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Old 09-01-2012, 11:53 AM   #11
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

Elena, so sorry about your parents. It's a real shame, because one would hope that parents would be some of the most supportive people in our lives.

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One of the wonderful comments I got was from a church... friend. I don't know if I consider her a friend anymore or not. I don't really know how I feel other than hurt.
We found out the baby died on a Friday. She was born the following Tuesday. The following Sunday, we went to church. There were SO many women that came over to hug me, pray with me, and offer comfort and kind words - people I hadn't ever met before even. But then this friend came over. She gave me a quick "man hug" (kwim?) and said "I'm not going to hug you more or sit with you because I don't want to start crying."

Seriously?
Well. Gee. Thank you for caring, and sharing in our pain and loss. What a lovely friend. Disgusting.


This has been a terrible pessimistic post. I'm sorry. And a lot of anger has come across in it. Again, sorry.
"Friends" suck. Really. They are the people who act like they care, but it's all about them. Can I join you in your misery here? So, the "friend" who made the rejecting comment said plenty of other jerky things. Her SIL had a m/c a few months before me, and a friend of a friend of hers had an ectopic a month after. My lovely "friend" would complain to me about how difficult it has been for her, with everyone around her losing babies. How she "couldn't take any more bad news." Excuse me? You're going to wail to me, when I just lost my child, about how you have it so bad to know a few women who had miscarried?

She also did things like overstep boundaries to ask me what I named the baby, what we did with the body, etc. I explained that I wanted to keep these details private for DH and I only, and she got all pouty that she couldn't know the baby's name.

Oh, and despite my pleading that she not tell anyone about my m/c, she told her mother, grandmother, SIL, and maybe others so they could all pray for me. Maybe if I didn't know them, it could have almost been okay. But I saw all of these people regularly, so it was a blatant disregard for my wishes.

My brother and his wife got pregnant right around the time I m/c, and when we found out they were having a girl, this "friend" told me that she was so happy and that she had PRAYED that they were having a girl since I felt that my baby was a boy. She thought that my brother didn't deserve a boy since he really wanted one, and it was unfair to me to take my boy away. Wait, what? Wrong on so many levels.

Compound all of this with her constant gossip about just about everyone in her life (including the SIL who had had the m/c...despite being so torn up about the baby, she had no problem badmouthing her parenting styles and whatnot), and constant complaining about her life, and I couldn't take it anymore. I finally "broke up" with her a couple months ago and my life has been so much happier. I don't need such a negative person in my life. I could go on and on about her insanity, but I'll bite my tongue. IRL, I haven't said a thing to anyone (except DH and my mom) because I just hate gossip. But, I kinda feel like the internet doesn't count, since none of you know her. Man, venting felt good. Thanks for listening to my rant.

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Old 09-01-2012, 12:06 PM   #12
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

Lauren

I have a "friend" that is always saying rude things. I wasn't going to tell her about my most recent miscarriage, but I went ahead and told her (after I was pregnant with this baby), and she didn't even acknowledge what I said...she just looked at me, and started talking about something else.

Then, when I told her that we were waiting to tell people about this baby...she said that she thought it better to tell people you were pregnant, even if you miscarry, rather than to tell people after you miscarry that you miscarried. (she has never had a loss). I told her that maybe as the person receiving that news (that your friend had miscarried when you didn't know they were pregnant) it is harder to hear that, BUT as the person who has lost a baby, it is much easier to tell people that you miscarried (who didn't know you were pregnant) than to tell people you are pregnant, and then loose the baby and have to go back and tell people.

Grrrr....she is just a very insensitive person, totally oblivious, and only thinks of herself in just about every situation. I try to be nice to her, but I hardly spend any time with her anymore...not so much because she badmouth's people, but because she is ALWAYS bragging and comparing herself/her kids to other people and quite frankly, I'm sick of it!

there are a host of other reasons as well...but it would take too long to write them

I feel bad "breaking up" with a friend...but that has basically what I have chosen to do.
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Old 09-01-2012, 03:03 PM   #13
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

When I lost my baby at 15 weeks, people said to me ''At least your have children'' and comments similar. It made me feel like I had no right to grieve, even though I did. My answer to that is ''If you Mother died, and I said 'At least you still have your Father' would that comforting or helpful to you?'' Most people shut their mouths after that.

