Living together before marriage. Yay or nay? - Cloth Diapers & Parenting Community

Iliana · 08-31-2012, 05:39 PM

My boyfriend and I are expecting. We are both divorced, and I have a a child from my previous marriage. Long story short: he wants us to move in with him to another place (my apartment and his are an hour drive and are too small to accommodate all of us). The problem is that I would like to have an idea if he would consider making a commitment in the future. His response was that "marriage would not change how he feels about me" (true, but it hurt. I felt rejected). He also mentioned that weddings "are expensive and just for show" (He had a lavish wedding, I on the other side got married at the courthouse and didn't even have a dinner or anything).

I have been reading about cohabiting and it seems it is a not a good idea. I feel a lot of pressure from family, friends and society to move in or marry him just because we are expecting. I would like to make that commitment for love. I do regret getting pregnant (it wasn't planned, and I was on the pill) because it has set this whole snowball in motion and i wanted to take things slowly.

Samandy · 08-31-2012, 05:43 PM

Yay. I think living together first is almost always a good idea.

beccatown · 08-31-2012, 05:45 PM

The statistics for divorce are higher amongst those who co-habitate before marriage compared to those who don't.

beccatown · 08-31-2012, 05:47 PM

Also, if you don't feel comfortable with it and are only considering it because others are pressuring you, then DON'T DO IT.

Iliana · 08-31-2012, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beccatown

I personally don't care what people do, but the statistics for divorce are higher amongst those who co-habitate before marriage compared to those who don't.

That's what I read. And quite frankly, it terrifies me. A divorce is one of the most scarring and lonely experiences you can go through, and I fear ending up alone with 2 children, divorced again. He seems very content about the idea of us living together and live a happy life; I, on the other side, am not so sure. (My lack of faith in life and love is just appalling).

Samandy · 08-31-2012, 06:12 PM

Hmmm, I did just a quick search and came up with all kinds of things saying that the divorce rates are nearly identical for both couples living together before marriage, and couples not living together before marriage. Divorce happens for many different reasons and I personally do not think co-habitation before marriage will have much of an effect on most relationships.

rumblepurr · 08-31-2012, 06:13 PM

Will he do a commitment ceremony or an engagement? It doesn't have to be legal. It's an exchange of vows that you write and both sign, or a hand fasting ceremony.

Studies also found that couples who live together before getting married that have a formal commitment to each other (ie engaged or the like) have no different divorce rates than those who didn't live together prior to marriage. I think it's based on the commitment level reached prior to moving in together that determines longevity of marriage.

rumblepurr · 08-31-2012, 06:16 PM

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/0...n_1372687.html

Iliana · 08-31-2012, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rumblepurr

Will he do a commitment ceremony or an engagement? It doesn't have to be legal. It's an exchange of vows that you write and both sign, or a hand fasting ceremony.

I don't think so. After our chat, I dropped the subject because it still hurts a lot and I think the pregnancy hormones are making me hyper sensitive. I wished he had offered the aforementioned alternatives. That would have reassured me that he is committed and will not walk away like nothing happened (like my ex husband did). He acts as if nothing has happened, and while he is all smiles and hugs, I am worried and stressed out about the future.

Samandy · 08-31-2012, 06:18 PM

How committed to you and this relationship do you think he is?

View Poll Results: Cohabiting before marriage: yay or nay?
Yes.	160	53.16%
No.	107	35.55%
Who cares? Marriage is an outdated institution anyway.	34	11.30%
Voters: 301. You may not vote on this poll

08-31-2012, 05:39 PM	#1
Iliana Registered Users Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Maine Posts: 331 Ratings: 4 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Living together before marriage. Yay or nay? My boyfriend and I are expecting. We are both divorced, and I have a a child from my previous marriage. Long story short: he wants us to move in with him to another place (my apartment and his are an hour drive and are too small to accommodate all of us). The problem is that I would like to have an idea if he would consider making a commitment in the future. His response was that "marriage would not change how he feels about me" (true, but it hurt. I felt rejected). He also mentioned that weddings "are expensive and just for show" (He had a lavish wedding, I on the other side got married at the courthouse and didn't even have a dinner or anything). I have been reading about cohabiting and it seems it is a not a good idea. I feel a lot of pressure from family, friends and society to move in or marry him just because we are expecting. I would like to make that commitment for love. I do regret getting pregnant (it wasn't planned, and I was on the pill) because it has set this whole snowball in motion and i wanted to take things slowly. __________________ Proud mom to my intact, mostly unvaccinated, baby boys Jayden (11/30/08) and Riley (03/28/2013). WOHM who still manages to lead a semi-crunchy, mostly organic, homeopathic, frugal life.

08-31-2012, 05:43 PM	#2
Samandy Registered Users Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Winchestertonfieldville Posts: 5,251 Ratings: 28 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay? Yay. I think living together first is almost always a good idea. __________________ "Why should I allow that same God to tell me how to raise my kids, who had to drown His own?" ~ Robert Green Ingersoll

08-31-2012, 05:45 PM	#3
beccatown Registered Users Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 384 Ratings: 25 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay? The statistics for divorce are higher amongst those who co-habitate before marriage compared to those who don't. __________________ Semi-crunchy, Christ following, BFing, CDing, Vaxing, Co-sleeping, Circing, Watching Too Much T.V momma to DS (9/28/2009), DD (4/05/2011) and wife to my best friend. Lane Louise Grace born 04/05/2011 Last edited by beccatown; 08-31-2012 at 05:47 PM.

08-31-2012, 05:47 PM	#4
beccatown Registered Users Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 384 Ratings: 25 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay? Also, if you don't feel comfortable with it and are only considering it because others are pressuring you, then DON'T DO IT. __________________ Semi-crunchy, Christ following, BFing, CDing, Vaxing, Co-sleeping, Circing, Watching Too Much T.V momma to DS (9/28/2009), DD (4/05/2011) and wife to my best friend. Lane Louise Grace born 04/05/2011

08-31-2012, 06:16 PM	#8
rumblepurr Registered Users Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Santa Claus Beach or in the avocado grove Posts: 2,261 Ratings: 85 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/0...n_1372687.html __________________ Amber: Mama of 4 DS's; 10/2002 10/2005 8/2007 1/2010 and 1 DD 11/20/13 ************. Married to J . Extra crunchy, night , book loving, sewing enthusiast.