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Old 10-07-2012, 11:14 AM   #51
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Re: S/O Mamas that circed, do you feel judged?

There are those who absolutely judge. It's the ones who like to give themselves butt pats for doing better than everyone else. And if it wasn't not circing, it would be something else that they do better than you. I used to get so irritated by these threads; the judging, the harsh words, the "using any argument and when that doesn't work just start attacking someone's grammar" posts. But I think that's the minority of intactivist.

Most are well meaning. When they come off as attacking and judging, I think it's a case of good intention and bad execution. It's something they are passionate about. And passion is something that is hard to control and manifests itself any way it wants to. I think there is a lot of frustration on both sides too, which also manifests itself in ugly ways.

I have been noticing that most circ threads are getting more civil, which is awesome. The less snippy, smart butt answers and comments there are, the better it is for everyone and the more informative it is. Sometimes it's hard to take people seriously when them seem overzealous and not very levelheaded. For example, when some posters just deny that there are ANY medical benefits, instead of saying, yes there are some, but they are minuscule compared to the risks and the loss of function. I would much rather listen to the person with the seond answer rather than the first. Anyway, I am glad more people are actually addressing other arguments and opposing evidence rather than simply denying everything and anything that goes against what they believe. It makes for a more honest, accurate, and comprehensive conversation.

I'm off on a tangent, but that it what I was thinking.

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Old 10-07-2012, 02:08 PM   #52
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Re: S/O Mamas that circed, do you feel judged?

My boys genitals are not anyone else's business. I find it funny people get so passionate over a little piece of skin. If you are passionately for keeping it on your son, keep it. If you believe it is more beneficial to have it removed, get it removed.

My sons are all circed, but it was done before I ever saw the intactivist movement. As a medical professional, I have my own opinions. I actually work with a guy who had penile cancer and is starting an organization to educate people on the hazards of *not* circing.

Anyhow, I don't care what others do. They have to live with their decision, and their child has to live with it. Just as every other parenting decision we make.

I try not to judge others, but I also understand it a bit when you are *that* passionate about something. I am passionate about vaccinations and truly feel a sense of grief when people don't pay attention to the way I see things. I think it is human nature.

I have been called names on other parenting boards because my boys are circed...but, not here. I usually wouldn't open a thread on it. My future boys will come from foster care, so it will be up to their birth-parents whether they are intact or not.
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:29 PM   #53
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Re: S/O Mamas that circed, do you feel judged?

Nope. I have had lots of super rude & ****ty comments IRL for leaving my second & third sons intact, though.
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Old 10-07-2012, 05:15 PM   #54
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Re: S/O Mamas that circed, do you feel judged?

No. In all my years of pregnancy and parenthood, the subject of foreskin has come up exactly once. DH and I declined to offer an opinion. Not a big deal.
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Old 10-07-2012, 06:23 PM   #55
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Re: S/O Mamas that circed, do you feel judged?

Our 2 DSs are circ'd and if I were to have another DS he would be circ'd too. I don't feel judged and I do not judge anyone if their DS is intact.
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Old 10-07-2012, 07:12 PM   #56
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I only feel judged on parenting forums such as this. IRL 90% of the boys I know are circ'd so it's not an issue, it would be more of an issue if I didn't, but when I read anti-circ things on here I do.
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Old 10-07-2012, 08:54 PM   #57
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Re: S/O Mamas that circed, do you feel judged?

when I was pregnant with my daughter 15 plus years ago, and didn't know what I was having until the very end of the pregnancy, I was asked if I was planning on circing if we had a boy, and I said yes, cause it was how I grew up, what I knew, and thought it would be more hygienic.

I felt very judged, we live in a very crunchy area, and the OB's nurse said not very nice things to me, the first one being "well you shouldn't, cause insurance won't pay for it, and Dr. N. WON'T do it, she doesn't believe in it, you'll have to find someone yourself". I was relieved when we had a girl, and I didn't have to worry about it.