My own Mom said some pretty crappy things to me to. My cousin had a stillborn little girl weeks before I lost my baby and my own mother told me that my loss at 15 weeks wasn't ''nearly as bad'' as my cousins loss because she was so much further along than I and had more time to bond. Um, I nearly DIED when I lost my baby. I had to be rushed to the Emergency room with uncontrolled bleeding and emergency surgery to stop it. I refused a blood transfusion but it was recommended. How is that even relevant? A loss is a loss and they all hurt equally as much. I don't love my baby any less because I was ''only'' 15 weeks pregnant when I lost her. People can really suck sometimes.
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Old 09-01-2012, 03:12 PM   #14
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

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Their response to me was first that they hadn't ever made any comments like that. Period. They outright refused to acknowledge that they had said anything, denied every exact example I mentioned. (Yet, FTR, they've made the EXACT SAME comments with every pregnancy since then.)
Second, they said "We're sorry that you took our comments all wrong and that you thought they were hurtful." That's NOT a real apology. That's putting all the blame on me, as if they said nothing but loving crap and I took it the wrong way.

Sorry. I seriously have strong anger and resentment about this. Obviously. It hasn't helped that they made these SAME comments about Elliana's pregnancy - and now that she's dead, they act like they're loving, doting, grieving grandparents who wanted her all along.
ALL their comments to us since she died have been about them - they have told us they "can't handle another loss like this" and they've asked that we "never put them through this again".
Cuz. Yeah. That was our whole point. And obviously our focus should be on them in our future decisions.
.
Seriously, this just makes me mad for you! Like it's somehow all about them being victims of you and your evil plans to misunderstand them and cause them to lose grandchildren they didn't want?!?!?

Any chance of living near your ILs and not your own family? It's amazing what living 1,200 miles away has done to improve my relationship with my family!

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"Friends" suck. Really. They are the people who act like they care, but it's all about them. Can I join you in your misery here? So, the "friend" who made the rejecting comment said plenty of other jerky things. Her SIL had a m/c a few months before me, and a friend of a friend of hers had an ectopic a month after. My lovely "friend" would complain to me about how difficult it has been for her, with everyone around her losing babies. How she "couldn't take any more bad news." Excuse me? You're going to wail to me, when I just lost my child, about how you have it so bad to know a few women who had miscarried?

She also did things like overstep boundaries to ask me what I named the baby, what we did with the body, etc. I explained that I wanted to keep these details private for DH and I only, and she got all pouty that she couldn't know the baby's name.

Oh, and despite my pleading that she not tell anyone about my m/c, she told her mother, grandmother, SIL, and maybe others so they could all pray for me. Maybe if I didn't know them, it could have almost been okay. But I saw all of these people regularly, so it was a blatant disregard for my wishes.

My brother and his wife got pregnant right around the time I m/c, and when we found out they were having a girl, this "friend" told me that she was so happy and that she had PRAYED that they were having a girl since I felt that my baby was a boy. She thought that my brother didn't deserve a boy since he really wanted one, and it was unfair to me to take my boy away. Wait, what? Wrong on so many levels.

Compound all of this with her constant gossip about just about everyone in her life (including the SIL who had had the m/c...despite being so torn up about the baby, she had no problem badmouthing her parenting styles and whatnot), and constant complaining about her life, and I couldn't take it anymore. I finally "broke up" with her a couple months ago and my life has been so much happier. I don't need such a negative person in my life. I could go on and on about her insanity, but I'll bite my tongue. IRL, I haven't said a thing to anyone (except DH and my mom) because I just hate gossip. But, I kinda feel like the internet doesn't count, since none of you know her. Man, venting felt good. Thanks for listening to my rant.


Wow! What a piece of work! Glad you "broke up" and are feeling happier!

And it's so true about the internet...no one here is going to spill your secrets and they don't know who you're talking about so you can share the WHOLE story, instead of worrying about who might get told what!

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I have a "friend" that is always saying rude things. I wasn't going to tell her about my most recent miscarriage, but I went ahead and told her (after I was pregnant with this baby), and she didn't even acknowledge what I said...she just looked at me, and started talking about something else.

Then, when I told her that we were waiting to tell people about this baby...she said that she thought it better to tell people you were pregnant, even if you miscarry, rather than to tell people after you miscarry that you miscarried. (she has never had a loss). I told her that maybe as the person receiving that news (that your friend had miscarried when you didn't know they were pregnant) it is harder to hear that, BUT as the person who has lost a baby, it is much easier to tell people that you miscarried (who didn't know you were pregnant) than to tell people you are pregnant, and then loose the baby and have to go back and tell people.

Grrrr....she is just a very insensitive person, totally oblivious, and only thinks of herself in just about every situation. I try to be nice to her, but I hardly spend any time with her anymore...not so much because she badmouth's people, but because she is ALWAYS bragging and comparing herself/her kids to other people and quite frankly, I'm sick of it!

there are a host of other reasons as well...but it would take too long to write them

I feel bad "breaking up" with a friend...but that has basically what I have chosen to do.


