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Old 10-07-2012, 01:00 PM   #61
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

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Originally Posted by Geckmumto3 View Post
I don't think it is possible, TBH, but I think that has more to do with my perception of truth and lie. I believe any time you edit or omit information you are lying, so, I do lie to my children. Regardless of Santa, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc... I omit information all the time.

My DS recently came home and asked DH if he had ever done drugs. A police officer had come into the classroom and spoken about drugs and bad effects of drugs on your body. Well, my DH had dabbled a bit in his past. We agree that one day he can tell the kids, when it is an appropriate life lesson. Not at 6 years old, however, so DH was vague and redirected him into more chatting about how dangerous drugs can be. Definitely lying.

My mother was an alcoholic at the end of her life. She drank herself to death when my DD was 3. DD loved her, and was, of course, completely unaware that Nana had a drinking problem because that is beyond the realm of her understanding. She asked me outright why Nana died. I told her Nana died because she didn't take care of her body. As she has grown, I have fed her more information, at my discretion, and as I see fit for her to understand. I want her to have a clear picture of the truth about alcoholism, because it is rampant in my family. But, she was not yet equipped to know and understand everything, so I lied.

Recently a young girl was snatched while walking home from school. A lady and her boyfriend hurt her terribly and killed her in horrific circumstances. The missing child case, the discovery and the trial were all over the news for a long time. Again, I protected my children from it, and I gave answers as I saw fit. One day, DD and I were alone in the car and the news report gave an update on a filed appeal regarding the case. She asked me about it, and I recapped what we had spoken about already. She asked me more. I answered her, within certain parameters. She asked me, "HOW did they hurt the little girl, Mummy? What did they do to her?" We talked about bad touch, again, etc... and I talked about how they hurt her so much that she died. "But HOW? What exactly did they do to her?" No, I am sorry, I am not telling my then 8 yo that someone could hurt a little girl like that so I lied. I said I was not sure exactly what they did to her. Not just omission, outright lie, because she does not need to KNOW the intimate details.

I firmly believe in answering kids' questions to the best of my ability and at an appropriate level for their personal development. But, when you have tenacious and curious kids, sometimes things need to be hedged a bit.
you could have said to your DD (about the molestation/death) that it was too sad to talk about or whatever that you didn't feel comfortable talking about it, she was too young...any number of things. (not being mean, just saying that there are ways of not telling kids things that are too scary, etc without lying.)

my kids (teens) have never asked me if I have tried drugs. If they do, I will tell them. If they were younger, I might say I wasn't ready to discuss that with them.

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Old 10-07-2012, 01:48 PM   #62
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I don't think it is possible.

Alisha I know how to spell my Samsung Galaxy S2 does not.
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:16 PM   #63
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

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I don't think it is possible.

Alisha I know how to spell my Samsung Galaxy S2 does not.
I have to say, I love this honest, simple answer!
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:22 PM   #64
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I do believe its possible. Not way, but possible. I try very hard to not lie to my kids. I don't tell them all details of everything, but thats not lying. Its telling them the info that pertains to them and what they need to know.

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Old 10-07-2012, 03:00 PM   #65
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We go for developmentally appropriate. No really trying to with hold information, but just presenting what dd is able to understand and deal with.
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Old 10-07-2012, 03:12 PM   #66
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

We try not to lie or withhold information. I'm sure we have at some point, and probably will in the future. I don't know that it's possible to be 100% truthful all the time, but we try to do the best we can.
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Old 10-07-2012, 03:48 PM   #67
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

I believe it is 100% possible. It requires that you know the truth and have the aptitude to explain the truth. My father told me about his drug use as soon as I asked, having met McGruff in first grade this was very early. He also didn't lie and told me the "positives" of drugs, the enjoyment and experiences, without graphic detail. He also took me to AA meetings with him and allowed me to see people who were negatively affected by drugs, (I grew up in Philadelphia so seeing bums as a result of substance abuse is not uncommon). I have known from a very young age the evils of the world, this has allowed me to protect myself. I also learned the positives, this has allowed me to love the world and to have hope.

When it came to war it was different. My father was always very tight lipped about Vietnam. My mother having not gone could not speak about war. I feel that his withholding the truth is what led to my own curiosity. If he had spoke about the heartache and atrocities I might have chosen not to go experience them for myself.

You're asking if it is okay to lie to your children. Many people like to muddle the subject between presenting the truth of the world and falsehoods related to fantasies such as Santa and the Easter Bunny. I find it perfectly acceptable to lie to my significant other about what we are doing this weekend and then surprise her with a weekend excursion. I do not find it acceptable or right to lie about knowledge that will allow my children to be stronger people.

I have also found on similar threads that people feel that it is okay to lie to children about various parenting choices. An example is certain foods. Many a child has been convinced to eat his vegetables because it will allow him/her to grow up and be big and strong, this is a truth. The only time you have to lie is when you don't have enough information to convince someone who has not been to school of something that you have no basis other than what someone else has said. If you had done research and "knew" versus "were told" this would not be a problem. I find most lies stem from lack of knowledge not having too much knowledge.
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Old 10-07-2012, 04:04 PM   #68
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I have not yet lied to my 3 year old. But I've also yet to reach many of those sticky situations.
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Old 10-07-2012, 07:08 PM   #69
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

We work very hard not to lie to our child. When she asks difficult questions (which she does, often, being a highly gifted and precocious six-year-old) we answer in an age-appropriate but honest way. We answer questions about death, sex, religion, whatever. She gets a dollar when she loses a tooth, but she knows that the "tooth fairy" is mom and dad and that Santa, the Easter bunny, etc. are made up (as we're not Christian, this has never been an issue).
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Old 10-07-2012, 07:21 PM   #70
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

We lie to our children and I'm not ashamed of it. There are just certain things that children do not need to know. I don't look at it so much as lying per say . I see it more as protecting them. Ex: DS colored a picture and he asked me "Mommy is this the most beautiful picture you have ever seen?" I said "Yes, baby! If I had told the truth I would of had a crushed little boy.
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