Just need to vent....it's another spanking thread

[SkyeSpade]

So we don't spank. Don't believe in it. But I also believe in freedom of beliefs.....so if you do, fine. I don't go on crusades to tell others how to parent. Spanking is available in the arsenal, but we refuse to use it.

But I am sick and tired of the logic that if you don't spank, you don't parent. That other consequences and punishments aren't good enough. That you HAVE to spank or your kids won't respect you. That parents spanking less (they do this? I don't know other parents irl who don't believe in spanking....unless my stepmom counts with her 43yo son) is why we have more crime and unsafe schools. These arguments are outdated and downright offensive.

You wanna spank your kids? Fine. I won't. And you know what? I'll bet they both end up normal, well-adjusted adults someday.

[KingsDaughter76]

We don't spank either- and my kids are very well behaved and respect authority just fine. :-)

I think the problem with today's kids does not stem from spanking or not spanking...I personally feel it is the result of an onslaught of toxins (vaccines, food, etc) on an immature developing brain coupled with parents who are not connected and do not teach/train and discipline their children. I have met plenty of spanked children who do not act very good....

[crunch!910]

A friend and little girl my 3 year old's age who is also in preschool with him.. her mom, my friend, texts me to tell me how every day after picking her daughter up, teacher tells her she misbehaved, was disrespectful, or deliberately disobeyed rules. She spanks and yells all the time.

My 3 year old (who is younger than hers) listens much better. Almost every playdate we have, she says this. She recognizes it, and often seems to back off and WANT me to correct her child for her, which I do. I had hoped when our kids were younger that she would see my more well behaved child, and try to copy my methods that I use during playdates.. but nope. We DO spank for serious offenses. I should say at least I do. DH is spank happy and will threaten spankings for every.little.thing. I reserve spanking for very serious matters. But I thinkeven more important than that, is when he's calm enough to talk, we talk. I give hugs and kisses and I love yous. I try to explain things in a way he can understand, and I ASK HIM questions to get his brain going too. For example, the other day 3yo DS was jumping on the bed while 5mo old DS1 was rolling around playing on the bed. BAby was laughing and thought it was funny to feel a bit bounced, DS1 was having fun. Baby rolled, and DS1 landed on an arm. Baby starting squawking and crying. DH was comign into the room just as he did that, swooped him up, swatted his butt and raised his voice telling him not to jump on the baby and to get out of the room. I gave DH a good glare, and told DS1 to come back up in bed with us and to sit quietly. When he calmed down I understood it was just an accident and that he needs to be careful jumping. I asked him what did baby brother do when he landed on his arm? And DS1 told me "baby cried! me sad. me no hurt baby. me play baby. I sorry." That's all I needed to hear, and that's all the more that should have happened. That did not warrant a spanking. I do nto credit DS1's good behavior to spanking. I credit it to the times we are better parents that discipline in a controlled, well thought out matter that takes advantage of helpign him understand his own behavior and how it effects others... not "don't do that or you get spanked".

[mcpforever]

So many parents get far too caught up in the "tool" for discipline (like the labels for AP) that they miss how to actually use it. This applies for every form of discipline from spanking, to time out, to positive reinforcement, to praise, to ignoring, to talking it out, etc.

It's like a bunch of mechanics who get together and talk about their super cool pneumatic wrenches and how everyone must have a super cool pneumatic wrench in order to be a good mechanic. Then half of them go to their shops and use their wrenches to blow air or beat at the lugnuts and wonder why they can't get the tires of the cars, while the others manage to get the tires changed quickly with little effort.

I think it has very little to do with toxins as I see kids who eat awful who can still manage to behave very nicely and I see kids who eat wonderfully who can still be holy terrors.

I have seen parents who spank have terribly behaved children. I have noticed this much more frequently with parents who threaten and threaten and threaten and then finally follow through. I have seen parents who don't spank have terribly behaved children. Sometimes it's because they just chalk it up to kids being kids and accept the poor behavior, but usually it's because they just don't give ANY consequence for it. Instead they just talk about it and think they've done the best they can.

[happysmileylady]

So many parents get far too caught up in the "tool" for discipline (like the labels for AP) that they miss how to actually use it.