Even though it's no fun, it's better then the alternative....future years of having to put up with her!
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Old 09-01-2012, 03:15 PM   #15
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

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When I lost my baby at 15 weeks, people said to me ''At least your have children'' and comments similar. It made me feel like I had no right to grieve, even though I did. My answer to that is ''If you Mother died, and I said 'At least you still have your Father' would that comforting or helpful to you?'' Most people shut their mouths after that.

My own Mom said some pretty crappy things to me to. My cousin had a stillborn little girl weeks before I lost my baby and my own mother told me that my loss at 15 weeks wasn't ''nearly as bad'' as my cousins loss because she was so much further along than I and had more time to bond. Um, I nearly DIED when I lost my baby. I had to be rushed to the Emergency room with uncontrolled bleeding and emergency surgery to stop it. I refused a blood transfusion but it was recommended. How is that even relevant? A loss is a loss and they all hurt equally as much. I don't love my baby any less because I was ''only'' 15 weeks pregnant when I lost her. People can really suck sometimes.


That especially stinks coming from your own mom. Did she ever miscarry? Was she trying (and failing) to be supportive?
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Old 09-01-2012, 03:19 PM   #16
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

Hi ladies, wow I am SO far behind after my crazy work week, sorry I've missed so much!

I just have to send to all of you who have dealt with stupid people and their thoughtless comments. I've only had one "friend" who was kinda crappy, and I nixed her pretty immediately after that (it wasn't hard... she was a bit of a fair-weather friend anyway). My MIL... well she tries, but she does not think before she speaks. She didn't say anything outright hurtful, but her idea of being sympathetic was to tell me graphic stories about everyone she knew who had a loss, although she herself had never had one. Sigh... But with her, we just know that she says some goofy stuff, so meh. Otherwise I feel very blessed and thankful that everyone else has been so supportive and comforting.

So today I'm not really nauseous and I had enough energy to run errands all morning with DH and DS. That of course scares me a bit, but one day at a time.... I'll just try to think happy thoughts until I have a solid reason not to. Easier said than done, as I know you all understand
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Old 09-01-2012, 05:30 PM   #17
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

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Elena, so sorry about your parents. It's a real shame, because one would hope that parents would be some of the most supportive people in our lives.

Man, venting felt good. Thanks for listening to my rant.
Exactly. Although my parents have always been this way all my life, so it doesn't really surprise me... just disappoints me and makes me sad.

Vent away. It feels good to get it off your chest, eh? And to know that we have all had at least one thoughtless/hurtful/rude comment made to us about our losses. We all understand.

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I feel bad "breaking up" with a friend...but that has basically what I have chosen to do.
I was so shocked when this friend said that, and then promptly walked away... I couldn't say or think or feel anything about it for a couple weeks. And now I haven't seen her since then, so I don't really know how I feel about it or how I will deal with her when/if I do see her.
She wasn't a superclose friend, but I considered her a friend. The women who I didn't even know were more supportive than she was, though!

My good friend was amazingly supportive - through our losses, she has been there to talk to, to listen to me talk, to offer a hug. One Sunday, after Elliana, I had a breakdown during/after the service and she just came and sat beside me, her arm around me, while I cried. She didn't say anything, she didn't try to get me to talk. She just sat and held me until I was able to stop crying.
And when I have told her about our m/c, she and her DH have given us hugs and cards - they understand, and they care. That means a lot.

She also bought me a pretty flower at the beginning of June (when Elliana was due) because "It's June. You need flowers." :happpytear:

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A loss is a loss and they all hurt equally as much. I don't love my baby any less because I was ''only'' 15 weeks pregnant when I lost her. People can really suck sometimes.
Agreed

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Seriously, this just makes me mad for you! Like it's somehow all about them being victims of you and your evil plans to misunderstand them and cause them to lose grandchildren they didn't want?!?!?

Any chance of living near your ILs and not your own family? It's amazing what living 1,200 miles away has done to improve my relationship with my family!
Actually, we live in the middle of Canada. My family is all on the east coast, and DH's parents & siblings are all on the west coast - well, were. MIL got a job teaching in the town north of us and they're moving now! Very happy about that!

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So today I'm not really nauseous and I had enough energy to run errands all morning with DH and DS. That of course scares me a bit, but one day at a time.... I'll just try to think happy thoughts until I have a solid reason not to. Easier said than done, as I know you all understand
totally kwym. I hate this m/s. But I know when I start having a good day here and there I'm going to drive myself crazy with worry!
At the same time - kinda hoping I start having those odd good days maybe this week. I've heard that 7 weeks is the peak of m/s, and I vaguely remember having a few good days off and on last time, so hopefully they'll start this week... followed quickly by some normal movements.
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Old 09-01-2012, 08:46 PM   #18
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

I'm so sorry that people have been so rotten. That's horrible.