When I finally DID have a boy, my mind had changed to the "his body, his choice" mindset, and I now believe altering someone's genitals, for very limited, if any, medical benefit without his permission is unethical. If he thinks it would be medically beneficial, he can have it done himself. I changed my mind over a period of years, there was no one comment or one event. The way I was treated and judged actually set me back, and just made me more secretive about my thought process. I stopped asking medical professionals what they thought about it, no longer wanted their input.
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Old 10-08-2012, 08:32 AM   #58
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Re: S/O Mamas that circed, do you feel judged?

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Originally Posted by Sarai* View Post
when I was pregnant with my daughter 15 plus years ago, and didn't know what I was having until the very end of the pregnancy, I was asked if I was planning on circing if we had a boy, and I said yes, cause it was how I grew up, what I knew, and thought it would be more hygienic.

I felt very judged, we live in a very crunchy area, and the OB's nurse said not very nice things to me, the first one being "well you shouldn't, cause insurance won't pay for it, and Dr. N. WON'T do it, she doesn't believe in it, you'll have to find someone yourself". I was relieved when we had a girl, and I didn't have to worry about it.

When I finally DID have a boy, my mind had changed to the "his body, his choice" mindset, and I now believe altering someone's genitals, for very limited, if any, medical benefit without his permission is unethical. If he thinks it would be medically beneficial, he can have it done himself. I changed my mind over a period of years, there was no one comment or one event. The way I was treated and judged actually set me back, and just made me more secretive about my thought process. I stopped asking medical professionals what they thought about it, no longer wanted their input.
So you come into a thread asking if moms who circumcise feel judged to tell them that they are unethical for doing so, why?
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:24 AM   #59
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I think feeling judged and feeling guilty are two totally different things that are easily conflated in parenting. People are judging my parenting in a myriad of different ways all the time. It's not a matter of feeling judged, because I know I am being judged (whether it be about how my kid is behaving, what I'm feeding them, how I'm disciplining them, what car seat they are in, how I'm educating them, etc, etc etc). Circ'ing or not is no different, although I've never personally had anyone judge or comment on my child's genitals IRL, so I don't have experience with that one.

The difference is in feeling guilt because of others' judgments. I think that boils down to security or insecurity about parenting choices we make. I care very little when someone makes a comment about something like circumcision, or breastfeeding, or co-sleeping, or whatever...even an extremely malicious comment with an attempt to shame me or make me feel bad about my choices. I don't feel guilt even if I am being judged because I'm extremely secure in my choices. BUT, make a comment about an area where I'm insecure or not sure I'm doing the right thing, or know I could do better, or see my own weakness? Then I will feel guilt because of being judged. My best example is when DS2 throws a fit in public, because I've been really struggling with how to get him to control himself and his fits are EPIC. I feel sensitive to every negative comment I hear about his behavior or my parenting him through it.

Anyway, total tangent, but something about the question made me think about this concept.
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:45 AM   #60
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Re: S/O Mamas that circed, do you feel judged?

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Originally Posted by myblessedbaby View Post
On DS yes. IRL, no
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Originally Posted by HeatherlovesCDs View Post
Only here on DS. I choose to keep it to myself most of the time.
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Originally Posted by momtoGcubed View Post
Who wouldn't, with all the "You're a baby mutilator!" nonsense on this board.
yup.

I think I'm an AWESOME mom. I work hard to make good choices about food, entertainment, exercise, birth, etc. And when someone calls one of my parenting choices "unbelievable" or says I'm "abusing" my kids, or that I "mutilated" them... um, that's a pretty hard pill to swallow.

I used to get really upset and hurt and torn all apart about it. Then I took a break from DS and realized that so many things ppl get all riled up and frantic about here on DS are really NOT a big deal IRL. No one cares at Wal Mart what my kid's genitals look like.... or if I return the cart.... or if my baby girl's ears are pierced.... or if my kid is Bfed or not.... or if we cosleep..... I could go on. Now I just click the red X at the top and move on with REAL life, where I'm a GREAT mom to my WONDERFUL kids.
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