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Old 10-06-2012, 04:37 PM   #11
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

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Originally Posted by bluedaisyma View Post
it's possible. i don't lie to my kids ever or withhold info to give a false perspective. saying, "i'm not comfortable discussing that right now" is the truth
My kids would not take that as an answer. I have never tried, but I know they wouldn't. We skim over or nice up things that might get that kind of answer. Which I still think is kind of lying, its definitely not telling the whole truth and letting them come to their own conclusion.

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Old 10-06-2012, 04:41 PM   #12
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

Thanks! I'm going to quote you cause I really do think you can parent without lying so I kinda want to talk about it

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Honestly, you can not be 100% honest in this soceity, it is a culturally excepted norm too ingrained to not continue.

Example;

How are you feeling today?

Honest answers you want to give: Not well, Bad or things are falling apart around me.

Your Answer: Fine, and you? What about "Not the greatest but I'm still alive right? How are you?" If it's done with a smile does it still come off as jerk-ish? I feel better about smiling when I'm being honest that my day kinda sucks than I do when I'm saying I'm ok but I'm not. Of what if you realize that there are people far worse off than you and you're world isn't coming to an end, so although you feel crappy, you know you are still "fine"

If your kid asked on one of those days, you know they are going to ask a 1000 questions, if you admit you are anything but fine, are you honestly going to answer truthfully, or are you going to wait, maybe talk your day over with SO and then see if your day gets better, before, blurting it all out to your 6 year old?
When I am seriously having a rough day I'm honest about it with my kids. I'll say that I'm not the happiest with DH and I'm kinda sad. Questions follow and I'll say that when you are married to someone and live with them, there are hard parts to that, and sometimes you feel bad and you have to work through it and make it better. I don't have a problem breaking that kind of stuff down into terms that the kids understand.

Death, My kids ask questions about death and I try to answer them
Sex, I'll answer their questions in simple terms, but if they keep asking I don't have a problem with them knowing about sex. I used to be uncomfortable about it, but after thinking about it... what would I tell them other than the truth? I mean, you can say it in simple terms. "mommies and daddies fit together like puzzle pieces" is something I just read on another thread. You don't have to use words like erection and orgasm
answering embarassing personal questions about your self, like what?
your child like what?
or that stranger in public, "shhh, you can ask me later. There are some things you don't talk about in public"
things that are beyond their age understanding, like what?
we lie sometimes for very good reasons, sometimes just because it is the excepted norm in some cases, sometimes cause it's easier and sometimes for the wrong reasons, but we all lie to everyone, if we didn't we would come off as pretty big jerks in this society. I have seen people try it, it sucks. I accept I will lie to my kid, but try to do it for good not evil

Now to watch Liar, Liar
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Old 10-06-2012, 04:45 PM   #13
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

I am very open with my kids and I will answer them as honestly as I can for the important stuff...death, birth, love, etc. But I can't say I've never lied to them. We do Santa, so I guess that's lying, although DS1 is just now old enough to start knowing what it is. I may do the tooth fairy, or maybe I'll do a variation where they know it's me.
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Old 10-06-2012, 04:50 PM   #14
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

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Can you give an example of what are we talking about here? Santa Claus, tooth fairy kind of stuff or neighbors dog gets run over and you say something like he found a new home.
Well both. The first you are giving information which isn't true, the second you are saying something that's true in a sense but it leaves the child thinking that the dog is alive somewhere else.

The reason I'm asking is because someone said on a thread earlier that you can NOT parent without lying and I just don't think that's true. So what I'm asking is can you parent in a way that, to your knowledge and ability to be aware of, does not convery false things to your kids? Is it possible to be honest with your kids all the time?

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it's possible. i don't lie to my kids ever or withhold info to give a false perspective. saying, "i'm not comfortable discussing that right now" is the truth
Right. Or you can flat out say "I'm just not going to talk about this right now." I honestly can't think of a topic that I don't feel like I can discuss with my kids... but when something comes up that I cant think of how to address it at the time I'll tell them that I don't want to talk about it now but I will later

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I got that, but you do withhold period to give a false perspective. If that wasn't the point than you wouldn't withhold.
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I don't know if I agree with that. You can give enough truthful information to satisfy the curiosity without telling them everything you know on the topic.
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Old 10-06-2012, 04:53 PM   #15
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

I am sure it is possible, but it is not something I strive for. We "do" the tooth fairy and Santa, and lots of people see that as lying. On the other hand, we are very open about topics such as where babies come from and how our son was conceived. To me it's about balance, and about what works for us.
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Old 10-06-2012, 04:54 PM   #16
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

On death for example how far do you take the honesty? Example if say a child in the neighborhood is killed, in the most horiffic manner with sexual abuse involved, when one of your kids ask about words and meanings involved, how far do you answer truthfully? If they knew the kilerl was a neighbor you had a passing aqquintance with (no chance of contact with your kid though) would you tell the child this information if asked, even if you knew that particular child would have issues with the information?

I can only ask the questions right now as my kid is still young. I admit I have lied to him. My example he is still nursing, some weaning is going well only if I occassionally say they don't work right now. No other explaination, begging, cuddling, works quite the same way. I don't do it all the time, but sometimes he is just testing me, and falls right to sleep.


As he gets older I plan on trying to be honest, but suspect sometimes things will come up. Btw my Mother never lied to me about Santa, but did play Santa in our home.

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Old 10-06-2012, 04:55 PM   #17
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Depends on the child and the situation. Of you live an average life maybe. But in my house, I lie about my DH all the time. I have a very high anxiety child and I would never be truthful about his dads job/safety until he was old enough to understand the biggest picture possible. So maybe some people could be 'lie' free. But I
Lie to protect my son. Now, my other son, he is a different kid. I could word things differently and not 'lie' but maybe coat things nicely. But my oldest??? He NEEDS the cloak. IMO.
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Old 10-06-2012, 04:56 PM   #18
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

I don't lie to my kid. At this point, it's basically keeping myself from saying 'the cookies are all gone!' instead of the truth, which is 'no more for today!'. So, I try to make sure I'm truthful there.

It's impossible to say how well I'll do with bigger subjects, etc since I'm not there yet, but I like to think it's possible and that we will do it.

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I don't know if I agree with that. You can give enough truthful information to satisfy the curiosity without telling them everything you know on the topic.
and I agree with this. My 3-5yo will not need to know about sex. But if they ask where babies come from, I will be truthful to the degree of which they need to know for their age. It'd be lying to say the stork or something like that, but it's not necessary to explain the ins and outs of the ol' in'n'out.

If a child died of a horrific experience as a PP asked, it would be enough to explain to my child that the child died, but I don't know that they would need to know that they were sexually abused before they died. Depends on the age. Depends on the kid.
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Old 10-06-2012, 05:04 PM   #19
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

Possible? Absolutely. Lying as defined by the OP is a choice, therefore it's something a parent has control over. All you have to do is choose not to lie when the situation presents itself.

BUT, I don't necessarily think that's a healthy way to raise a child. I believe it's important to raise a child to experience common aspects of life, good and bad, and lying is, unfortunately, part of life.
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Old 10-06-2012, 05:06 PM   #20
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

I can't quote well on this thing but want to ask Emily, what about if your kid walks in on you during sex? Or asks a sex question before your ready? Also what if in the death question, they over hear specific terms and ask you their meaning like horrible things like molested, dismembered or the like? What if your not old enough to know doesn't work?. Or are sensitive like PP example?

I also know age and personality really make a hge difference in some of these questions too, more then anything.
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