Party is over. I'm beat, the grass in my house is giving me and my friend headaches even though we stayed inside all day

Also, I really think I have an anterior (frontal) placenta. When I go to look for a heartbeat I can't find it, or can only hear an echo when the baby is sitting up high and I can tell where the baby is because there is a hard bulge so I know. It's driving me nuts! Any time my bladder is a little full is pushes the baby up to the place where I feel no movement and then I start to freak out and pee and check the heartbeat. I kind of wish I knew for sure cause I think it would make me feel better to know. I want a 20wk ultrasound but I may ask to get one done sooner just for my own sanity cause right now this is not helping my blood pressure. I felt movement earlier on but it was always down low and when my uterus was smaller, the baby was stuck down there so I think that's maybe why I felt it.
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Old 09-02-2012, 06:47 AM   #19
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

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Also, I really think I have an anterior (frontal) placenta. When I go to look for a heartbeat I can't find it, or can only hear an echo when the baby is sitting up high and I can tell where the baby is because there is a hard bulge so I know. It's driving me nuts! Any time my bladder is a little full is pushes the baby up to the place where I feel no movement and then I start to freak out and pee and check the heartbeat. I kind of wish I knew for sure cause I think it would make me feel better to know. I want a 20wk ultrasound but I may ask to get one done sooner just for my own sanity cause right now this is not helping my blood pressure. I felt movement earlier on but it was always down low and when my uterus was smaller, the baby was stuck down there so I think that's maybe why I felt it.
. and that you have an anterior placenta. That sounds strange to say. But I mean, I hope that it's something like that. Something okay and fine that explains it

I have to be honest... because this is here... but I'm really reading your post. This is what I told myself every day to explain Elliana's "off" movements.
I'm not trying to say "holy crap your baby has what she had". And I'm not trying to be pessimistic at all - I know chances are slim... but then chances are chances and someone falls into the "wrong" side every day.
I just... have to be honest and say it... because reading your posts scares me.


Sh!t. I hope that comes across way better than I'm reading it. I worry. I am full of fear, for myself and others. That's where that all comes from. Not from a place of wanting to project my fears on others, but from a need to get it out of my head.


AFM: We told MIL last night. I felt we needed to - we'd gone shopping earlier and she was buying DD a whole new outfit for school. MIL was talking about how she'd dressed up SIL before she left the coast, and asked if she could take me out too - I stumbled over my words and laughed and said "definitely not today - I'm too tired all ready!" But I felt like we needed to tell her so that she didn't think I was blowing her off or something, kwim?
Anyways, she said "it's exciting". DH and I both said "no. it's not. it's terrifying." I know she was right when she said "yes. it's both."
But she's not angry or upset, she's just here for and with us. her. And I think we really need that support this time around.

Man. I'm emotional this morning apparently. Everything I've typed here is making me tear up.
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Old 09-02-2012, 07:02 AM   #20
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

It's okay, I get what you're saying. It's always possible, and if so we'll take what comes like with everything else. In this case (although I could be wrong) I really think it's the placenta which will mask movement and the baby's heartbeat. It's like when I move the doppler up past a certain point it's like I'm suddenly trying to get through a wall and I can't hear anything but my own loud heartbeat and a wooshing. I had the baby move from low yesterday (where for a few seconds I had a great heartbeat up top (which I can feel since I'm too skinny) and then I couldn't get a heartbeat. Something has to be in the way because I know the baby is alive. With my limited knowledge, the placenta being in the way is one possibility. I can also feel my heartbeat in my skin around there (which is weird) and has never happened. As far as I know I've only had posterior placentas before so finding a heartbeat and feeling movement has always been easy. It does freak me out too, and everything someone else says can bring up good/bad memories. I did some reading on it last night and it made me feel better about the whole thing. Some women weren't feeling movement until really, really late and another woman said they couldn't get a heartbeat even with the doppler consistently until after 34 weeks. I still have those moments where I feel like everything is going to go wrong, but they aren't overwhelming me at the moment.

I'm really, really glad your MIL was so awesome about it and got it. That's great!

I lost my 2lbs, back down to my lowest at 120lbs. I don't know what else to do. I just can't get in enough calories that are good. I'm hitting the store, might try an avocado again and see if I can stomach it this time. Speaking of which, time to go eat breakfast.
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