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Old 10-06-2012, 09:51 PM   #1
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My 18 year old cousin met a pastor while she was visiting her brother this summer. She struck up an online friendship with the pastor's son (from a few states away). A couple of days ago, she told me she's coming up here (he's stationed at a base about 20 miles from my house) to meet him in a couple of weeks. He's paying to fly her up, because he's deploying next month and want to meet her before he leaves. He lives in a house with four other young, enlisted guys. She planning to stay at his house with him and his roommates.

Everything about this is sending up warning flags to me. I know, chances are, he's totally just fine, but it just makes me nervous. Growing up in a military area, I distinctly remember the skeezy military guys chasing younger girls. She's never met him in person and planning to spend 5 days in his house. She won't have a car here if she feels the need to leave,etc. They've only "known" each other about 2 months.

I'd really like her to consider staying at my house at least the first night, until she can meet him in person. I even offered to drive her to his house the day after she arrives. I've already stated my piece. I should just shut up, but I'm really hoping she reconsiders. What would you say to her? Anything?

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Old 10-06-2012, 09:56 PM   #2
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Re: How to talk to my cousin

I think you are right to be concerned. I would just say, "how about you stay at my house for the first night just to make sure everything is okay with him?" If she refuses I'd remind her that if something goes wrong to please call me and I'd help her out.
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Old 10-06-2012, 09:57 PM   #3
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Re: How to talk to my cousin

That sounds like a very bad idea, please talk to her. Pm me if you want.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:04 PM   #4
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Re: How to talk to my cousin

My SO is a veteran and he just started saying "no, no, very bad idea" as soon as I read the first paragraph. He didn't say he thinks it a really super unsafe situation (although at worst it could be) but that this guy definitely is only interested in having sex with her. He is going away for a year and there is absolutely no sex on a deployment. My SO seriously doubts this guy has any other intentions.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:10 PM   #5
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At first, I just said I'd love to pick her up at the airport (closer to my house than his anyway) and have her stay here the first night, then I'd bring her to him the next day. She said he was excited to see her and wanted to pick her up. I think she's a little twitterpated and isn't seeing the risk. She seems to assume that because he's a pastor's son, he must be a good guy. I told her a couple of times that I'm no more than a phone call away, day or night. And that wherever she stays, I'm excited to see her. I don't want to scare her off or make her feel like I'll say "I told you so" if he turns out to be not what she expected.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:20 PM   #6
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Re: How to talk to my cousin

Can you perhaps arrange to take up some of her time? Like you need her to babysit the first night because you completely forgot that had to do ABC and you can't get out of it now, but you just cannot find a babysitter. And then maybe you plan a dinner with her for the next night because you are just so excited to have her out to visit and you found this great place to try. You get the idea. Just giving her other stuff to do, and if she's spending time with you guys she's not spending as much time with him.

Another option, could you and your DH perhaps arrange to meet him first? I am not sure how you could arrange that without looking like some overprotective freak...but maybe that's not a bad thing. Lets him know that there IS someone watching out for her.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:20 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by waterisntsomething
My SO is a veteran and he just started saying "no, no, very bad idea" as soon as I read the first paragraph. He didn't say he thinks it a really super unsafe situation (although at worst it could be) but that this guy definitely is only interested in having sex with her. He is going away for a year and there is absolutely no sex on a deployment. My SO seriously doubts this guy has any other intentions.
I know, realistically, she'll probably be fine physically, I'm more worried about her emotional well being. If she's coming up here thinking she's meeting a sweet, pastor's kid and all he's interested in is sex (which is my assumption), she might be really hurt. On the other hand, she's 18. It's her choice. If she's expecting a weekend of partying and sex, she'll probably have a great time.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:23 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by happysmileylady
Can you perhaps arrange to take up some of her time? Like you need her to babysit the first night because you completely forgot that had to do ABC and you can't get out of it now, but you just cannot find a babysitter. And then maybe you plan a dinner with her for the next night because you are just so excited to have her out to visit and you found this great place to try. You get the idea. Just giving her other stuff to do, and if she's spending time with you guys she's not spending as much time with him.

Another option, could you and your DH perhaps arrange to meet him first? I am not sure how you could arrange that without looking like some overprotective freak...but maybe that's not a bad thing. Lets him know that there IS someone watching out for her.
Her flight doesn't come in the first night until about 6:30, so the earliest she'd even get to my house would be 8ish. A bit to late to expect her to babysit after traveling. I have already talked her into dinner the next night and she's bringing the friend. He is aware she's got family here.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:29 PM   #9
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Re: How to talk to my cousin

Quote:
Originally Posted by evasimone View Post
I think you are right to be concerned. I would just say, "how about you stay at my house for the first night just to make sure everything is okay with him?" If she refuses I'd remind her that if something goes wrong to please call me and I'd help her out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama*Kim View Post
At first, I just said I'd love to pick her up at the airport (closer to my house than his anyway) and have her stay here the first night, then I'd bring her to him the next day. She said he was excited to see her and wanted to pick her up. I think she's a little twitterpated and isn't seeing the risk. She seems to assume that because he's a pastor's son, he must be a good guy. I told her a couple of times that I'm no more than a phone call away, day or night. And that wherever she stays, I'm excited to see her. I don't want to scare her off or make her feel like I'll say "I told you so" if he turns out to be not what she expected.
Yeah in retrospect I am lucky my SO turned out to be a good guy. I went to hang out with him and his roomates one tiem when we had first started dating and it could have gone badly. My SO preety much said that if she's know its jsut goign to be sex and she wants that fine, she's and adult but she should know that this guy doesn't want to hang out and hold hands and talk about their future. He also said that unfortunately some sort of group free for all isn't out of the question (I think thats the scary worst case scenario in the back of our minds). I really hope you can convince her to at least stay the first night with you. If not. I would be tempted to call him up myself (or get DH to do it) and let him know I'm around and keeping an eye on her.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:34 PM   #10
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Re: How to talk to my cousin

hmm, not sure why it quoted the first one. I'm glad you're meeting him and he knows you're around.
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