do. Put away & take up clothes..... I have same. Mine knows to mow in summer & his task...cooking now, & dishes.....
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:22 AM   #4
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Re: How to get DH to pitch in just a little more?

Tell me if you find out. Are we secretly married to the same man? :P I just have accepted the fact I have to tell him what I need done.
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:41 AM   #5
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Re: How to get DH to pitch in just a little more?

Treat him like a child. He's probably clueless on when you need help. DH assumed I could do everything by myself all the time, so he hardly pitched in. Now, on top of the assigned tasks like mowing and weed whacking, I will specifically ask him to do certain things daily.
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:42 AM   #6
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Re: How to get DH to pitch in just a little more?

I can tell you what NOT to do. Don't make a list comparing what he does and what you do with the amount of time spent doing each and then show who has more free time. They don't like that.
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:47 AM   #7
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Re: How to get DH to pitch in just a little more?

My dh will hardly do anything without being asked - he might take offense at that but it certainly feels that way sometimes. I really just think he's wired differently. I don't have a problem asking unless I have to do it multiple times, or he says he'll do something and then it doesn't get done. As for grumbling about doing chores - yeah that's annoying but I do it too. Dh got annoyed at me bc a grumbled when he asked me to spray poopy diapers. I asked if he wanted me to sing and dance about how happy i was to it. :eyeroll: But I wouldn't get too upset about that as long as the chores get done.
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:51 AM   #8
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Re: How to get DH to pitch in just a little more?

you have to come up with a plan that works for both of you.

Give him a few permanent tasks that are his (divide the chores)?
Write up a weekly list and he work on it as he can?
You ask when you need something?

talk to him about the issue and see what ideas he has. I would imagine that he thinks you are doing too much anyway and being too picky so whatever he says, just at least consider it for a moment. Sometimes we moms take too much on ourselves and create work that really isnt that important.

make sure you are not doing things for him that he can do for himself....again, creating more work for yourself.

dont give up and give him excuses just because he is male. I am sure he is fully capable of doing everything you are currently doing but its important to communicate clearly your needs and ask clearly for what you want....not a general "I need more help around the house" because then he may do one thing and feel like he did help and the issue is resolved. be clear...."I need you to start handling taking care of the cats, permanently. That means food and water and litter boxes and vet appointments...." I really do believe in Dr. Phil's famous qoute "we teach people how to treat us".

good luck
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:53 AM   #9
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Re: How to get DH to pitch in just a little more?

Quote:
Originally Posted by wlillie View Post
I can tell you what NOT to do. Don't make a list comparing what he does and what you do with the amount of time spent doing each and then show who has more free time. They don't like that.
I am sorry but this made me LOL....did you do this???? yeah that would totally not work out well with my hubby either. After 10 years of marriage, I got him right where I want him regarding being hands on around the house, but I definitely would never have tried this tactic. I cant imagine that would go over well for any spouse.
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:58 AM   #10
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Re: How to get DH to pitch in just a little more?

Schedule is good and also it may help to split the chores so he knows what he needs to do to help around the house aside from everyday picking up and doing what families do.

If he absolutely loathes say folding the laundry for example, is it possible for him to put the dishes away and hand wash anything else that doesn't fit? And you can load the dishwasher? Something like that we do at home as I for one suck at folding laundry like most guys and I have reminder notes around the house (ADD) so I don't forget to do simple things like putting the shoes in the right place and keeping clothes in the right place.

We try to get things done early in the afternoon including making dinner and cleaning. And trust me, it's never perfect and we get on each other's nerves from time to time but I feel consistency and just making it a habit is key.

And since us guys are simple creatures, tease him, thank him and just show any sort of affection. That's all that we need. The last thing you want to do as much as I hate to say this is don't nag If there's a reward system even a simple but appreciated thank-you's, we feel loved, strong, and that knight in shining armor.

(I think it's true, if guys want to get laid, help the wife around the house lol)

"Hey sexy can you help me" is far better than "Are you going to help me instead of sitting on your bum all day"

And do things together; at least it won't be as boring as you or him doing things around the house by yourself. It gives two people to talk while the house is getting cleaned
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