THIS!!! EXACTLY this! Whether you spank (we do sometimes) or sit your kid in time out (we do sometimes) or make them write sentences (we aren't there yet) or use natural consequences (we do) or do all of the above or something totally different...the WAY the tool is used is SO much more important than the actual tool itself. If you are using time outs and pride yourself on never spanking, but roughly throw your kid in the corner, call him an idiot and never tell him why he's in time out, then leave him there for half an hour...well that's pretty crappy use of a non spanking discipline tool. Any "good" you might have done by not spanking is completely overridden by never actually teaching the child.

But I am sick and tired of the logic that if you don't spank, you don't parent.

People who say these types of things are confusing spanking with discipline. They are confused and either don't know, don't realize, or don't remember that spanking isn't the only discipline tool in a parent's arsenal. Most *know* it and probably actually use other discipline tools, but they just don't quite make the connection in their mind. They forget that just because someone doesn't spank, that doesn't mean they don't give their kids consequences.

[leyash]

Different things work on different kids, period. Discipline is part of parenting. Spanking is NOT the only discipline option. So saying not spanking = not parenting, is ignorant.

By the way, I do spank. It's rare, but it happens. Sometimes it's the only thing that works, especially with my almost 6 year old.

[happysmileylady]

I think the problem with today's kids does not stem from spanking or not spanking...I personally feel it is the result of an onslaught of toxins (vaccines, food, etc) on an immature developing brain coupled with parents who are not connected and do not teach/train and discipline their children.

This assumes there's a problem with today's kids.

Honestly, I don't think today's KIDS are any worse behaved than any kids of any other generation...I don't think there is a problem with todays KIDS at all.

I DO think young adults today, like young 20s, have a problem. I think they are growing up very immature and I think statistics that show that so many are rubber banding back home after college and so on back that up. I don't think however that that has ANYTHING to do with discipline methods as kids and I think it has more to do with a lack of responsibility as teens and young adults.

But KIDS, I don't think kids today are any different than they were 150 years ago, or 1500 years ago.

[oregonmom]

Originally Posted by leyash Different things work on different kids, period. Discipline is part of parenting. Spanking is NOT the only discipline option. So saying not spanking = not parenting, is ignorant. By the way, I do spank. It's rare, but it happens. Sometimes it's the only thing that works, especially with my almost 6 year old.

This. Also I know of kids that spanking has the oposite effect on them. It just makes them behave worse.

[Kiliki]

I think we have an entire generation of super-friendly, over-the-top nicey-nice moms who don't want to use the word "NO" or be stern AT ALL b/c we might hurt poor little Johnny's feelings. And THAT'S what causes issues with kids.

Not spanking vs. not spanking.

I do spank. It works for us. But it's always a last resort.

When I see a kid who is LITERALLY having a total meltdown - like having to be dragged down the aisle at Wal Mart b/c he/she refuses to walk and is screaming at the top of his/her lungs and is also trying to hit/bite/kick the parent ... I do think "oh holy wow. I'd SPANK that kid's butt!" But what I'm really meaning is, "I would get that situation under control ASAP" and that is how I *personally* would do it, so those are the terms I think in.

mama. If something is working for you and your kids, that's awesome - USE IT! And don't feel bad! You don't need approval from ANYONE to do what feels right and is working for your family!

You get bashed for not spanking, I get flamed 'cause I do. There's no winning when it comes to parenting. Just gotta get the game face on and do what works, and to heck with all the nay-sayers!

[leyash]

I don't think it's spanking or not spanking that has kids these days acting the way that they do. I think it's a lack of discipline, period.

I can't tell you how many kids go to my kids' school that are so unruly, it's INSANE. Their parents will stand right there and WATCH them act out, and not even reprimand them. The kid gets away with it, and they push the line a little further the next time.

All I'm gonna say, is that when my kid is 20 years old, breaking into your car, stealing your stuff, you're going to WISH I would have spanked his little tail. That's all.

I think a lot of other parents need to have that mindset. We don't discipline because we ENJOY it, we discipline because it's our JOB as a parent.

Disclaimer: Again, not saying that spanking is the ONLY form of discipline. I just think parents need to discipline their kids more, when necessary, how they see fit. Not IGNORE their children and let them do what they want, for fear of hurting their feelings, or someone else's.